I just got flamed on GD for suggesting that polyamorous people face many...

[arbusto_baboso]

of the same discrimination and public perception issues as the GLBT community does/has done, and the people who flamed me stated that gays and lesbians would be offended at me stating that.

I love it when vanilla heteros presume to speak for gays and lesbians. 'Cuz I'm pretty sure most of you here would be sympathetic.

[DarkTirade]

1. As long as it's not the 'I gots me a harem!' kind of poly, I'm cool with it.

Not my style, but to each their own. :)

[arbusto_baboso]

2. Right. All adults, all consenting, what's the problem?

Everyone has a different range of sexuality. I just get tired of hearing that I'm a moral defective and emotional cripple because of mine.

[Chovexani]

24. Damn

Guess I shouldn't measure you for that loincloth then? :(

:evilgrin:

[DarkTirade]

25. ... at least not until I lose a l'il weight.

:P

[Chovexani]

26. How are you at standing up with a fan for hours at a time?

:D

[DarkTirade]

31. ... it's not an easy job...

... but somebody's gotta do it. :P

[givemebackmycountry]

3. Dude - your going to have to explain this to me...

WTF is a polyamorous person?

[Jackpine Radical]

5. Somebody with a plastic fetish.

:hide:

[tbyg52]

16. OK, I *did* need a laugh!

:spank:

[WheelWalker]

23. Genius

[arbusto_baboso]

6. Relationships with more than one person.

In an open, honest, above-board way. Sometimes polys form families of more than 2 partners and raise children together, comingle finances, etc. It's NOT like mormon fundies polygamists, because everyone involved is of legal age and WANTS to be there. And it is NOT cheating.

[QC]

21. Someone who really, really loves polyester. n/t

[TechBear_Seattle]

28. The Wikipedia is your friend

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, meaning many or several and Latin amor literally "love") is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly, and is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is sometimes used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies.

Polyamory can refer to the practice or status of a relationship at a given time, or used as a description of a lifestyle, philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender orientation), rather than of an individual's actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers many orientations and modes of relationship. There is fluidity in its definition to accommodate the different shades of meaning which might be covered. Polyamorous relationships are themselves varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals concerned.

Polyamory differs from polygamy, although the two terms are occasionally used incorrectly as if they are interchangeable. Polygamy more accurately refers to specific structures of recognized relationships, while polyamory is a personal outlook grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of free will, and the idea of compersion, and newer cultural traditions distinct from the religious and cultural traditions of polygamy.

Entry for Polyamory

[dbonds]

4. Well, it is not the same thing, but I understand there can be a prejudice

Gay is something you are born with, not a lifestyle choice. The scope of the problem is different. Polyamorous people can choose to settle with a single person and the social flack goes away. But I do agree the flack should not be there (as long as all your partners are cool with it).

[arbusto_baboso]

7. No, it isn't the same thing, nor is that what I was suggesting.

However, I think the urge of many humans toward multiple sexual and/or emotional relationships is just as inborn as homosexuality is. There's a lot of biology to back up my assumptions on that one, too.

[Howardx]

8. do many humans have that urge

or just many men?

[arbusto_baboso]

10. Social conditioning has convinced women they don't have the same urge.

But they do. Biological studies show it fairly conclusively Read a book called The Lifestyle by Terry Gould. Particularly the chapter "The Inside Story".

[Howardx]

13. is terry gould...

a practitioner or an unbiased neutral party? could you link to these biological studies?

[arbusto_baboso]

14. No, he's a journalist, and was citing other sources.

I don't have any links handy, but you could find them easily enough. If you like, I can get you some of the study names and authors on a PM message later this week.

[Howardx]

15. that would be cool

thanks.

[BanzaiBonnie]

20. Women too...

And if you are bisexual... Well, one can have their cake and eat it too.;) so to speak.


OK, that's as April foolish as I'm going to get.

[theHandpuppet]

9. Not the same thing. Sorry.

Unless you're contending that people are born polyamorous I don't buy the comparison.

That said, however consenting adults choose to partner is no one else's business but their own.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

11. the op isnt saying it is the same thing. just that the discriminations faced are similar

[arbusto_baboso]

12. Science would suggest it IS something people are born with.

Most people, in fact. The evidence seems to point toward people being predominantly socially and emotionally monogamous, and physically promiscuous. The studies are there if you are interested and dig for them.

Even so, does it matter either way? I remember years ago hearing one comment from a friend when I asked him if he thought he was born gay or chose it. He replied, "Does it matter to you? Shouldn't I be treated with dignity and respect no matter who I love or why?"

Indeed.

[Deep13]

30. Sometimes I wonder if we are ALL born polyamorous.

:shrug:

[DURHAM D]

17. are you the poster who keeps bring up the issue over and over again?

If so - I think you are just in need attention.

This ends my ability to provide same.

[Chovexani]

18. What kills me about that

Is the presumption such a statement assumes, that LGBT and poly don't ever intersect. I am Bi and poly and probably 95% of the polys I know identify as some kind of LGBT.

If I had to be totally honest, I would say in terms of just person-to-person prejudice I have faced way more from being poly than I ever have about being bisexual. A number of people in my life who were wonderful and supportive when I came out and was monogamous with women totally flipped the hell out on me when I entered into my first poly relationship (with a lesbian couple). Some of those were monogamous bis that gave me shit about being a stereotype or whatever.

