Peter "Sleazy" Christopherson died on my birthday

[toddaa]

I didn't find out about it until a few days later. I've been ruminating over it ever since, and it's beginning to consume way too much of my idle thought. I have GAD and ADHD, which can be nasty combo once a negative thought pops into my head. Sleazy's death isn't particularly negative, apart from general sadness over the loss of one of my favorite artists, but the fact that it's become so prominent and distracting makes me think I should do something about it.

I don't know why Sleazy's death has had such an impact on me now. I haven't listened to Throbbing Gristle, Psychic TV, or Coil for years. Why him? Of course, my interest in the occult began with my interest in his music. It lead me to seek out the works of Robert Anton Wilson, WS Burroughs, and Austin Osman Spare. As an atheist, I don't hold much credence to esoteric practices, but I cannot deny that anything that is deemed dangerous by Christianity has an appeal to me, given my renouncement of my former faith. Much of the draw of artists like Sleazy is that they are specifically anti-Christian. Again, I cannot deny that and even go so far as to take pride in my heretical aesthetic preferences. I don't have many talents, but I am quite good at blasphemy against the slave religion of my youth.

I really don't know why my thoughts keep turning to Sleazy's death. I usually worry over far more gruesome things. I dug through a stack of CDs in the basement, found PTV's Dreams Less Sweet, and listened to it. It brought back memories, but I doubt I'll listen to it again. Nostalgia can be a nasty trigger for GAD. Unfortunately, I can't stop the ruminating thoughts, once they are unleashed. In the occult practice of Chaos Magick, the drawing of sigils plays a significant role. The basic ritual is to draw a sigil and charge it with your will. The sigil is then imbued with power, usually through sex magick, and then sacrificed by burning. The intended result is the manifestation of the will. Mumbo jumbo to this atheist, but from a purely psychological standpoint, it's a way of rewiring the subconscious without the aid of drugs (although that helps). Cheap therapy for the fucked up.

I really don't know where this is going to go. I just know that my insomnia has returned since his death and I need a resolution before it gets worse.

And so, for 2011 I swear an oath to rewire my brain to stop thinking about Sleazy.

[ZombieHorde]

1. You should see if any O.T.O. groups operate in your area.

I helped to build the lodge in Portland. The O.T.O. has many people who think like you do. Same tastes, experiences, etc. Of course there is also lots of woo types to argue with. ;)

I love Sleazy. He was a bad ass mother fucker. Check your private messages.