Field Guide to the Media.

[necso]

Chapter 1, Part 1. The TV "News" Media.

There is a colorful assortment of creatures in this genus, although their behavior is sadly lacking in variety sufficient to greatly amuse the observer. As for "news", well there is little of that -- but still, there is some little "entertainment" to be had!

For the serious student, of particular interest is that these creatures intermingle quite freely and species boundaries appear to be quite fluid. Indeed, the genus boundaries are themselves quite vague, but identifying the included species is a helpful starting point.

In any case, the following classification scheme may prove a useful guide to those venturing into the TV "wilds":

1) "Personalities".

Creatures of this species simply have no idea what they are talking about. -- No idea, none whatsoever.

"Personalities", found in their natural habitat, are merely repeating "words" and making "asides". They believe that titillation is news and that spin is context. They have absolutely no clue as to what the actual truth might be and they wouldn't recognize it -- if it was a rabid squirrel in their pants.

"Personalities" are simply incapable of recognizing that they have become a propaganda machine. And if by some strange chance, a few of the less feeble ones do figure this out, then they will just go along anyway. -- After all, Fifi needs her pet therapist. -- So just keep smiling and looking pretty, people!

To identify the "Personality", one should look for the absence of common knowledge, for the presence of common stupidity, or for obvious errors in their speech. "Pretty", "pert", "good speaking voices", "good personalities" and "well dressed" are all characteristics of this species.

However, all of these characteristics are to be found widely throughout the entire genus. And it is only when there is nothing more to be found, that a reasonably firm identification can be made.

This is a most useful preliminary assignment, however.

Oh, and perhaps, "Personalities" should realize that what they are really doing is called "marketing"... And that there are other words for it.

2) "Assholes".

These are creatures whose profession is that of "asshole". Assholes usually succeed in displaying their distinctive behavior -- but they also usually succeed in burying anything useful under much shit.

"Assholes" are normally easily identified as they generally act openly that way, and generally at all times. But for adequate identification, one viewing should suffice.

3) "Pompous Asses".

These are essentially "Personalities" who add pomposity and maybe a touch of the asshole to their "repertoires". What is distinctive about this species is that their own asses block their view of things. (Or, perhaps, to split hairs, (the) fact (that they are asses) blocks their view.)

As a varietal of "Personality", the "Pompous Ass" is identified by the obvious self-importance attached to the creature's antics and, perhaps, by the addition of noticeable "Asshole" behavior.

4) "Sellouts".

This species includes glitterati (of varying degrees), hacks and "agents", who wish to continue doing well and will do whatever this takes. (This is our overlords' favorite class, by the way.)

"Sellouts" are a most difficult species to distinguish, however, as they will do their best to appear like some other one (species). The occassional slip that lets the truth out is some small indication. But this species requires careful study and is not recommended to the novice observer.

5) "Pretend Whatevers".

This is another difficult species to sort out. The key differentiating factor here is that while these creatures go through all the appropriate motions -- they do not seem to acheive the expected results, or generally, any results whatsoever -- except for the moving of lips and the making of sounds.

It is of particular difficulty to differentiate between this species and the "Sellouts".

6) "Pundits".

These are creatures who have been labeled pundit by some idiot at one time. "Pundits" are those so labeled (at one time), who then became determined to cash in on this (label).

"Pundits" generally know about as much as the "Personalities" and often emulate the "Assholes" or the "Pompous Asses". And if, perchance, these people happen to actually know anything, (which is unlikely), then they aren't going to give it away for free anyway.

Whenever you see an excited creature -- speaking like it knows something -- which it transparently doesn't -- it might be a "Pundit". If this creature is pushing some book or other garbage, this amounts to a fairly good identification. However, the quite typical "Asshole" behavior greatly complicates firm identification and some creatures span these two species (nb, or more) -- an unusual thing in nature.

But such distinctions are for the expert.

7) "Trying".

Most of these creatures have simply forgotten how to do whatever it is that they do, and of those that haven't, most feel obligated to mix in a great deal of the standard propaganda.

While it is extremely difficult to sort out the "Trying" from all the rest, if, in the course of a single viewing, you hear more than one thing that might be remotely useful, this is a useful first step. But any unusual behavior, like actually trying to report something, is a good indicator of this species... And I suppose that we should understand and overlook any "rust" about their working parts..

...

Now the field observer is strongly cautioned that all sorts of creatures that are not truly of this genus will parade on and off (of) the field of view during observation. The observer should postpone any identification of these creatures until it becomes clear that they are indeed resident here.

Happy birding!

[PROGRESSIVE1]

1. kick