If we could have read McCain's mind while he gave his speech,

[mistertrickster]

would it have revealed something like this?

Thank you all very much. Tonight, I have a privilege given few Americans except for very wealthy white men— the privilege of accepting our party's nomination for president of the United States. And I accept it with gratitude, humility and confidence. Dickheads.

In my life, no success has come without a good fight: for instance, it wasn’t easy to dump my crippled ex-wife and hook up with this rich bimbo and this nomination wasn't any different. That's a tribute to the candidates who opposed me and their supporters. Loser jerks. They're leaders of great ability see last item, who love our country and its lobbyists, and wished to lead it to better days. Sayonara, douchebags. Their support is an honor I won't forget. What are their names again?

I'm grateful to the president remember what they told you: don’t mention his name, don’t mention his name for leading us in those dark days following the worst attack on American soil in our history, course I was warned not to fly commercial months before and keeping us safe from another attack many thought was inevitable; and to the first lady, Laura Bush, how could she spend thirty years with President Wank-off? a model of grace and kindness in public and in private. "Pickles," word on the street the nickname comes from her constant reliance on one, Mr. Jack Daniels. And I'm grateful to the 41st president and his bride his bride! What idiot speech writer put that in there? That’s some scary shit of 63 years, and for their outstanding example of honorable service to our country. Service meaning of course making a lot of money at the public trough. Well done, you old scoundrel, you.

As always, I'm indebted to my wife, Cindy, LITERALLY, where would I be without her 100 million bucks! and my seven children. What’s their names. The pleasures of family life can seem like a brief holiday from the crowded calendar of our nation's business. Collecting checks from lobbyists. But I have treasured them all the more, the checks that is and can't imagine a life without the happiness you give me. BUY me, is more like it. Cindy said a lot of nice things about me tonight. Makes me almost wish I hadn’t called her a “cunt” that time. But, in truth, I'm really an asshole and she knows it she's more my inspiration than I am hers. She has 100 million ways to inspire me. Her concern for those less blessed than we are you know, the Bush’s, hahaha — victims of land mines, children born in poverty and with birth defects pathetic losers, oooh, let’s have a pity party — shows the measure of her humanity. Inanity. I know she will make a great first lady. Course, that's like being a really great sprinter in the Special Olympics.

When I was growing up, my father was often at sea screwing whores in every port, and the job of raising my brother, sister and me would fall to my mother alone. My mother and the black servants. Roberta McCain gave us her love of life, her deep interest in the world, her strength and her belief we are all meant to use our opportunities to make ourselves useful to our country. “Country” meaning the rich white men that run the country. I wouldn't be here tonight but for the strength of her character. Not only that, she could really keep the coloreds in line. You shoulda seen them hop to when she picked up a ruler or a fly swatter.

Finally, a word to Sen. Obama and his supporters. F*** you. We'll go at it over the next two months. We’ll slime you mercilessly and then accuse you whining when you protest. That's the nature of these contests, and there are big differences between us. Our slime machine is way bigger and more effective than yours. But you have my respect and admiration. Oh hell, not even I am buying this. Despite our differences, much more unites us than divides us. No way, black man. We are fellow Americans, an association that means more to me than any other. We're dedicated to the proposition that all people are created equal except for the colored and gays and endowed by our Creator with inalienable rights. For instance, every American has the right to agree with Bush and me. No country ever had a greater cause than that. To toe the Republican party line. And I wouldn't be an American worthy of the name “American” means of course “Republican” if I didn't honor Sen. Obama and his supporters for their achievement. Goddamn speech writer, wait until I get this kid alone. Let's see him type after I step on his hand and grind it.

But let there be no doubt, my friends, we're going to win this election. We own the flipping voting machines, suckers! And after we've won, we're going to reach out our hand and give the Democrats the finger to any willing patriot, make this government start working for you again, and get this country back on the road to prosperity and peace for the big special interests funding my campaign.

These are tough times for many of you. That didn’t have the common decency to marry money like me. You're worried about keeping your job or finding a new one, and are struggling to put food on the table and stay in your home. Freakin’ losers. Anybody dumb enough to think we’ll help the effing working class deserves what you get. All you ever asked of government is to stand on your side, not in your way. And that's just what I intend to do: stand on your side and push you into the abyss and fight for your future. “You” meaning the very richest Americans, of course—the ones that count . . .

And I've found just the right partner to help me shake up Washington forget that I’ve been in Washington for the last thirty years, Gov. Sarah Palin rhymes with failin’ of Alaska. She has executive experience and a real record of accomplishment at the kind of political persecution and egregious abuse of power that Republicans are famous for. She's tackled tough problems like energy independence yeah, oil and coal companies still don’t have enough independence from laws, for instance and corruption tackling the tough problem of hiding her corruption. She's balanced a budget, cut taxes and taken on the special interests in the sense that a prostitute has “taken on” new johns. She's reached across the aisle and given Democrats the finger and asked Republicans, Democrats and independents to serve in her administration until she fired the Democrats and independents. She's the mother of five children wench never heard of birth control, I guess. She's helped run a small business massage parlor, worked with her hands see last item and knows what it's like to worry about mortgage payments and health care and the cost of gasoline and groceries. Thank God I don’t have to worry about that penny-ante shit, thanks to Cindy!

She knows where she comes from hell, and she knows who she works for big corporate interests. She stands up for what's right money, and she doesn't let anyone tell her to sit down unless she’s getting paid a lot of money for it. I'm very proud to have introduced our next vice president what's her name to the country. But I can't wait until I introduce her to Washington The millions we will make! And let me offer an advance warning to the old, big-spending, do-nothing, me-first, country-second Washington crowd: Change is coming. It’s going to cost you a lot more to buy me now, suckers.

[mistertrickster]

1. Shameless bump of my own thread back to the top. nt