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I have two true stories about Senator Conrad Burns (R-MT), both of which occurred back when he lived in Missouri. I’m close enough to the source that there’s a wedding present from Connie’s parents sitting in my house right now.
The two stories are told to me by a relative who’s in his mid-seventies, who knew Connie from elementary school on (I’m changing his name because these ARE true stories, and I don’t want to get him in trouble). My relative loves to tell stories over and over, but I’ve never caught him embellishing them. I have every reason to vouch for his veracity, and to believe these particular stories are both true. Incidentally, he’s a political independent.
1. (I’m going to relate these stories as close to verbatim as I can remember from yesterday’s retelling, with only my relative’s name changed): “Connie was going on at the coffee shop one morning about how he’d been a Marine in Korea. Now, this was true. The only problem was, he was there starting in 1956, and the war ended in 1953, and he didn’t mention that. Well, he glanced over and saw me, and you could just see the wheels start to turn in his head, ‘Uh-oh, Tom was actually there’. So he says to me, ‘Tom, you were in Korea, too, weren’t you?’ I says, ‘Yes, Connie, I was’. He says, ‘And you were a Marine, too, weren’t you?’ I says, ‘No, Connie, I was in the Navy. I couldn’t pass the Marine physical’. So he says ‘Haw, haw, haw, what was the problem?’ And I says, ‘Well, Connie, they found out my parents were married!’ You should have seen the look in his eyes. He woulda killed me if he coulda right then!”
2. (A much shorter story): “Now, I’ve got proof Connie’s not a stupid man. At the farm once, I saw him piss on an electric fence. And you know what? To his credit—he never did it again!”
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