Bush to Bring Troops Home, Resign on Bizarro Earth

[evilkumquat]

BIZARRO WASHINGTON, DC: Bizarro President Bush and Bizarro Congress pushed through emergency legislation late Wednesday designed to immediately bring Bizarro American troops home from Bizarro Iraq. This action was prompted by the results of a special investigation ordered by the Bizarro President to determine why Bizarro Saddam Hussein’s supposed weapons of mass destruction were not found. The Bizarro Bush Administration cited WMD’s as the main reason for last year’s invasion.

The WMD report was issued early Wednesday morning by a committee handpicked by the Bizarro Congress, composed entirely of Bizarro Democrats. This committee’s composition was not only endorsed by Bizarro President Bush, but recommended by him as well. He felt it was necessary to exclude Bizarro Republicans from the committee in order to make sure none would be in a position to ask for special treatment should the report cast them in an unfavorable light.

The report did indeed fault the Bizarro Republican Bush Administration on several points, the most damning being that members of the Bizarro Bush Cabinet knew prior to the invasion that most of the intelligence on which they based their decisions was from unreliable sources.

Bizarro President Bush addressed the nation in a special news conference which preempted several popular primetime shows, including the sixth installment of Bizarro Fox’s Joe Millionaire. Bizarro Bush was contrite in his address, admitting that many mistakes were made and accepting personal responsibility for the actions of his Administration. He also confirmed what was already common knowledge throughout most of Bizarro Washington: not only he would be signing an executive order recalling every soldier from Bizarro Iraq, but he would also be stepping down as Bizarro President.

“After coming to the realization that the Bizarro United States entered the war under false pretenses, decided the best strategy would be to immediately leave Bizarro Iraq in an effort to avoid any more loss of life, be it American soldier or innocent Iraqi citizen.” said the Bizarro President. “When the last Bizarro American soldier is once again standing on Bizarro American soil, I will disband my cabinet and resign as Bizarro President. My last official act will be to appoint a special prosecutor to handle the investigation of official misconduct in my Administration. I will, of course, surrender to Federal prison officials to await trial for war crimes.”

Once the Bizarro President’s clear and concise words were translated to the dumbed-down backassward speech pattern in use on Bizarro Earth, reaction was heated. Most Bizarro citizens were confused by the idea of a Bizarro President even admitting mistakes, let alone actually rectifying or accepting responsibility for them.

“Me no understand him,” replied one witness to Bizarro Bush’s speech. “Not only do him use language that not contain doubletalk or mispronunciations, him have ideas of integrity and honest applications of justice that are foreign to Bizarro world. Him clearly product of higher college education where him get in based on merit and not on who him father was.”

Despite the recent scandal, Bizarro George W. Bush has lead exemplary private and public lives. Upon graduating at the top of class in Bizarro Yale, he enlisted for two tours in Bizarro Vietnam. Refusing the special deferments usually afforded to the sons of prominent Bizarro Washington politicians, Bizarro Bush applied for and was accepted into the Bizarro Special Forces. Wounded six times in several ferocious battles, he was awarded a Bizarro Purple Heart for each wound and was honorably discharged. Again proudly abstaining from using his family’s connections, Bush accepted an entry-level position in the Bizarro Harken Energy Corporation, where over the course of several years he worked his way up the corporate ladder to CEO. Under his direct supervision, Bizarro Harken enjoyed record profits while still providing incredible employee benefits including full medical coverage and stock options. His desire for public duty not satisfied, Bizarro Bush sold all of his shares in Bizarro Harken to avoid any future appearances of impropriety, and successfully ran for Governor of Bizarro Texas. Once secured in the Bizarro Governor’s mansion, he was known as a tough but fair politician who, because of his strong belief in the sanctity of life, as well as his acknowledgement that the justice system suffers from serious flaws, ended capital punishment in the state. After eight years, Bizarro Bush ran for President of the Bizarro United States and was elected in a landslide victory after running a campaign that was free of any muckraking, vote tampering or any other dirty trick and widely regarded as the cleanest in history.

This was already a landmark week for the Bizarro Republican Party. Fresh from their voluntary and unanimous removal of Bizarro Tom Delay from his position as Bizarro House Majority Leader after several ethics violations came to light, the Party successful sidestepped a political landmine whereby the Bizarro Christian Conservatives unsuccessfully attempted to get the Bizarro Congress to unilaterally overturn the Bizarro Florida legal system’s order to allow a brain-dead Bizarro Florida housewife to die with dignity. Bizarro Senator Rick Santorum, speaking on behalf of his Bizarro Republican cohorts, gently offered his condolences to the family of Bizarro Terri Schiavo and said that this was a case where there were no winners, but that it was the unalienable purview of the Bizarro Florida legal system to make that decision and not the Bizarro Federal system.