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In a stunning development, the White House has announced that Gen. David Petraeus will not be available in person to testify to Congress on his assessment of military progress in Iraq - rather, his thoughts will be psychically channeled through Vice President Dick Cheney.
"We'd love to make Gen. Petraeus personally available" said White House spokesperson Tony Snow, "but we feel that, when he's confronted by the very, very scary Congressional Democrats, he might seize up and faint. The General is a very brave man - but not brave enough to face that crowd. By psychically channeling his testimony through the Vice President, we can avoid possible embarrassment while ensuring that Congress and the American People have the unvarnished facts they need".
When asked if this was an absolute load of crap, Snow bristled: "It's really sad that some people see this war as some sort of political game. Like the President, we all really need to respect the psychic judgement of our commanders in the field."
Reached for comment, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton claimed "I am in favor of this - and, I am against this."
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