Lunabush's Bad Joke Friday - In the Gungeon!!!

[Wickerman]

Come on down and join the bad joke fest here in the Gungeon.

Kind of a Friday tradition, we post bad jokes that have some sort of relationship to Justice and or Public Safety. In other words, as in the forum general, we post jokes about guns.

That is the main rule (outside fo the usual DU rules), it should contain some semblence of J/PS - you might offer an explanation of how it connects. The other rule is that you should laugh at my joke - I always post that as a qualifier - it never works, but I keep trying.

Ok, without further ado, here goes my bad joke Friday contribution (as a bonus its a WHOLE list!!):

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why did n't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

ok, its true, I was hard up for a joke this week - so, lets see, 5, 8, and 9 have remote connections to J/PS.

[RobertSeattle]

1. Silly Bush Joke I heard recently

Rove to Bush: "Sir, everyone in the crowd at this next campaign stop has been vetted"

Bush to Rove: "We gave everyone a Corvette?"

[MikeG]

2. So I go see my doctor.

He tells me I got good news and bad news.

First the bad news: You got 30 days to live.

I ask - what's the good news.

He says: You see my gorgeous receptionist - I'm nailing her.

Pa dum dum.

[MrBenchley]

5. Guy goes to see the doctor

Doctor tells him "I got bad news...you got scabies, rabies, leprosy, shingles and alopecia. I'm going to put you on a strict diet of flounder and pancakes."

The guy says "Flounder and pancakes! Will that make me well?"

And the doctor says, "No, but I'll be able to slide it under the door without looking at you."

[RoeBear]

8. Doctor tells her patient...

..."you've got 10 to live".

patient: "ten what? Years, months what?

Doctor: nine, eight, seven, six...

[MrBenchley]

3. What if there were no rhetorical questions?

Well, I liked them...

The KGB was looking for dedicated assassins during the Cold War and so they got three recruits. They gave them each a gun filled with blanks and said "Go into the next room and kill the person you find sitting there," as a test of dedication.

The first one comes out, and says "I am sorry, comrade, I have failed the Party. That was my beloved wife in the room and I could not shoot her."

The second one comes out and says, "I am sorry, comrade, I have failed Mother Russia. That was my beloved sister in the room and I could not pull the trigger."

The third one goes into the next room and the KGB hears "bang bang bang bang!" and then a tremendous ruckus. Finally the third guy comes out, and says "I am sorry, comrade, I have failed the Glorious People's Republic. I'm a lousy shot, and my mother-in-law hit me in the head with the chair."

[MrBenchley]

4. From the Onion this week...

http://www.onion.com/infograph/index.php?issue=4034

Features of the Republican convention: #3 is a trick shootin' showcase by John Ashcroft.

[Remmah]

6. I have a light in my freezer!

HA!

[skippythwndrdog]

7. A guy goes into a psychiatrist's office

with a duck on his head.

The pshrink says, "Can I help you?"

The duck says, "Sure! Can you get this guyt off my ass?"

[FrontPorchPhilosophr]

9. Texas Bra....

Been busy for a while....

----- News from Texas

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.


:hippie:

[FrontPorchPhilosophr]

10. Older People's Exercise Regimen....

This is for older people. Younger people try it at their own risk. This is working well for me.

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this Three days a week. Begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can-try to reach a full minute. Relax.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in the bags.

:hippie:

[FrontPorchPhilosophr]

11. Lawyer Jokes....

> 1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
>
> 2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
> She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
>
> 3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
>
> 4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only One. The rest are true
> stories.
>
> 5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
>
> 6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder
> company.
>
> 7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
>
> 8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
>
> 9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
>
> 10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
>
> 11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 ? Your honor.
>
> 12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
>
> 13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality .
>
> 14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There
> are some things a pig won't do.
>
> 15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?The lawyer
> gets frequent flyer miles.
>
> 16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
> Removable wing tips.
>
> 17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.


:hippie: