Florida Owns-Union, 4/1: Thrasher amends Florida SB 6

[teach1st]

Florida Owns-Union, 4/1: Thrasher amends Florida SB 6

http://www.floridaownsunion.com/not-real/april-1-duh/thrasher.ass

Tallahassee, 4/1 - The midnight oil burned brightly as an emergency Republican subcommittee finished amending SB 6, Florida's controversial teacher merit pay bill, late last night. The emergency revision was apparently called after Thrasher and fellow Senate Republicans received thousands of angry calls and e-mails from teachers, parents, and other Florida citizens concerned about the effects that SB 6 would have on education in the state.

Senator John Thrasher emerged from a Senate cloak room shortly after midnight, bleary-eyed, but smiling. "Gentlemen," he announced to the lone female reporter, "We have amended the Bill."

Thrasher explained that many of the calls and e-mails from teachers asked how instructors in subjects not traditionally included in standardized testing would be evaluated. "That's a valid question. And we responded with an answer."

The committee drew up criteria for performance pay for each of the Florida teacher subject areas, from AC Heat Mechanics to Zoology teacher. According to the amendment's introduction, the committee "based the evaluations on what we consider to be solid American standards and values," and not "the Socialist propaganda that those lazy teachers like to pretend is curriculum."

Some examples from the SB 6 amendment:
* Physical education teachers will be evaluated based on an end-of-the-year test measuring students' knowledge of "issues critical to American culture," such as being able to "name the starting quarterback for each current NFL team."
* Art teachers will evaluated on how well their students can explain in a written essay how National Endowment for the Arts grants should be illegal, given the organization's support for subversive art.
* Music teachers will show progress by the number of students listening to "real American music" instead of rap, hip-hop, and "other jungle music," as measured by music downloads and radio listening habits throughout the school year. The Bill designates classical, country, and "exemplary American pop, such as that performed by the Four Freshmen and the Chordettes" as real music.
* Teachers covering any of the social studies will have their efficacy measured by end-of-the-year tests authored by the Texas Textbook Committee.
* Teachers whose teaching responsibilities includes sex-education will be evaluated based on how many of their students remain chaste (including refraining from "sexting, petting, French kissing, and dancing") during the school year.

When asked if any educators had been consulted prior to amending the bill, Thrasher replied curtly: "Screw 'em."

[Catshrink]

1. Wow!

I had to reread some of that until I figured it out. Time for bed!

But, Arizona did a midnight teacher-stabbing bit of legislation last year.

[aSpeckofDust]

2. Heh, you got me. Just seemed like something our state would do. N/T

[Reader Rabbit]

3. You know what's sad?

Given the load of feces that's being piled on teachers these last few years, I actually believed this for a moment or two. And not just because it's o-dark-thirty.

[proud2BlibKansan]

4. And counselors' evaluations will be based on how many of the kids are smilimg

Welcome back! This is great.