Interview with Satan: God Spoke to Pat Robertson?

[mickeymystro]

Reporting Exclusively from the Gates of Hell - Mickey Mystro…


Mystro: Good morning, Satan.

Satan: Good morning, Mickey. What shall we talk about today?

Mystro: I would like to ask you about Pat Robertson. According to the Associated Press, Pat Robertson recently said, "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms…There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Satan: This sounds like something out of a “Seinfeld” episode! Is God a “low talker” or something? Pat Robertson does not know if he “heard the Lord right”? Maybe Pat should have said, “You know God, I hate to bring this up, but could you speak up a bit? Perhaps you should use your damn diaphragm!

Mystro: Well, as you know, most Christians claim that God speaks with a “still small” voice.

Satan: Yeah, I know – God is the strong, silent type. Yeah right. Don’t you think that if God really had something to say that it would shake the mountain tops, topple buildings, or ruffle Robert Tilton’s hair?

Mystro: Makes sense…

Satan: Pat should have said, “You know, God, I am about to say something really stupid on television and I would like to get a direct quote from you first. Could you put this in an email perhaps? Send it to [e-mail].

Mystro: Is it, at least, slightly possible that God spoke to Pat Robertson?

Satan: God did not talk to Pat Robertson. I know this for a fact. Now, it is true that God and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms, but trust me - God is too busy watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island to worry about conversing with Pat Robertson.

Mystro: Gilligan’s Island?

Satan: Yeah, despite what you may have read, it is Bob Denver who is sitting at the right hand of the father!

Mystro: If God did not really talk to Pat Robertson, then how do you explain the fact that people are so willing to believe it?

Satan: People believe anything. People believe everything. And for most people, the less evidence there is for a wild claim – THE BETTER!

Mystro: What about Pat’s claim that “the coasts of America will be lashed by storms”?

Satan: Now THAT’S a brilliant prediction! What do you think the odds are that storms will lash the coasts of America? Well, let me get out my calculator. <click> <click> <tap> <click> – about 100%!

Mystro: So you are saying that God did not actually talk to Pat Robertson and his predictions about the future are too vague to have any real meaning?

Satan: I am saying that Pat Robertson is an idiot. Oh, I am sorry – did you not hear that? Let me use my diaphram - PAT ROBERTSON IS AN IDIOT! Wait, would you like that in email form? Or maybe I can leave you a voicemail. Or perhaps a fax…

Reporting exclusively from the Gates of Hell: Mystro Mystro
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12851397/

/satire

[Turn CO Blue]

1. Funny! Pat Robertson is a TOOL!

Maybe he's a TOOL of the Devil...ba dum dum.

There used to be this site called IHatePatRobertson.com but the owner doesn't host it anymore. That site had a great list of hateful and idiotic quotes from Robertson and Falwell.

How anyone can let that man have influence over their lives and send him money is beyond my comprehension. He gets on there and pretends that God is whispering in his ear, "The Lord is telling me that someone in lonely in Ohio. The Lord is telling a young lady is being healed of cancer at this moment. God is convicting one of you right now to sow a $1000 seed of faith and He's going to repay it to you 100 times over." Yeah, really prophetic stuff there. Not.

Most people who say they talk to God wind up being hauled away in a little white jacket. And this TOOL gets rich and buys diamond mines off this crap and his dominionist "end-of-times" books!!! It's outrageous.

Of course, our Little Lord Pissypants says that God talks to him as well -- so there you go.

--------
carry-on

[Turn CO Blue]

2. Who Does God Talk to?

Yeah, it is funny how God only seems to talk to the rich and powerful: Pat Robertson, Benny Hinn, Robert Tilton, George Bush, etc. Why doesn't he talk to poor people, like "I've got a great job for you, good money and lots of bennies. $50K and expenses paid. Here is the phone number..."? Or why doesn't he speak to any of the 150,000 young children who are sold into sexual slavery each month and say, "I've got this plan. I will have you rescued at 8:00 pm sharp tonight. Make sure you have clean clothes and wait for a guy named 'Bob' to break the door down and free you!"

God isn't talking to these people. These are the people who NEED a word from God.

Oh, and by the way, while these preachers claim that people are being healed over the phone of various diseases, notice how amputated limbs are never "miraculously" replaced and restored to 100$ original condition. This is impossible and has never happened although Pat Robertson claimed in his book, "Bring It On" that it happened. Of course, he provided no evidence.

[mickeymystro]

3. Hearing Voices...

Good point.

I am sure that Pat Robertson is hearing voices - very strange voices. But not God's voice.

[Proud_Democratt]

4. Fictional role-playing??? Are you an Atheist? .......If so, don't tell

anyone!

[mickeymystro]

5. Athiest?

The appropriate term is "skeptic". When it comes to the existence of God, the burden of proof is on believers to present the evidence of this and this evidence has never survived scrutiny. I am also skeptical of Big Foot, extraterrestrials, crop circles, cattle mutilations, psychics, Nostradamus, faith healing, angel therapy, creationism, angels, ESP, ghosts, aromatherapy, homeopathic medicine, iridology, Loch Ness Monster, astrology, Atlantis, miracles, alien abductions, numerology, prophecy, psychokinesis, flat earth, channeling, karma, etc, etc, etc, etc.

In the end, these beliefs all rely on blind faith because the actual evidence is non-existent. But I am a former born-again Christian myself and my mom and dad recently became born-again Christians. So I am accepting of other people's beliefs. My purpose here is just to have fun and provoke a little thought. Is that wrong?