I Need Your Opinion On This Please (Be Gentle)

[AutumnMist]

Its a story I am writing. Most of its historical and I don't have much done. But can you give me some gentle suggestions on how you would expand the story? I am no good at writing, I know that. But this story has been in my head for years. And I would like to get it out and share it. Thank you so much.

"I'll Be Seeing You" (first draft)

He awoke to the familiar smell of bacon frying downstairs. He could picture his mother dusting the old green speckled Formica with flour and rubbing the well worn rolling pin with the fine white dust left over from her hands. Soon the roll and thump of biscuits being cut would vibrate up the stair banister and into his room. He was home again. The bright southern sun streamed through his window and onto the wooden floors as if it were any other day. It’s funny how coming home seems like time has stood still, yet time can whirl past you like dry fall leaves on a faded sidewalk.


A soft knock halted his sleepy daydream…..”Aidan, you awake?”. “Yes Mom, I’m awake” He answered. “Be down in a few minutes”. He crawled out from under the old quilts and greeted the crisp morning with some reserve. He knew he had come home to face his old demons. He knew he would have to face the one love that had never left him. Maybe the bacon and eggs would make seeing her face again easier somehow. He doubted it, but anything would be better than nothing right about now.


The old creak of the stairs followed him down as he slowly made his way to breakfast. He had experienced another restless night; between the injury from the war and his bitter sweet homecoming…he hadn’t gotten much sleep. At least not like he used to before he left. The kitchen was as it always had been. His mother was serving breakfast in her faded shift of a robe, her hair neatly combed and smelling of roses. The table set in dishes even more faded than her robe. But it was always clean and welcoming. Always. The familiar constant of it all soothed his restless spirit, even though his thoughts were racing a million miles a minute. But this beginning to a new life at home was only the end to what once was. The headline in the paper was different now. The tales of attack and the fear of war filled the day to day. The soldiers that wouldn’t be coming home rippled through small towns and the joy of loved ones who did make it home brought joy to the families that had sat in front of their radios and anxiously waited for letters from their beloved.


His life as it once was began on a cold October night in 1922. He was born at home, like his parents had been, in an old iron framed bed and the child of a farming family. Which wasn’t unusual in his small rural Ohio town. He was the youngest of three children and the only child to survive to adulthood of his older siblings. His mother Cleo had wept when she saw his wet little face for the first time. After so much heartbreak from the fever that had swept through their family, he was a miracle child to his parents. Like the crops that they had planted and harvested, Aidan was a new beginning for them.

[Bronco69]

1. Interesting start.

"He knew he would have to face the one love that had never left him." I think you should make him gay. :-)

[AutumnMist]

4. I Guess You Never

can tell...can you? :)

[Name removed]

2. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[AutumnMist]

3. English For A Second Language?

ESL? LOL. I didn't think it was that confusing. :)

[maggiecleveland]

5. hahaha...

yeah, I guess it was a lame joke...made ya' smile though!

[AutumnMist]

6. Hey Thats Alright

I know I am not very good at writing. If I suck, you can tell me I suck. LOL. I am learning. And we all learn from suggestion I suppose. :)But yes, the ESL threw me. And I had a good laugh.

[maggiecleveland]

8. Not that I know anything about writing....

I write as if I'm talking to someone...

"He doubted it, but anything would be better than nothing right about now."

The "right about now" just jumps out at me as extraneous...


I read through, and don't want to be critical....

Is there more?

[AutumnMist]

10. Thats What I Have Written So Far

I know its not much. I am still deciding on how I would like to lay it all out. Its a rough draft. And not much else. Thank you so much for the input however. :)

[Mojambo]

11. Even if you know how it ends you don't have to write it beginning to end.

Write the scenes that you are passionate about writing. You can always link them up later.

Have you written an outline? Some people find outlines very helpful.

[Mojambo]

7. You've got a nice touch

You don't suck and you should definitely keep at it.

Take care to proceed with your exposition slowly and not to dump too much background stuff on the reader at one time. Try to intersperse the information that the reader needs to know with action that moves the story forward. You're already doing a pretty good job with this.

It's tough to give you direction on how to expand the story. Intensified character development will help you start to plot out the story. It seems like this piece is going to be largely character driven, so I'd start out by making sure you have a great handle on the characters and their motivations.

Keep at it.

[AutumnMist]

9. Thank You

:)

[BigMcLargehuge]

12. not bad at all

I'd open with something much punchier than this though -

He awoke to the familiar smell of bacon frying downstairs. He could picture his mother dusting the old green speckled Formica with flour and rubbing the well worn rolling pin with the fine white dust left over from her hands. Soon the roll and thump of biscuits being cut would vibrate up the stair banister and into his room. He was home again. The bright southern sun streamed through his window and onto the wooden floors as if it were any other day. It’s funny how coming home seems like time has stood still, yet time can whirl past you like dry fall leaves on a faded sidewalk.

I understand the scene setting, but the three times I read through this my brain jumped ahead to something happening that was more interesting:

It’s funny how coming home seems like time has stood still, yet time can whirl past you like dry fall leaves on a faded sidewalk.

Also, the POV seems to change with the above sentence, this is obviously your voice and not that of the character.

Keep going!

[Hidden Stillness]

13. You Are Telling it Very Well

Well, I hesitate to critcize your work, because I don't want to mess up the train of thought you already had going on in your mind; kind of like somebody giving you "advice" on how to walk, and it only makes you so disconnected and self-conscious that you can't do anything naturally or comfortably anymore.

I like this story and think it was very well written. I really like the setting--1940s, just after the War, Midwest, before TV, etc. It can be a very engaging time and place, if you know a lot of details and tell them accurately; kind of like an updated "Our Town," that profound story. One general point to keep in mind, though, not to you personally but to all writers, is that you have to realize that you have to edit. A reverie that enthralls you to dwell on until it gets deeper and deeper and you feel you are there, does not usually translate that way, but actually becomes boring if you aren't sticking to a plot and moving the story along. This is not meant for you; I had to realize it, too. Great description is not necessarily fun to read. Sometimes you just want the author to get on with it.

My approach would be: What atmosphere am I trying to convey here? Call it up clearly in your mind so it is really present before you even begin to write. Where is the story going? You should roughly, not specifically, know, so that you were always coherently gearing things toward that end. It also helps you to keep on track, and not just lose yourself amongst endless description. You have several things going on during the course of this story, so it can go many different ways. Better that than too "thin" of an idea, but then it means you really have to keep track of what all you were telling here. I actually use notes and sometimes an outline to keep it all straight in my mind. It was like juggling; you have to pay attention to all. I hope I'm not insulting you with obvious advice like this, but maybe it was helpful, and also, I am not big on other people telling you your writing was "too much this" or "you should do that," glibly. You should always remember that almost any type of book can become a best-seller, and almost everything has an audience.

As for how you should develop the story and where it should go: You have to search the story itself, inside you, as if it were a place and you were making explicit what was already implicit there, and only you knew what was there, rather than ask others what it might be. Be careful not to accidentally get it all crushed by people sending you this way and that, undercutting your whole meaning, and not even realizing what they were doing.

[Zappa]

14. Advice from an un-published writer

No offense but my unsolicited advice is never ask anyone to critique your unfinished projects. In fact, my habit is complete a first draft, let it age for about two months, and then re-write. Maybe, just maybe, someone very close to me will read the second draft. Usually, I keep it to myself until the third or fourth draft. Only then is the story polished enough to see the light of day.

My three cents.

[Adelante]

15. I agree with this

It can be extremely dampening to the flow of the work to interrupt the process too early. At this stage it needs to be between you and you, and nobody else.

But I wanted to say that your work does not suck at all. You have a fine sense of immediacy to your voice. I did have the thought of switching the first two paragraphs for, as someone else said, more punch to the opening.

Best of luck.

[iamjoy]

16. The Last Paragraph Seems Out Of Place

Maybe what some one else said about too much exposition, try to work it into the story, not "dump" it all at once.

In the first three paragraphs you do a great job of establishing mood and setting.

[ElsewheresDaughter]

17. nice! it rolled gently on my brain like a well worn & dusted rolling pin

yummy.... bacon and scratch biscuts with syrup for breakfast!

[OldLeftieLawyer]

18. Never ask for gentle

Ask for honesty. It'll get you more of what you want.

My agent always goes off on my mss., and then I explain to her why she's wrong, but there have been times when she's been right on target.

As for my editor, we've disagreed, too, but we compromise very well, so that's how honesty works.

Writing is not for the easily-discouraged.

Best of luck to you.