Lunabush's Dumbass Friday Joke of the Day - in the Gungeon

[Wickerman]

Ok, you know the rules - laugh at the joke, leave your own. The only requirement is that it MUST pertain to Justice and Public Safety. It may NOT contain any mention of Lawn Darts, Jarts or Yard Missiles.

Here is mine:

On a tour of the WhiteHouse I stepped into the restroom at the guest bathroom and found this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers...

"Please push button and listen for a short message from the Vice President."

Gungeon Relevance - Public Safety
What "dangers of disease" do hot-air hand dryers prevent?

[MrBenchley]

1. LOL!

Jeri Ryan walks into a sporting goods store and asks the first salesman that she sees to help her shop for a rifle.

“Well,” the salesman says, “what is it exactly that you are in the market for?”

“Actually,” the woman replies, “it’s for my husband.”

“O.K., then what kind of rifle and caliber does your husband want?”

She answers, “Who cares what he wants? He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”

[PopeyeII]

2. To hell with the rules.

Small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big tits".

[iverglas]

3. and the obligatory canadian reference

But first, hahaha. I don't get it.


http://www.cbc.ca/insite/AS_IT_HAPPENS_TORONTO/1998/10/21.html

"As It Happens" is kind of like "All Things Considered", except more annoying.

Researchers in the U-K have just completed a 5-yr study on the different methods of drying hands. They found that the hot-air dryers leave you with far more bacteria on your hands than cotton or paper towels. Keith Redway was one of the scientists on the study. He's in Hemel Hempstead, Eng. NEWS BREAK

Unfortunately, what seems to have once been a link to listen to the piece now isn't.

Oh, I thought you said "What 'dangers of disease' do hot-air hand dryers preSent?" Never mind.

Fortunately, hockey season is over, or I'd have had to do the obligatory hockey joke shtick too. What the hell.

Q. How was hockey introduced into Montreal?
A. Some Newfies were playing hockey on the Gulf of St. Lawrence and one of them got a breakaway.

hahaha. What's a Newfie?

Okay. Here we go.

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

HAHAHA. I got that one.

[MrBenchley]

4. LOL!

Guy goes in to gun shop to buy a scope for his rifle. The sales clerk says "This scope is so powerful, you can see my house from here."

He hands the scope to the guy who looks through it and says, "Hey, there's a naked guy and a naked woman running around the backyard."

"My best friend and my wife!" cries the clerk. "I'll give you the scope for free if you take your rifle and shoot her in her head and him in his pecker with these two bullets."

The guy looks through the scope again and says, "I'll only need one."

[DoverFrank]

5. Ohh iverglas, now that was not nice

funny but not nice :)


Here's one for you }(



An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."

[iverglas]

6. mediocre minds

... consult the same websites. Ain't google handy?

Of course, my pick followed the rules.

:P

[iverglas]

8. I could go on and on ...

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses.

The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.

The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.

The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!" The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?" The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."


What is a Canadian?"
"An American with health care and no gun."


Now, the relationship of this one to the premises where we are will be apparent to anyone who read a certain post directed to moi earlier today:

Years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush and he asked him: "Why the hell did you take Dan Quayle as vice-president?" George says: "He passed the intelligence test." What was that test? "I asked him: If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?" And Dan answered:" It's me" So I hired him.

"Good idea," says Brian; "I'll try that on my finance minister." So he asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says: "Well, can I give you an answer in a day or two?" "No prob."

Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest <another Tory Cabinet minister, now the Liberal Premier of Quebec; don't ask> the same question. Jean aswers: "It's me, of course".

Happy Joe goes back to Brian and says: "I've got the answer to your question: if my mother has a baby who is neither my brother or my sister, it's Jean Charest".

Shaking his head, Brian says: "You're such a dork; it's Dan Quayle, you idiot."


Ah, we canuckistanis do just love to laugh at ourselves!

[LibLabUK]

9. Hehehe

We have a similar joke here but featuring Australians and South Africans... and they both die.

[Wickerman]

13. Newfie = Newfoundlander, and no, even if they are hockey players

their IQs are higher than the dog, the New Foundlander.

[PopeyeII]

7. Doctors

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by
physicians/year =120,000. Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun
deaths/year = 1500 Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun
owners!

[LibLabUK]

10. Bzzzt...

I'm gonna have to throw a bullshit flag on that play...

[iverglas]

11. aw

And here I thought it was self-deprecating gun-nut humour!

[Wickerman]

12. Every few weeks a new one is born - One day they will learn

that using bad stat in the Gungeon, even as a joke, singles you for humiliation. In that spirit, PopeyeII, I present you with:

[RoadRunner]

14. "Friday" joke thread - does not compute.

It's supposed to be "Tuesday" joke thread. Traditions can't just be changed on a whim. We can't change Christmas to February because it's more convenient, now can we? And whoever heard of July the 4th on, well, September the 4th?

(but, I do like the revolving dart thingies!)

[Wickerman]

15. I'm afraid I slept through Tuesday

so I went with Friday. Sorry to throw a spanner into the works! :P

[DoverFrank]

16. Ok, late for the friday edition... early for tuesday though

Shot To The Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.