What do you do with people who are 'never wrong' and don't apologize?

[KurtNYC]

I have had a variety of these in my life over the years:

The moocher surfer guy who would borrow and break your stuff. Apology? "don't be a dick"
The neighbor who parks a truck in your flower bed. Apology? "your rose bush will live"
The raging drunk who ruined your party. The roommate who "can't make rent for a while."

You probably know the type: can't handle even a hint of criticism, "innocent" and self-obsessed.

What do YOU do with these types?

[cbdo2007]

1. Just try to avoid them and protect yourself from their intrusions as much as you can.

[LynneSin]

2. Walk away. If they mature they'll find you again else you're better off without them.

nuff said

[KurtNYC]

5. I guess I should have added that these are people you can't avoid

altogether: roommates, neighbors, in laws.

I'm good with avoiding people but these are people that you HAVE TO deal with because they surprise you with something they did that is rude or stupid or both.

[kimi]

3. Yep, walk away

They hardly ever learn, and arguing with em is a waste of time and energy. I've dealt with one just recently - all innocent "Oh, what did I ever do to you, that you're so angry with me??" Bah - screw em. Be classy and walk away. They're not worth it.

[raccoon]

4. "That's it, I quit. I'm moving on." (In the words of Sam Cooke.) nt

[NewJeffCT]

6. sounds like my ex-wife

Only one time over the 4 years of knowing her did she admit to being wrong and apologize to me for being wrong. (Forgot what it was about - just remember it happening once)

And, sometimes she could take minor criticisms, but other times she would blow up. And, she had a hair-trigger temper (i.e., she was rather short - just shy of 5'0", though she believed she was 5'1" - and could occasionally take a small joke about her height. However, if you went to the well too often... BOOM)

And, in my case, we got divorced. However, it was mostly like walking a tightrope a lot of the time in fear of her temper before that. Well, it wasn't always like that - before we got married, the blow-ups were usually quickly resolved by me apologizing for being wrong (half the time not knowing what I did wrong, either) and then making it up to her somehow. And, in the waning months, I just basically ignored her temper and did what I wanted...

[KurtNYC]

23. had someone similar -- I called it "the emotional mine field"

one wrong step and boom.

[NewJeffCT]

27. good point

it was an emotional mine field.

[Odin2005]

44. Sounds like borderline personality disorder.

[ohnoyoudidnt]

7. They need to grow up.

I try to stay away from people like that.

[undeterred]

8. My most recent manager was like that, but even worse

because she would say I'm sorry for incredibly trivial things that required absolutely no apology. But when she really screwed you over she would act like - well I'm really important and you're shit, so I don't have to apologize.

[RedCloud]

9. I take their picture on a cliff when it's really windy.

[Mopar151]

10. Sadly, I usually end up waiting until they fire me.

'Cuz my head gets worn out from beating it against the wall, trying to do my job.

[Iggo]

11. Fist of all: Screw apologies.

Apologies are for children, so they can learn how to act among civilized people.

Few things piss me off more than a grown-up serial apologizer.

(Me, to them: Don't be sorry. Just don't fucking do that anymore.)

If they haven't figured it out by the time they're adults, they're not worth my time.

[KurtNYC]

24. I think I agree -- don't really need to hear "I'm sorry" -- better to

hear anything from them that let's me know they will make an effort not to do it again.

[Richardo]

12. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

13. They ARE a "type," and as such, you will not change them

I know several people who don't apologize, ever, for anything...PERIOD.

One of the single toughest things I've had to do in life...and I have to constantly reinforce this in my attitude, because you can;t just dial it in once and be done with it...

...is that if I can diminish (or eliminate altogether) my expectations of how others "should" behave, I'm a much happier person in the long run.

In the early 1990s I took a 12-week sales & management training class in the company I worked for at the time. The trainer was an advocate of Dr. Robert Anthony, and recommended two of his books which I've read, highlighted, and re-read many times over the two decades that followed:

Beyond Positive Thinking: A No-Nonsense Formula for Getting the Results You Want (http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Positive-Thinking-No-Nonsense-Formula/dp/0975857096/)

The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence (Revised) (http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Secrets-Total-Self-Confidence-Revised/dp/042522189X/)

One of the many liberating principles Anthony shares is that everyone is operating from their own present level of awareness, which means...in a nutshell...that in almost every situation, they are thinking of themselves and their own self-interests and not thinking of you at all.

Initially, that's a tough pill to swallow, but eventually, you come to realize that no amount of "wishing" will make it so, no amount of "they should do this, they should have done that" will change the picture.

You then remove those people from your life, or if you decide that you won't / can't, you accept that behavior as an integral part of who they are and devote 100% of your effort and energy to taking care of your own business and the things that really matter.

I've found that the people who don't care really don't care. It's not that they do care, and we have simply failed to awaken their caring...they DO NOT CARE.

So you shouldn't either.

Like I said, I have to learn and re-learn this stuff constantly.

:toast:

[Richardo]

15. Excellent post.

:thumbsup:

[KurtNYC]

25. I will have to take a look at those, sounds interesting

And I agree -- any strategy that relies on the other person changing is doomed. In my experience people are who they are and it's best to accept that.

