(Satire)
Ponytail Decisive FactorIn a move that surprised everyone except those in his innermost-circle, President Obama today announced his appointment of liberal New York attorney, Air America host, and card-carrying ACLU member Ron Kuby to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat being vacated by the suddenly conservative-looking David Souter.
Kuby, a protégé of the late William Kunstler, is best known not only for his radio show which boasts the client-inspiring title “Doing Time”, but for his client list, which according to the Air America website includes, among others: World Trade Center Bombers; Long Island Railroad gunman Colin Ferguson; the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club; … airplane hijackers; The All-Mighty Latin King and Queen Nation; plaintiffs in two United States Supreme Court cases establishing First Amendment protection for flag-burning; and Satan, best known for his ‘bad guy’ role in the book “The New Testament”.
“While Ron is not the ‘bomb thrower’ some were afraid I might choose, he nonetheless appreciates the principles of our Constitution enough to uphold the standard that even bomb throwers are entitled to a defense under our system of justice,” the President said in announcing his decision, “In addition, as both a student and a teacher of Constitutional law, I am keenly aware of the relevant history of our highest court. When our nation and its courts were in their infancy, it was the wisdom of our founding fathers and our early justices that forged the unique and lasting system of justice we enjoy to this day. And we must not forget that most of these legal pioneers wore their hair in ponytails. Yet nearly two centuries have passed since any member of the highest court in our land has done so. With all of the challenges this Court will face in the 21st century, I feel that we cannot afford to allow this trend to continue. Ponytails must once again share their rightful place on the bench of the United States Supreme Court.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, responding to reporters’ questions during his daily briefing, further explained the President’s decision, saying, “I think the President made clear his position on men with ponytails being represented on the Court. That being said, the field was essentially narrowed down to future Justice Kuby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell. Senator Campbell is 76 now, and enjoying his jewelry business. Mr. Kuby will be 53 when the next Court convenes in October. The President is hopeful that his ponytail wisdom will be a constructive influence on American jurisprudence for many years to come.”
Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, when asked if the Administration feared a possible Republican filibuster attempting to block the controversial nominee, said, “of course we expect a f*****g filibuster. Those f*****g c***suckers have a problem everything the President does, right down to the choice of his f*****g tie. F**k them.”
House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office released a statement in response to the surprise nomination, which read: “Just as with the economy and the illegal torture of prisoners, it’s all Pelosi’s fault.”
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