Jesus, being a simple Jewsish carpenter, is a huge fan of frugility and simple effective solutions. This is why He carried a .38 snub nose revolver up His sleeve. Simple, subtle, effective... truely the traits of a master carpenter. Just as well, Jesus disdains most automatics and, as an environmentalist, does not care to litter His kingdom with spent brass.
This information is from a wise man I once had a discussion with. The subject of Jesus carrying a ".50 cal" arose...
...You are partially correct in your assertion regarding Desert Eagles, however, the real story is that at some point Jesus made the transition from .38 snubby to a Colt Python in .357 magnum. Jesus made an exception for automatics on the .357 magnum because his love of the round over-shadowed his disdain for automatics. Therefore, the Desert Eagle was commissioned so that Jesus could have an auto chambered in .357 magnum. However, the Desert Eagle didn't come to product until after Jesus had left. So while you are partially correct about Jesus' preference for the .357 magnum, you are incorrect that he carried it. Jesus carried a .38 snubby.
Jesus would love a Desert Eagle - I'm even thinking one of those custom, gaudy tiger-striped - but a Desert Eagle doesn't suppress so well. Yes, .50 AE is a 'wraith-of-God' round, but I'm more certain that while dramatic mayhem comes from booming .50s, it's probably at least equally true that when it comes to subtlety, Jesus is the ultimate Ninja. Whether his silenced .22 is a Buckmark or a Ruger is a point of bitter contention between Baptists and Catholics.
As well, Jesus appreciates the efficiency of the .223/5.56, yet IF Jesus is an AR guy (and I'm not sold on this), its probably chambered in a .50 Beowulf. Jewish frugality is exactly why "Ol' Hay Zeus" would most certainly use an Alexander Arms .50 Beowulf. This 400 grain stick-of-dynamite penetrated over three feet (mushrooming all the way) on a head-shot while buffalo hunting. Yes, the dollar-a-round gets old, but the in-and-out shooting of four people simultaneously appeals to Christ. His Jewish sentiment is, "Yes, the round costs a whole dollar, but in a way its like shoot-one-get-three-free" - and he doesn't even have to clip coupons to get these savings! Jesus does not fuck around. Jesus also doesn't carry an M82A1 because he likes to be in-your-face when he distributes retribution. So... does he use a .50 BMG Mardi-Gras? Ridiculous! It is blasphemy to even suggest this!
When Jesus comes back, he is going to side-arm a Desert Eagle - I've no doubt of that - but his primary source of destruction will be a sawed-off 12 gauge (he will not pay the $200 NFA tax either) with a nice walnut stock. Jesus appreciates a synthetic, but wood is his style. The only exception is the SMG on his back, or in his other hand. In which case it might be an UZI, but it won't be a micro, and it won't be chambered in a 9mm (Jesus hates the metric system). Possibly a P90 (metric is forgivable), possibly an Ingram in .380. Jesus has never really cared for the .380's performance, but its such a dandy round, and not metric either! Last, but most certainly not least, up his billowing sleeve Jesus will have his trademarked .38 snubby.
also touched upon in the debate was the possibily that jesus might have carried a 1911 .45acp on his hip versus the desert eagle...
and therin we hypothesized the origin of The Flood. Groudbreaking theological discussion, I tell you!
Divine intervention (be it Jesus's, the Father's, or the Holy Spirit's) led Moses to design an ageless and ergonomically perfect autoloader for dishing out retribution. Irregardless of the source of divine intervention... somebody upstairs obviously favors large caliber auto's chambered in non-metric cartridges (as previously alluded to) that originally had a seven round magazine capacity (seven often being viewed as a "holy" number). If this case were to be true, it's very possible Jesus might be holstering a 1911.
OR...
Moses took it upon himself to design, in his opinion, a superior sidearm in the 1911. Knowing that Jesus is both a perfect shot and carried a .38 snubbie, Moses chose a non-metric caliber larger than .38 with more capacity and coined the term "stopping power" - believing mortals needed an edge in both terminal ballistics and magazine capacity due to having inferior shooting skills versus Jesus. Ultimately, feeling as if Moses were attempting to one-up him.... Jesus flodded the earth for 40 days and 40 nights, ruining Moses's unbeknownst insurrection of choice in sidearms. As further punishment the Lord confiscated Moses's design for more than 2 millenia, returning it to John Moses Browning (Jesus always liked the name Moses) in the year 1911.
If this were the case, then it makes sense as to why the pistol Moses designed was called the 1911 and why the Desert Eagle is chanbered in a .50AE also holding 7 rounds --> Jesus wanted to carry an autoloader of non-metric units that is larger than Moses's .45 (Jesus is establishing himself as not to be one-upped).
Ultimately, the only certain conclusions we came to were:
Jesus would be carrying a sawed off shotgun, a desert eagle chambered in .357 or .50, and (of course) a .38 snubbie up his sleeve on Judgement Day.
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