Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

Opening for a Story

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
Home » Discuss » DU Groups » Reading & Writing » Writing Group Donate to DU
 
Brigid Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-27-09 08:25 PM
Original message
Opening for a Story
Hi! I'm Brigid and I'm new to the Writing Group (though not to DU). I've been working on the opening scene to a story, which I hope to perhaps turn into a novel or at least a short story.
Tell me what you think.

The worst of the storm had moved on east into Michigan and Indiana, but snow was still coming down heavily enough that the foot traffic on Michigan Avenue was a little lighter than usual. Those who had ventured out as dusk fell were all on a mission of some sort or other, with only a few shopping days left until Christmas. Most were too preoccupied even to notice the walking cliche stumbling down the sidewalk: A frail old man in a shabby trench coat with two missing buttons, oversized boots with the uppers almost separated from the soles, watery blue eyes, and stubbly jaw. A half-empty bottle of cheap wine in a paper sack completed the picture.

Those who did take notice would have been shocked if they had seen the faded black and white photograph in his pocket. It was of himself in his youth, all decked out in Marine Corps dress blues. Even more surprising would have been the shoe box full of medals and campaign ribbons he had stashed under the broken down cot in the dingy hallway in the abandoned building off Sheridan that he called home. Social Security did not exactly pay for a penthouse on Lake Shore Drive.


Refresh | 0 Recommendations Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
Tangerine LaBamba Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-27-09 09:42 PM
Response to Original message
1. I like it -
a lot.

I had trouble with the second sentence, something about the placement of the time of day, but that could just be me. I'd move the "dusk fell" reference into the first line, setting the whole stage from the start.

Having lived some wonderful years in Chicago, I, of course, got the whole picture of the Miracle Mile, but I think anyone would immediately get the picture.

Well done!
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
Brigid Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-28-09 04:12 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. Yes!
Excellent suggestion. Thank you. :)
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-19-09 06:25 PM
Response to Original message
3. Nice scene setting. You "get it" immediately. It really gives you a contemporary
picture of something we can quickly relate to. And it gets to the pathos right away and introduces you to a person with a soul-crushing life situation. I wanted to read more right away...
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Sun May 05th 2024, 10:17 PM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » DU Groups » Reading & Writing » Writing Group Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC