DALLAS—Speaking to reporters she had invited into her impenetrable subterranean Texas lair on Monday, Jessica Simpson gloated over the victory she recently achieved after nearly two years of using her personal charms, her unique brand of cunning, and every resource at her disposal to meticulously plot the downfall of the Cowboys' 2007 season.
"Ever since I was a little girl growing up in football-obsessed Texas, it's been a dream of mine to completely bring the evil, arrogant Cowboys organization and its boorish and cocky fans to their knees. But the suave and sophisticated players on that team are nigh-unapproachable for a nice country girl like me," Simpson declared from her Throne of Thorns, situated in the surveillance room of her headquarters. "And then I saw Tony. Instantly I knew that he was the weak link, the keystone, the only one for me to exploit."
According to Simpson, her meticulously crafted plan hinged on capturing Romo's interest, artificially inflating his confidence, and allowing the Cowboys to gain success early in the season in order to create an atmosphere of swaggering arrogance among the team. Then, Simpson moved to Phase Beta, playfully distracting them with her ubiquitous, flirtatious presence games by waving, cheering, and attracting media attention. In addition, Simpson spent months analyzing quarterback efficiency, completion rates, and blocking stats, as well as dissecting the tendencies of defenses on second and third downs, and bending over to convince Romo to try out one of her audible calls.
"He's such a kind and honest man," Simpson added. "Such Midwestern earnestness, such gullibility. You couldn't ask for someone dopier to manipulate in order to overthrow this so-called 'America's team.'"
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