Please critique my LTTE

[juslikagrzly]

Editor, Tulsa World
October 10, 2004

I am angry and disgusted by the direction the current administration has taken in attempting to lead our country. We find ourselves in a “war” on a noun and mired in a quagmire of violence in a country that did not ask to be occupied by a foreign power, evil dictator or not. The very fabric of our country is unraveling. Religious ideologies are being crammed down our throats, disguised as political policy. The founders of our great nation must be rolling in their graves. The constitution was written to avoid the tyranny of those in power, to give the people the loudest voice in how to govern. The people, under George W. Bush, have been silenced by the mind-numbing sound bites of television, by fear and by the media monopolies who toe this administration’s party line.

As a liberal democrat, I believe that we have a responsibility to our fellow humans both in our own country as well as around the globe. We have a responsibility to care for those less fortunate, to stand up to those who seek to repress us, and to be great and good stewards of the finite resources of our planet.

We are currently doing none of these things.

We are living with an administration that thinks nothing of lying in order to further their policies, who treats the world as it’s very own plaything, who stands as the only superpower in the world and acts like the neighborhood bully.

We find ourselves at an incredible crossroads…do we change course and attempt to win back the respect of the world, or do we stay the course, going it alone, forcing our culture and beliefs on the peoples of other nations?

John Kerry appears to be a good and decent man, one with the intellect and humility to consider all sides of the issues, one who will take seriously the responsibility of leading our great country. But will it ultimately help our nation to elect a new president who will inherit the absolute mess the Bush administration has created? Can one person reverse the politics of hate and repression? Can one person reestablish the good will the world felt toward America after Sept. 11, 2001? Can one person expect to unite a country deeply divided over issues of morality? I’m afraid not. I will ultimately vote for John Kerry because I believe he is a man of integrity and intelligence and because I believe that our country will descend further into the hell created by this administration should George W. Bush remain in office. It is however, tempting to give Bush another term in which he can be held accountable for the havoc he has created. Another term where he can show the world and the American people the real “man” behind his mask of “compassionate conservatism”. Four more years….to convince the American people that lying, corporate fascism, Machiavellian politics, government secrecy, and the erosion of our basic liberties are NOT in our best interests. If it weren’t so horrifying to contemplate the ultimate destruction of our country, I might just give in to this temptation and follow the Tulsa World's endorsement of George W. Bush.

[juslikagrzly]

1. shameless kick for feedback, PLEASE

[PittLib]

2. Very very well done.

The only thing I might change is "As a liberal democrat..." because it might turn people off without giving you a fair shot. Don't label yourself ... let the reader make up their mind.

[juslikagrzly]

3. Good point

but, I'm also sick of that label being demonized. Thanks for the feedback!

[PittLib]

11. Aren't we all?...

I guess depends on your priority - do you want to get your point across to as many people as possible, or do you want to chalk one up for your team? I just know that if I read an LTTE beginning with "As a conservative republican ...", it would irreparably color my processing of the info if I would even bother to continue. That is not to say that I'm narrow, but some days I just don't have the patience. The only time I would identify myself is if I were to express an opinion contrary to the assumption of my label. I just feel that it's about picking battles. I'm arguing a minor point - take it with a grain.

[NewJeffCT]

4. great letter, but too long

You make a lot of great points, but take a look at the LTTE's from the paper for the past week or two and see how long they are compared to yours - and remember, the columns in your typical newspaper are a lot thinner than the ones in a Word document.

[juslikagrzly]

6. You're right.

I just looked and most are between 200-300 words. I'll cut it down.

[skygazer]

5. Good letter but long

LTTE's reach the most people when they are short and succinct. You could tighten it up quite a lot. I would leave out the bit about giving him another term to clean up - it makes some good points as to what he's done but unnecessarily confuses the issue.

I'd ease up on the metaphors and make it more simple and direct. In that way, people who might not read a long and complex letter will read it.

[Jeebo]

7. I like it, but...

...the possessive pronoun "its" does NOT have an apostrophe in it. None of the possessive pronouns do -- its, theirs, ours, his, hers, yours ... Also, I'm wondering which noun you mean when you say, "We find ourselves in a 'war' on a noun..." Oh, and I notice you're in a solid red state that will go for Bush in any event. Why not send your letter to some big-city newspapers in battleground states where it might make a difference? New Mexico, Colorado, Missouri and Arkansas are states that border yours that could conceivably go either way.

Ron

[kaitykaity]

8. Just this and they'll give it a look.

This is the core of your argument. It's about the right length and it's good stuff. End it with something like "we can't afford four more years of George's lies and George's wars."

>>>>>>>>

We are living with an administration that thinks nothing of lying in order to further their policies, who treats the world as it’s very own plaything, who stands as the only superpower in the world and acts like the neighborhood bully.

We find ourselves at an incredible crossroads…do we change course and attempt to win back the respect of the world, or do we stay the course, going it alone, forcing our culture and beliefs on the peoples of other nations?

John Kerry appears to be a good and decent man, one with the intellect and humility to consider all sides of the issues, one who will take seriously the responsibility of leading our great country.

[Czolgosz]

9. If you really want feedback, you should be aware that nearly

all papers have word limits on LTTEs. Often the limit is 200 or 250 words. In case it may help, I cut you LTTE to the 213 words I found most persuasive. You should -- of course -- ignore this suggestion if it is not the type of feedback you are seeking. Normally, I wouldn't presume to question anyone's expression of his or her views, buut since you asked, he is a suggestion:

I am angry by the direction the current administration has taken in attempting to lead our country. We find ourselves in a “war” on a noun and mired in a quagmire of violence in a country that did not ask to be occupied by a foreign power. The very fabric of our country is unraveling. The founders of our great nation must be rolling in their graves. The constitution was written to avoid the tyranny of those in power, to give the people the loudest voice in how to govern. The people, under Bush, have been silenced by the mind-numbing sound bites of television, by fear and by the media monopolies who toe this administration’s party line.

We are living with an administration that thinks nothing of lying in order to further their policies, who treats the world as it’s very own plaything, who stands as the only superpower in the world and acts like the neighborhood bully.

We find ourselves at an incredible crossroads…do we change course and attempt to win back the respect of the world, or do we stay the course, going it alone, forcing our culture and beliefs on the peoples of other nations?

John Kerry is a good and decent man with the intellect and humility to consider all sides of the issues, one who will take seriously the responsibility of leading our great country.

[juslikagrzly]

10. Thanks all

for the great feedback. I've edited it down to about 300 words, taken out most of the hyperbole, fixed the typos (it's), etc. I do want to send it to the Tulsa World in protest of their endorsement, repug state or not, but may consider sending it to some others.

Appreciate it DUers.

[yewberry]

12. My thoughts (mostly grammar stuff)

¶1--I might replace "noun" with "tactic" (just for clarity) and wouldn't use "mire" and "quagmire" in the same sentence. Spelling is ususally "unravelling." Delete or rewite sentence "Our founding fathers..." Capitalize "Constitution." Alter sentence structure at least one more time in this ¶.

¶2--I'm not sure about "repress" here. Is "oppress" stronger, or too strong?

¶4--agreement problem should be "in order to further its policies." Possessive form should read "as its (no apostrophe) plaything..."

¶5--I would change "do we change course" (kind of weak-sounding) to something like, "shall we attempt a new course" or "do we forge ahead in a new, better direction..."

¶6--Delete sentence 2, alter following points slightly to be more positive and shorter. Period goes inside quotation marks on "compassionate conservatism."

So, outside the grammar stuff...Your strong emotions come through, and I think that's a good thing. I'd make this a bit more positive and a bit shorter and send it off!