But since they think about their self-interest exclusively it IS possible to get different behaviors out of them, or at least stop them from messing with you. My downstairs neighbor was a store who had their stereo on a timer and the speakers right below my bedroom. 8 hours a day the pictures on the wall were rattling to "Girl from Ipanema" and "The Look of Love". Asked them to turn it down. No (not in their self interest). Then we moved to a different strategy. We got a sub-woofer and every time they turned their stereo on above a certain volume we turned our sub-woofer on pretty much all the way up. It took 3 weeks and we figured out what annoyed them (back) the most -- Enya. They keep their stereo off now, and I will take THAT over a forced apology any day.

Certainly open to learning more about what works. Thanks for the book recs.

[Odin2005]

45. I think anything that goes on the assumption that everyone is self-centered is BS.

That notion is an outgrowth of capitalist society, not "human nature".

[HopeHoops]

14. NOOGIES!!!!

[HERVEPA]

16. I divorced her.

[BarenakedLady]

19. Divorced him.

[lightningandsnow]

17. Put them on ignore.

Sadly, there's no foolproof ignore button in real life.

[raccoon]

18. I wonder if apologizing is, to some people, a sign of weakness.

IME, management NEVER apologizes for anything.

Maybe they think, if they apologize, that will mean they made a mistake, and they don't make mistakes.

[KurtNYC]

26. I think I have seen at least 2 types of non-apologizer

the first type actually thinks they did apologize even though all they did was give their reasons and circumstance that lead to doing what they did.

And the second is a group which has included very goodlooking people, only-childs (and a few first borns) and some others who grew up with helicopter parents who always took their side. These people are so used to having their butts kissed and being defended that they really think they are always right.

[NewJeffCT]

28. Frank Luntz' polling showed that Bush not apologizing

would play big with the Fundies... so, he never apologized.

[undeterred]

29. I once had a manager who apologized quite regularly.

He would take responsibility for whatever happened- he would say things like, I should have provided better training for you. And he sounded like he really meant it. He wasn't sappy or phony. And everybody loved him and respected him. On top of that he was truly a lot of fun and the smartest person I ever worked for.

[geardaddy]

20. hit them with a rolled-up newspaper

and say, "bad human"

[Deep13]

21. Call her on mother's day and Christmas and otherwise keep my distance. nt

[tabbycat31]

22. run them for governor of New Jersey

We got one in there now that I'd love to get rid of.

[Swede]

30. Republicans.

:shrug:

[Curmudgeoness]

31. I kick their asses.

But that is just me. :evilgrin:

[BlueIris]

32. You mean sociopaths? Leave them in the road.

Or the street outside the apartment, if necessary.

[UTUSN]

33. I never forget and never forgive. For most of my life I let some

people walk over me multiple times. I got to a place where if a new person does it once, I put them on notice and if they do it again, they're out of my life. This has worked better for me at this late date than anything below.

The examples in the o.p. are a little tame because they are from rude semi-strangers. In jobs I saw and experienced some heavy duty backstabbing, even down to economic life or death situations. There was this meek and mild Jesus Freak pal who would say, "You've got to FORGIVE, (name)!1" Uh, NO.

I detest "Dr" Laura, but she pushed this, that for real forgiveness there had to be acknowledgement of having done harm by the doer, expression of regret and repentance, and their ASKING for forgiveness. I think this is from traditional religious teaching, not just from her. Even if all those conditions are met, there was still an option NOT to forgive. I can't think of a time when a real harm-doer to me has ever done any of that.

Just yesterday, the neighbor's ruffian, almost Dickensian scoundrel yardmen parked in front of my house, after I know that the neighbor told them not to a couple of months ago, and they gave mocking looks back to my front of the house, as if daring me to go out there and make a scene. It's a public street, I know the law. Yes, they can park there, yes I can ASK anybody not to, but it's just a matter of respect. Why don't they park at the other neighbors'? Why mine? But the main thing here was their mocking SCORN.

[Mopar151]

35. Don't rise to the bait!

They may wish to draw you out, so one of their henchmen can take a quick pass through your place for cash, pills, and jewelry. Sad to think this way, I know - but it is SOP for some of the Travelers, Gypsies, and their ilk.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

34. Divorced the barsted. Simple but not quick.

Giant egoes, vortices of negative suckage.

[Darth_Kitten]

36. I don't know, nobody has ever apologized to me for anything.

Really.

Made my life a misery and then went on with their lives. check.

Blamed me for something I didn't do. check.

Said awful things about me. check.

made me a scapegoat for their own problems. check.

[elleng]

37. Try to divorce them.

:shrug:

[cherish44]

38. Don't demand or even expect apologies from anyone

First about demanded apologies, they're most likely not sincere so why bother? Getting all worked out because you think someone should apologize to you is a waste of your energy that could be spent on happier pursuits. If they don't apologize, let it go, but be wary in the future if you're ever in a similar circumstance. Accept a SINCERE apology graciously, and move forward (don't hold grudges!)... As for consistently rude, inconsiderate people....try to cut the out of your life as much as possible or at the very least ignore them and stop getting stressed out over them, THEY have a problem, you're too busy being awesome deal with their negativity! :)

[provis99]

39. they are psychopaths.

You can't deal with a psychopath, you can just avoid them.

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

40. Laugh at them

and tell them to get the fuck out of my life.

[Bucky]

41. I suggest they sign up for DU so they can see what the world would be like if everyone was like that

[midnight armadillo]

42. Why, promote them to manager, of course!

I swear that page one of the secret management training manual states: "never ever apologize".

[brettdale]

43. if all possible

have as little as to do with them as you can. They will never change.

[leeroysphitz]

46. I'd go and punch each of them in the back of the head.

It's the only way to be sure.