|
If you’ve ever doubted the fact that a Republican won’t be sworn-in as the next president, a quick perusal of their respective agendas should remove all doubt:
Rudy Giuliani
First order of business: Determine the most likely targets for a terrorist attack, then have all of the country’s defense command centers relocated to those sites.
International agenda: n/a at this time (As soon as he figures out where all of those other countries he’s heard about are located, who’s runnin’ them and whatnot, he will have more to say on the topic.)
Create New Cabinet Position: Official Pilot for Air Force One-B, which will be used solely for the purpose of flying Judy’s Louis Vuitton bag from one place to another.
Bad News: Will rename NYC Giuliani City landmarks, i.e. Giuliani Twin Towers, the Giuliani Empire State Building, Giuliani Times Square, in recognition of his own humility and heroism. Good News: Brand-new First Lady every year!
John McCain
First order of business: Task the country’s leading scientists with finding a way to turn back time – back to an era when people actually respected him.
International agenda: Re-institute the draft and declare war on Vietnam, because this time he’s gonna win it.
Create New Official Department: Department of Propaganda Straight-Talk
Bad News: Will publicly disown his own daughter because she’s a half-black love-child born of an illicit, adulterous union.
Good News: Will be impeached after finally admitting that his daughter is a half-black love-child born of an illicit, adulterous union.
Mike Huckabee
First Order of Business: Praise the Lord, then retire to newly-built White House 'Prayer Closet' for the next four years.
International agenda: Erect a fence around the perimeter of the earth so that no one falls off the edge.
Create New Department: Department of Rapture-Readiness
Bad News: Will be even more fiscally irresponsible than Bush administration.
Good News: Thanks to the Bush administration, there’s no money left to be irresponsible with.
Fred Thompson
First Order of Business: Take a nap after scheduling first vacation.
International agenda: Dazzle recalcitrant nations’ leaders into hypnotic submission by being accompanied everywhere by his grand-daughter’s wife’s cleavage.
Create New Cabinet Position: Official President-Waker-Upper
Bad News: Will fully prosecute the Mexicans who caused financial catastrophe by getting mortgages from astute lenders who were confused by their poor English.
Good News: Won’t start wars or invade any countries because being a wartime president requires being awake more than two hours a day.
Mitt Romney
First Order of Business: Check mirror and ensure that he has that presidential look.
International agenda: Promote international travel and boost tourism with easily-affordable “strapped to the roof of the plane” seats.
Create New Cabinet Position: Official Presidential Stylist
Bad News: Will tithe ten percent of all tax revenues to the Church of LDS.
Good News: Tax rebates for all citizens on purchases of hairspray, mousse, tanning lotions, teeth-whiteners, and Magic Underwear.
Looks like the GOP has finally done it - offered a list of candidates that even Republican voters are too smart to vote for.
|