Let Us Now Praise Alan Keyes

[Plaid Adder]

Thank you, Alan, for being such a loose-cannon, froth-spattering, batshit crazy lunatic that wherever you go, Republican hypocrisy is mown down and must lie withering in the hot sun of rational scrutiny. Amen.

This little peroration is brought to you by the Senate race in Illinois. Keyes, who was drafted at the last minute to replace a guy who was deemed a nonviable candidate because he used to try to pimp his wife in sex clubs, gave an interview to a GBLT radio network in which he explained that all gay people were "selfish hedonists." When asked, "So would that make Mary Cheney a selfish hedonist?" he replied that of course it would. After all, if all lesbians are selfish hedonists, and Mary Cheney is a lesbian, then she's a selfish hedonist, right? Even Alan Keyes can figure that out.

Sane Republicans everywhere have been jumping all over him for this, saying that he was wrong to "personalize" the issue by dragging poor Mary Cheney into it. Everyone from Judy Barr Topinka to the Bush campaign has admonished Keyes for not saying that of course he didn't mean to say *the vice president's daughter* was a selfish hedonist, because that would be, you know, impolite and mean.

It pisses me off no end that the same people who accept their party's endorsement of the FMA suddenly get bent out of shape as soon as they see it affecting one of their own. This is like Quayle's famous gaffe during the 1992 campaign, in which a reporter asked him what he would tell his teenage daughter if she told him she had been raped and was pregnant and didn't want the baby, and he said, "I would leave the decision up to her." So...in other words, when it's YOUR family, you're pro-choice, is that it, Danny Boy? It's the same thing here: oh, no, Mary, we didn't mean to call YOU a selfish hedonist! We were just saying that all gay people are antisocial and that recognizing their relationships woudl be tantamount to commiting social suicide...but we didn't mean to hurt YOUR feelings! You're a Republican's daughter, after all!

Well, you know what, assholes? I'm a Republican's daughter too, and I don't like being called a selfish hedonist any more than Mary Cheney does. But somehow, it's OK for me and a million other anonymous GBLT Americans to have our emotional and personal lives put through the sausage grinder of wedge issue politics just so you can climb 0.05% in the polls. And this makes sense why?

They can all bite my asp. Meanwhile, to Alan Keyes, all I can say is: keeeeeeeeeep talkin'. You have the magical power of turning a wedge into a boomerang, and for that I love you, selfish hedonist though I am.

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[Ishoutandscream]

1. Alan Keyes - the gift that keeps on giving

He gives lunacy a bad name.

[fdr_hst_fan]

3. I think it would be safe to say

that ALAN is a few KEYES short of a FULL RING, no?

[Plaid Adder]

4. My favorite comment on this was from John McCain:

"I think it's clear that we lose Illinois."

You got that right, buddy,

The Plaid Adder

[LuminousX]

2. At least he isn't a hypocrit

he may be wrong, but since anti-Gay is part of the Republican mentality, Keyes is willing to say it applies to all Gays including daughters of prominent Republicans.

This is great. This show just how mean-spirited and hate filled the Republican party really is. Not one ounce of compassion in the entire party.

[11 Bravo]

5. I think I love you ...

you tartan snake.

[tjwash]

6. He gives ultra -facist, neo-conservative, hypocites a bad name.

nt