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“WAGING WAR (for Dummies)”
By Nancy Greggs
If you are a newly-selected president intent on going down in history as the Worst.President.Ever., just follow the guidelines below for slam-dunk, easy results. These simple steps are guaranteed to shave points off your approval ratings on an ongoing basis – while creating death, destruction and world-wide unrest that will last for decades!
WHERE TO BEGIN: Be sure the war you are about to start is against some vague concept or idea, e.g. War on Boredom, War on Speculation, War on Terror. This is particularly effective when commingled with noble-sounding ideas, e.g. spreading democracy, ‘liberation’ of a country.
STEP 2: Once you have identified the country you plan to ‘liberate’, start cherry-picking intelligence that supports the need for military action, e.g. yellow cake from Niger, ties to a recent attack on your own nation, WMDs, mobile chemical-weapons labs, etc.
Don’t worry, the truth will emerge over time, at which point you will be exposed as a deceitful, war-mongering tyrant. Then you can relax and watch those favorability numbers plummet!
STEP 3: Once you have manipulated intelligence (real or imagined) to your advantage, pepper every public statement with phrases like grave and gathering threat, or fightin’ over there so we don’t have to fight ‘em at home, etc. Back up the rhetoric with a color-coded alert system, which can be utilized repeatedly to instill fear and anxiety.
Eventually it will become obvious that this system is only used for political reasons, and has nothing to do with an actual threat of any kind. Be patient! Some passage of time may be necessary before the public catches on, especially if the mainstream media has no interest in real news coverage.
STEP 4: Assure the citizenry that the pre-determined war will be a cakewalk, which will last a matter of weeks. Talk up the great rewards in store, e.g. being greeted with sweets and flowers. Don’t forget to reiterate the concept of the ‘Noble Cause’, e.g. overthrowing an evil regime, winning the hearts and minds of the population about to be victimized.
By the time your adoring public figures out you are actually maiming, killing and torturing the people you were allegedly going to ‘liberate’, it will be TOO LATE to stop the mayhem!
STEP 5: Surround yourself with IDIOTS! Refuse all advice proferred by anyone with military experience or know-how. Rely solely on advisors who are clueless members of some cabal intent on domination of the world’s oil supply, e.g. PNACers. The more off-the-mark their predictions about anything prove to be, the faster you will lose the war along with your own credibility.
STEP 6: Don’t forget your friends! Nothing riles a US citizen faster than watching their hard-earned tax dollars being funneled into the pockets of your own friends and family members via no-bid contracts. So don’t forget to spend, spend, spend, and be insistent about non-transparency and a complete lack of oversight!
STEP 7: Keep those casualties HIGH! Ensure that body and vehicle armor is unavailable, food and water supplies for the troops are of questionable quality – and always remember that tired, over-extended troops are the most expedient way to get people to truly HATE you and STOP supporting your war-of-choice!
ADDITIONAL SURE-FIRE TACTICS for the Hopeful W.P.E.: If possible, cause as much turmoil in your own country as possible during the conduct of your insane overseas debacle, e.g. ruin the economy, appoint total numbskulls to important positions, arrogantly circumvent Constitutional law, act like a buffoon in public to the point where your sanity is brought into question.
This type of behavior, if accompanied with an air of arrogance coupled with ineptitude, can lead to loss of your ‘base’ supporters, and could end in disaster for your party members during an election. Warning: These additional tactics should not be attempted by amateurs, and are only suitable for professional Dummies.
FINAL STEP: If you have been vigilant in following Steps 1 through 7, your target ‘liberated’ country will now be in the throes of Civil War, with the attendant chaos and violence. As the situation proves completely irreversible, keep repeating nonsensical slogans, e.g. Stay The Course, Adapt To Win. Refer to the escalating conflict as merely a new phase in the journey to imminent victory.
NOTE: If your approval rating is still not far enough in the dumper and/or proceedings for your impeachment have not yet ensued, make a public display of the fact that you’ve had to go running to your Daddy, begging him to bail you out of the incredible mess you’ve made.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are now well on your way to being known as the Worst.President.Ever.!
(Some of our other publications you may enjoy: "Impeachment for Dummies" and "War Crimes Tribunals for Dummies")
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