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Apparently our Dear Friend, G.W. Bush, has been circulating a letter to RNC members (shown here in bolded italics) – and I couldn’t resist the urge to unofficially offer a Democratic response:
"Dear Friend,
In just over 13 months, Americans go to the polls to elect the next President. We have an important mission: to keep the White House in 2008, and retake the U.S. House and Senate. It is critical we do so and your help is needed today to ensure a GOP victory."
I hate to break it to you, Mr. President – if, indeed, that is your real name – but your important mission is, for all intents and purposes, already DOA.
But don’t let me spoil your fun. Why not plaster a big “Mission Accomplished” banner over the White House, put on your make-believe uniform, and declare victory!
We all know how well that first photo-op turned out – and the entire nation is used to you trotting out the same old/same old anyway – so why not go for it!
"Next year, Chairman Mike Duncan and the Republican National Committee (RNC) will have the job of organizing our Party's national grassroots campaign effort. Mike and I both are counting on your support to help lead the Republican Party to sweeping victories in the 2008 elections."
I thought your tokin’, drinkin’ and snortin’ days were behind you, George. Sweeping victories? Let me put it this way: If every elected Republican had his/her position on the block in ’08, you’d be lucky if one of them got elected as the Official Street-Sweeper of East Bumf*ck, Wyoming (population: 1).
And isn’t it a shame you and Mike have been reduced to counting on your constituents – instead of just counting on Karl, the guy with the math.
"We know it is grassroots activists like you who put up the yard signs, knock on the doors, make the phone calls and do what's necessary to win and elect a Republican president and Congress."
Yard signs? Knocking on doors? What’s up with that? We thought your grassroots activists all worked for Diebold!
"And it is people like you who give generously to ensure our candidates have the resources needed to run effective campaigns and win. That is why I hope you will make a special online gift of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $25 to keep the RNC's 2008 election programs moving forward."
You’re begging for twenty-five bucks? What happened to all of those Pioneers who were rakin’ in the dough for you guys back in the day? Surely some of them haven’t been indicted yet.
Again I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but all recent reports show that those people who give generously are being less than generous of late.
"Winning the 2008 elections will be the toughest test our Party has faced since we won the White House and added to our numbers in both houses of Congress in 2004."
Well, like they say, Georgie: that was then, this is now. No one can argue that you didn’t have ‘em cheering the GOP back in 2004 – but that was before everyone knew what total f*ck-ups you guys were.
As for your statement about 2008 being the toughest test your party will ever face, I can only assume you’ve actually seen the yahoos they have running.
"To accomplish our mission, Republicans must make clear how we will meet the challenges of defending America and extending our prosperity."
Not necessary, George. The Republicans have already made it abundantly clear: invade Afghanistan, create more terrorists; invade Iraq, create more terrorists.
As for extending prosperity, I have to admit you had me going for a minute there – I never figured you were smart enough to understand irony, no less use the concept in a sentence!
"Republicans have a solid record when it comes to protecting the United States of America."
Yeah. It’s a lousy record, but it’s solid – almost etched in stone, wouldn’t you say?
Remember Katrina, George? You and your Republican buddies couldn’t even protect the citizens of NOLA from Michael Brown.
"After the enemy attacked us, I vowed I would rally this nation and use our resources to protect you. And that is exactly what we have done."
'I believe the memo was entitled Bin Laden Determined to Strike in the US.' Too bad you didn’t use the resource of reading that memo before the enemy attacked us; all that rallying might not have been necessary.
By the way, remind me again what prison Bin Laden is cooling his heels in? And what was the name of that guy, the anthrax killer – how many years did he get?
"We have reformed our intelligence services to make sure we can find the enemy before they strike. We have fought to deny them safe haven in Afghanistan and Iraq so they cannot plan and plot again."
Uh, don’t look now, but it seems there’s all kinds of plannin’ and plottin’ going on in Iraq (EYE-rack) and Afghanistan (Aff-GANN-is-STAN) right about now – don’t they have TV over to the Crawford Ranch? You might think about getting one.
But I gotta admit that I do feel safer just knowing that our stalwart intelligence services are keeping busy listening-in on my Aunt Camille’s phone conversations with my Aunt Mildred, because I’m totally convinced their bowling league is up to no good.
"The fight for freedom in Iraq is the fight for the security of the United States of America and we must prevail. If we leave before the job is done, the enemy that attacked us would be emboldened. I believe if our candidates take the message of doing what is necessary to protect the American people, we will win in 2008."
Okay, okay – now I know you’re pulling my leg! Freedom in Iraq, LOL!!! George, you’re killin’ me – or, more accurately, you’re killin’ (literally) all of those Iraqis who we were told you were liberating. But as you always say, George, Freedom isn’t free. And no one knows that better than Halliburton!
"Republicans also have a solid record when it comes to growing this economy."
Yes siree, that’s another solid record, by George! No one can look at the profits of Big Oil, Big Business and Big Pharma and not see how the economy has grown – for them, thanks to your patronage.
By the way, the Reagan tricklin’ down still hasn’t trickled down to the middle-class and the poor yet – do you have any timelines as to when your tricklin’ down will trickle down?
"Republicans cut taxes for everybody who pays taxes. We understand that if you have more money in your pocket to save, spend, or invest, the economy will grow."
Again, I have to give you right when you’re right. Republicans did cut taxes for everyone. They cut taxes for the average hard-working middle-class guy by $200 and they cut taxes for the average billionaire to the tune of $2,000,000,000,000,000,000 – but hey, it’s all relative, right?
And those tax-cuts did indeed put money in the pockets of the people who save, spend, and invest – like Dick Cheney, who, thanks to his tax break, can now finally get his stockbroker on the phone and say, “Hey, you know that fledgling mining company I couldn’t afford to invest in before I got my tax break? Well, guess what …”
"If you look carefully at the budget the Democrats proposed, they want to return to the days of tax and spend. They will raise your taxes and figure out new ways to spend your money."
You’ve just created the biggest national debt in the history of the United States, and you’re talking about the Democrats figuring out new ways to spend money? What’s wrong with the old ways – like invading and occupying a foreign country and shelling out billions on a losing proposition? No need for inventiveness here.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject – what ever happened to that surplus the last tax-and-spend Democratic president left in your keeping? Just wonderin’ …
"If our candidates remind the American voter that tax cuts have worked, that the economy is strong as a result of the tax cuts, and instead of raising taxes, we ought to make the tax cuts permanent, we will retake the U.S. House and Senate and hold the White House in 2008."
See, here’s the problem, George. If you have to remind the voters of what you’ve allegedly accomplished, that’s a sure sign that you haven’t accomplished it. If the economy was as strong as you guys keep telling us it is, we wouldn’t need no remindin’ – just like if the Surge was working, you wouldn’t need to throw $15 million American voters’ bucks at a PR firm in order to get the word out on the street – like, duh, we’d know.
"You can win most elections based upon strong national defense and good economic policy. But the RNC needs Sustaining Members to get this message out and support our Republican candidates."
Go back and read my last point about not having to get the message out if the message was actually true – besides, you know and I know you’ve already forgotten my last point in the three weeks it took you to read this far anyway.
"Friend, Republicans believe in doing what's right for America. We believe that the best days lie ahead for our country. And I believe that we're going to succeed in 2008 with your support."
If Republicans believe in doing what’s right for America, why haven’t they done it yet? As for the concept that the best days lie ahead, you’re right – just as soon as you and your buddies are gone, we can all look forward to better days.
(And please don’t call me “friend” – I’m really picky about my friends, and there isn’t a war criminal among them. That kinda leaves you out of the runnin’, doesn’t it?)
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
Yeah, sincerely. Heh, heh, heh.
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