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Edited on Sat Feb-28-09 09:08 PM by NanceGreggs
I understand that you’ll be reading a few letters each week from your constituents, so I’m hoping mine will be one of them.
Because you need some pointers here, Barack – hope you don’t me calling you by your front name (and you can call me “Nance” when you phone me after reading this – which I know you will – to thank me for setting you straight.)
Let’s face it, Barack – you still haven’t won over all of the Republicans, and it should be obvious to you by now why their support isn’t a brazillion percent behind you. You’re making them uncomfortable with all of this hope-‘n’-change stuff, and they’re just not emotionally ready to handle it.
The fact of the matter is you’re just not fuckin’ up enough.
There, I said it – someone had to. Now let’s get down to it, shall we?
Right off the top there’s this stimulus package, which is coming in at a pretty steep price. You should know that Republicans cringe at the very thought of the citizenry’s tax dollars being used to assist the citizenry in any way, shape or form. I’ve done a bit of number-crunching, and even allowing for line items like $250 KBR-embroidered towels for troops in the field, you could wage a decent-sized unnecessary war for the kind of money you’re talking about spending right here at home.
And if you do away with non-essential equipment like body armor, you can throw some big bonuses at the CEOs of war-profiteering corporations. I guarantee you, the GOP will love you for it – hey, the neo-cons might even start showing up on the political shows, talking about how a square in the capital of whatever country you choose to wage war on will be named after you someday.
What’s that, O-man? You don’t know how to start a war? Just rifle through the bottom drawer in the Oval Office desk – there’s probably a couple of old, crumpled memos left there by the last administration about fabricating “evidence of WMDs”. There you go – problem solved. And when you finally decide to invade a country that poses no threat to the US, be sure to couch the imminent destruction of a nation and its culture in poetic terms – some catchy phrase that makes it sound as though you’re liberating a people. The GOPers just love that shit – so be sure and lay it on with a trowel. (P.S. The "purple finger" voting schmooze has been done to death - get your people to come up with a new concept for maximum Faux-News coverage.)
The next thing that has to be addressed is this coming off as articulate and intelligent thingy you’re prone to, especially in press conferences. Try to keep that stuff on the down-low, fer Crissakes. Act the buffoon – the “other side” eat that up (or at least couldn’t get their fill for the last eight years). Talk about being “misunderestimated” or “putting food on your family” – if that don’t get ‘em, they ain’t in town.
And when you’re addressing Congress, for the love of all that’s unholy, please don’t talk about specific problems and specific solutions. Our friends on the other side of the aisle are complete suckers for vague homilies – so give ‘em what they crave, e.g. “The people are out there shopping their asses off, so apparently this economic downturn just ain’t happenin’.”
Your biggest challenge, needless to say, is winning over the support of the Christian Right ™ - the biggest bunch of nuts, and the hardest to crack. Talk about torture as often as possible, and if you can manage a glazed look in your eyes as you talk about it – as though you’re Rumsfeld caught up in some pervy sexual fantasy as you speak on the topic of waterboarding – you’ll win their hearts and minds for sure. The alleged Christ-followers just love hearing that they’re being made “safer” by some guy named Mohammed-something-or-other being tortured on a regular basis.
And let me throw in a marketing idea here, if I may: How about selling bracelets engraved “WWJT – MSOOFFS” (“Who Would Jesus Torture – Mohammed Something-Or-Other Fer Fuck’s Sake”). Man, you just know the CR™ will suck that up with a crucifix-shaped spoon – and you can stash the proceeds in an offshore account for your retirement, ‘cause as well all know, presidentin’ is hard work that doesn’t pay as well as being a TV evangelist with a forbidden yen-for-men, and a penchant for hiding mega-bucks behind the tax-exempt status of a mega-church.
If there’s one thing that makes the right wing antsy, it’s worrying about your stance on keeping the country terrified safe from evil doers and terraists. I would suggest buying a copy of “The Pet Goat”, which you can prominently carry with you at all times. This way, the Republicans who get their rocks off being askeered all the time will know that if the worst should happen, you’ll be prepared to lead by having the most appropriate reading material at-the-ready.
I hate to get personal here, B. But some situations just warrant it. If you could get Michelle to dowdy herself up a bit – you know, ixnay on the being beautiful, intelligent and stylish thing – it would go a long way in winnin’ over the hearts and minds of the heartless and mindless. If she could learn to stare into a camera, with the look of someone buzzed-out on anti-depressants, and talk about how you suffer more than anyone due to the war in Iraq, I can guarantee you the undying devotion of idiots everywhere.
I know you got a country to run into the ground and all, just like your predecessor, so I won’t take up any more of your time. But I’ll get back to you soon – I’ve got some great ideas about ways you can fuck up the environment, shred the Constitution, spy on American citizens, etc., that will undoubtedly ensure your re-election - what with GOPers rushing to the polls to vote for you in unprecedented numbers the second time around.
Oh, but one last thing – and I know it’s a lot to ask, but … if you could get Joe Biden to shoot somebody in the face, it would just be icing on the proverbial cake. At least think about it, okay?
Thanks for listenin',
--- Nance
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