Despite being generally more accepting than straights as a community, there are some LGBTs that are uncomfortable with nonmonogamy. A lot of people regardless of orientation simply can't wrap their heads around it. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that, either (monogamy baffles the shit out of me!), but when that crosses into people being judgmental or making sweeping pronouncements about people's lifestyles I have to put my foot down.

(And, FWIW, I think I'm just wired for polyamory. I have a track record of misery-inducing serial monogamy behind me that pretty much proves it.)

[Mike 03]

19. Wow, this hits close to home.

I went through a polyamorous phase and it wrecked my life. It's difficult even to write about to this day. But I think it would have been easier to be Gay than to have gone through the disaster I went through. (I don't really believe that, on second thought.) The truth is I know for many it is a nightmare to be discriminated against for being in the GLBT community. It's a matter of life or death. I've had GLBT friends killed.

Or maybe the reason I'm so empathetic is because I lost everything that meant anything to me during that phase of my life.

I'm not trying to say it is the same, just that there is a common flavor of total rejection, confusion, and facing an abyss so terrifying and uncertain that it does seem to pull your stomach out of your mouth and invert you into a state of abject horror.

There may be some common ground: I just finished reading the most incredible biography of John Cheever, a writer I felt I had nothing in common with, and ended reading it in tears. I understood every word he wrote.

Every emotion he felt.

[Beregond2]

22. In my experience, polyamorous people are mostly guys who want

an excuse to fuck everything in sight. It is plain that most people are capable of feeling love for many people at a time. But most are also capable of seeing that limiting one's intimate involvements makes life much easier, and greatly reduces the odds of hurting people.

I have no problem with people who are promiscuous by nature and are open about that before having sex with someone. Nor do I have an issue with people who have multiple partners and everyone in the group is fine with that. But I do object to people (and again, they are nearly always guys) who are just horny dogs incapable of commitment, and try to dress that up with the latest psychobabble term they have come across.

[TEmperorHasNoClothes]

27. whatever you call it, swinging or polyamourous relationships....

that kind of logic is what right wingnuts use as (il)logic to discriminate against LGBTs.
What consenting adults do in the bedroom is fine. To me sex is more than just a physical act, it's an emotional connection with a woman who I care deeply for or love. I'm not one for casual sex. Having an emotionally intimate relationship with more than one partner isn't healthy, because it takes away from a couple's relationship and prevents a closer connection between the two.

[Chovexani]

29. And I'm going to have to stop you right there.

Please stop using swinging and polyamorous interchangeably. There is a world of difference between the two. Swinging is about casual play with no strings attached, and is all about sex. Polyamory is about a lot more than "what consenting adults do in the bedroom". Some poly relationships never even involve sex. You're fixated on the first half of the word and completely ignoring the other half, like most monogamous folks who are baffled by polyamory.

You make an absolute statement about what is and is not healthy, based on your own experiences and preferences, and then extrapolate from there to make a sweeping judgment call on Every Relationship Everywhere--which is a pretty wingnut thing to do, IMO (I know you didn't mean to, though). Those of us who are poly don't operate under the starvation economy model of love (that love is a scarce, finite resource that can only be given to one person by taking it from another). We tend to believe in the Heinleinian principle that love doesn't divide, it multiplies. And that's certainly been the case for me. My love for and intimate connection with my girlfriend is in no way diminished by the fact that I can and do fall in love with other people also. I don't love her any less, or feel any less of a connection with her when I fall in love with someone else and form a connection with them. And it's the same way for her, when she falls in love with other people. In fact, we tend to squee about it with each other. (This sort of thing is called compersion, and it's pretty much the opposite of jealousy--I can't even explain it.)

The analogy that most of us like to use is a parent-child relationship. The parental bond is probably the strongest kind on the planet, yet most parents seem more than capable of forming it with more than one kid. So why's it so unhealthy for romantic bonds to work the same way? The only unhealthy thing is when people are lying, sneaking, misrepresenting themselves, being passive-aggressive and unclear about their needs and expectations in a relationship. All of which is actively encouraged by the society we live in and thought of as "normal". But if we choose to be open and honest, and communicate clearly, we're freaks and degenerate perverts.

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, my monogamous relationships were by far the most unhealthy collections of clusterfucks ever attempted by two people at any given time. Because living in monogamy is as absolutely heartbreaking and miserable to me as "sharing" your mate would be to you. I could not handle it, at all--and certainly not because I always managed to find the most possessive douchebags on the planet, irrespective of gender. The final straw for me was in my last mono relationship, when I was forced to choose between two men, both of whom I absolutely adored and would have done anything for. It nearly destroyed me, and I've never gotten over the one I had to give up. To me, love doesn't mean making your partner deny his/herself happiness because you have some kind of ownership model of relating to people romantically. I think it's fucked up. Personally, I could never do that to someone I claimed to love and be able to live with myself. (This is typically where the starvation economist, "but your SO should be 'enough' for you!" argument enters. And I shake my head.)

There are very few poly people who will tell you it is the way for everyone. If one says it, they are a wanker and you have permission to beat them in the face with their likely dog-eared copy of Stranger in a Strange Land. But for those of us who are poly, it is truly what makes us healthy and content.

[tekisui]

32. Consenting adults, no matter the combination,

is no body's business but those sharing the experience.