Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

[Pale Blue Dot]

HOUSTON—According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven. "After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water," the report read in part. "Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren't prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds." The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new Bowflex machine.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/report_32_of_prayers

[Liberal Veteran]

1. A little warning next time...I almost choked to death laughing.

[flor de jasmim]

12. Me too, still laughing!

[Bozita]

2. I think I just found the real cause of global warming.

Friction from deflected prayers re-entering the atmosphere.

[Solly Mack]

3. LMAO

snicker

[Beregond2]

4. Prayer

Moronic.

[JerseygirlCT]

5. LOL! That's great! nt

[Silent3]

6. You could probably make a profitable scam...

...out of promising to launch people's prayers into space, or claiming you'll get shuttle astronauts read them.

What better way to deliver your prayer that the former Nigerian oil minister comes through with your money quickly. :)

[varkam]

7. That's beautiful

:rofl:

[Evoman]

8. Another Onion Story: Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining offers From Several Religions.

FINDLAY, OH—Local resident Owen Pritchard's recent downward spiral into drug addiction, unemployment, and complete and utter hopelessness has sparked the intense interest of several top world religions, each of which is vying for his services as a devotee, the 39-year-old uncommitted prospective convert reported Monday.

"I've finally reached a point in my life where all the big religions want me," said Pritchard, whose two failed marriages and mounting gambling debts have left him penniless and in a state of blind despair. "Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism—you name it, they've come to me. I have no job, no family, no direction whatsoever. So right now, I'm totally in the driver's seat."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/rock_bottom_loser_entertaining

[PetraPooh]

9. Great! Love it! Gotta go pee fast, laughing and incontinence and all. ROFLMAO

[DeSwiss]

10. If ever a thread deserved going to the Greatest, this is it!!!

So now obviously the Pentagon, who has just shown everyone their new found capabilities in this area, need to shoot down some more satellites. I mean how can Amargeddon get underway if the prayers "asking for it" can't get through....

- K&R!!!! - #5

[Ramonna Villota]

11. this is what happened

During the Angelic War, Lucifer allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

[crimsonblue]

13. Obviously, this doesn't apply to our boy king...

he has a straight line to the big guy... or at least he thinks so... Dick switched it early on and Georgie is really talking to the devil...