Open Letter to Mary Cheney's Unborn Baby

[lwcon]

Actually, this is two open letters.

Before the one to Cheney's forthcoming child is one to Jeremy Lott, author of the (I'm not making this up) rightwing book: "In Defense of Hypocrisy."

He tried to defend one of his own opinions, via a couple of comments on my blog, and my response spilled over into some things I thought the next little Cheney needs to hear about its two mommies' unholy homosexual agenda.

- - - - -

Dear Jeremy,

As my mother-in-law says, "who's kidding who?"

The Rabid Right milks the memes of government inefficiency and Christian charity to rationalize fattening the nation's richest men and trying to widen the eye of the needle by offering Christianists a hearty swig off the much-maligned federal tit.

Oh, and let's not ignore the fact that Bush's Righteous Rightwing administration has outspent every government in American history, even as he — and the nurturing mama who spawned him — told NOLA's poor to eat Astroturf.

Record spending while abandoning the downtrodden should offend any disciple of Christ — or anyone who doesn't reflexively embrace the GOP's "Power to the Powerful" message. That it doesn't, I suppose, is some sort of testament to faith.

Now, I won't deny that some religious folks do good works, often without buggering any children or meth-dealing prostitutes at all!

That said, please see the charity story in my letter, below, to Mary Cheney's unborn baby.

And don't worry about reading someone else's mail. Privacy is so pre-9/11. Besides, if anyone should know how unprivate our world is, it's got to be the world's most famous pre-person.


Dear Mary Cheney's Unborn Baby,

Welcome to America!

Odds are excellent that you'll be raised in comfort and that you'll get a good education. That's pretty lucky!

For some reason, lots of American kids can't get those things. To get a little college money, some young folks take jobs in places where the people are real grouchy, and it's so hot that cars just suddenly explode! But I think the Good Lord has other priorities for you.

I'll wager that plenty of love awaits you, too, because there are two mommies looking forward to your arrival. That's gotta be a good thing, huh?

And they're not the only ones who know you're coming. One of our nation's holiest men, James Dobson, just wrote a Time magazine article in honor your impending birth: "Two Mommies Is One Too Many — Mary Cheney is starting a family. Let's hope she doesn't start a trend."

Oops. Maybe that two mommies thing isn't so great, after all. Sorry. Because religious people are the best people, and they always know the absolute truth and absolute morality. So what can you do?

You don't have worry too much, though, about them disapproving of you.

All they want to know is that you're a good person: i.e., a white, wealthy, heterosexual Christianist.

Ideally, you'll be a boy, because then you could be President of the United States! Some people think girls could be President one day, but they're just so grating, you know?

If you're a girl, make sure you give lots of babies to your husband or husbands (oops again: polygamy isn't supposed to go that way).

Hey kid, I'm sorry you have to hear this at such a young age, but homosexuals like your parents are tearing our country apart. Look what they did to a century-old institution that until recently cared for children not much older than you:

June 30, 2006 — For 103 years, Catholic Charities of Boston has found homes for tens of thousands of needy children, but tomorrow the adoption agency shuts its doors.

It is closing because of pressure from the Catholic Church, which opposes the Massachusetts law that protects the rights of gay couples to adopt a child.

Since they're destroying civilization, I do hope you'll be able to convince one of your mommies (preferably the one with all the Halliburton shares) to break up that unholy family and create the kind of household that the childcare expert Dobson approves of. Because father knows best, especially if he's a white, wealthy, heterosexual Christianist (note: Christianist heterosexuality may vary).

Best wishes,
Uncle Vast

P.S., Here are some cool home movies and scrapbook items featuring your grandma and grandpa. They've been mighty busy making the world a better and more civil place!

___

Hey, the liberal light is always on at the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy. Please stop by and say "hi!"

[Captain Hilts]

1. To Mary's baby: Move to Maryland! It's better up here! nt

[babylonsister]

2. P.S. Who's yer daddy?

:popcorn: :hide: