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Paraprosdokian sentences --- A figure of speech that uses an
unexpected ending to a series or phrase.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
Going to your house of worship doesn't make you a religious person,
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by
a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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