Participants new to this board and political neophytes alike may find the terminology used here to be a bafflement. Herewith, with apologies to Ambrose Bierce, is one modest attempt to define clearly some of this arcane argot.
bash, v., n. To question the integrity or motives of a candidate. See also trash.
Blue Dog, n. A curious animal whose behavior is usually characterized by utter passivity. Unless muzzled, however, it will sometimes spontaneously bite dogs that are not blue.
candidate, n. A crazy person; the dementia may be variously perceived as endearing or threatening.
centrist, n. Someone who can prove with pie-charts that radicals have doomed the party's chance of electoral success.
cleavage, n. A separation between two things. Rhetoric and actions, for example.
debate, n. Formerly a structured Socratic dialogue between two parties with opposing views on an issue, governed by formal rules, the term is now used to describe a process wherein eight or more politically ambitious individuals are asked ludicrous hypothetical questions, to which they generally respond by quoting irrelevant portions of their stump speeches.
DINO, n. Acronymic description of any Democratic candidate or elected official with whom one disagrees on one or more issues.
electability, n. A criterion by which a candidate is judged and accordingly dismissed or embraced. No precise metric exists, but it is variously dependent on the size of a candidate's ears, grooming expenses or house.
election cycle, n. Time itself; eternity. A phrase that should only be used ironically in conversation, if at all.
electoral college, n. The political equivalent of the legendary School of Hard Knocks. Occasionally, as in 2000, a School for Scandal.
endorsement, n. A meaningless but often fiercely courted opinion intended to provoke remorse in those who do not share it.
experience, n. Something someone has done or lived through; examples include getting an education, going through puberty, whitewater rafting, breathing, watching television, grocery shopping, getting dressed in the morning, and so forth. Much prized by political partisans as a perfect subject for shrill and fruitless arguments.
grassroots, n. The underground portion of grass, frequently fertilized by candidates with copious amounts of cow manure.
Green, adj., n. Someone who expresses ineluctable disgust with the two-party system by helping to ensure Republican electoral victories.
haircut, n. The shearing of hair, undergone at least occasionally by most members of the human race, male and female. An intrinsically neutral act given sinister implications when the cost of the process rises above a certain dollar threshold.
hater, n. Formerly, an individual who feels hatred. In current parlance, it describes a person who has the temerity to not admire a candidate.
horse race, n. A running or trotting competition between equine animals, usually on an oval track. Frequently involves wagering. Has no relationship to the electoral process.
issues, n. Tangible challenges and priorities for the nation; an obsolete concept once thought by many to be the single most important element of politics.
judgment, n. An intangible quality nevertheless demonstrated tangibly by one's preferred candidate.
leadership, n. A quality beloved by followers.
liberal, n. A dangerous creature dreaded by Republicans and avoided carefully by Democratic politicians.
media, n. A scurrilous assemblage of people who talk endlessly about things they have no qualifications to discuss.
NASCAR dad, n. A creature assiduously wooed by Democratic politicians; almost invariably votes for a Republican.
netroots, n. Voters who surf the Internet. Once their computers are turned off, they are commonly referred to as voters.
pandering, n. A contagious, reflexive disorder contracted by most candidates the moment they decide to run for office; symptoms include involuntary empty promises, painful self-contradiction and recurrent vomiting by those watching it with a sceptical eye. The only known cure is electoral defeat.
platform, n. A raised, flat surface constructed from planks intended to offend as few people as possible. Intended as a means to get off the ground, the structure is usually abandoned once it has successfully permitted its builder to ascend still further.
poll, n. A pseudoscientific assemblage of actuarial data which purports to tell an individual what he or she should think, if he or she doesn't think that way already. Replaces certain ancient practices such as ornithomancy or phrenology.
primary, n. A straw vote, generally used to confirm a candidate already chosen by the party establishment.
progressive, n., adj. A mythical beast, similar to the chimera of the ancient Greeks. While no consensus exists as to its characteristics, it is widely deemed to be much friendlier than a liberal (see liberal).
pundit, n. 1. A person of average intelligence or less, who is handsomely paid to reduce the world's complexities down to bumpersticker size. 2. An altruist who labors hard to formulate stupid opinions so that his or her audience doesn't have to think at all.
Radical, n. Someone who can prove with pie-charts that centrists have doomed the party's chance of electoral success.
Security mom, n. A creature who occasionally bundles her puling children into a minivan and drives them to a playdate, preferably in a gated community. Generally votes Republican, but can be won over by a Democratic candidate, as long as no new taxes are proposed.
table, n. A piece of furniture consisting of a flat surface supported by a number of legs. Useful for the eating of meals, the preparation of tax returns, or the utilization of ashtrays. Under no circumstances should impeachment be placed on such a piece of furniture, especially during a campaign season.
trash, v., n. To question the integrity or motives of a candidate. See also bash.
undecided, adj. The mark of a fool who defers making a decision until the appropriate time for decision-making has actually arrived.
values, n. Undefinable term, its meaning often further occluded by being coupled with words like "American", "family", or "traditional"; convenient smokescreen by which people of all political persuasions mask their irrational voting habits.
Yellow Dog, n. A dependable canine companion, usually safely taken for granted by its masters.
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