Was your dad sensitive or hard-boiled?

[m-jean03]

I'm amazed when I meet these sensitive, soft eyed intellectual fathers. My dad, though I love him, was/is such a hard-ass, typical macho guy, his seemingly favorite emotion anger.

What was your dad like? How do you think it affected you, and if you are a woman or gay male, your ultimate preferences in types of men?

[Bertha Venation]

1. my dad is an asshole

He is neither sensitive nor hard boiled; he is a spineless, guilt-ridden freak.

Edit: Let me elaborate:

Nah.

[m-jean03]

2. Jeez

I'm sorry.. That's got to be hard.:-(

[Bertha Venation]

11. no apology necessary

it's totally okay. You haven't opened a wound.

[m-jean03]

18. Meant to offer

my condolences. :) My dad has had his "asshole" moments -- and I can't imagine what it would be like if he was like that all the time. Well, I can, and it would be awful.

[Bertha Venation]

19. thanks

:hi:

(I would really, really love to go on and on and on about my sperm donor, but I won't subject this community to it.)

[LiberalManiacfromOC]

5. wow! mine too!

[Bertha Venation]

13. hmm. . . . are you my sister?

(My sisters are in Fountain Valley & Huntington Beach ;))

[LiberalManiacfromOC]

35. sorry, but i live in Laguna Niguel

and hold on..... yes, I have a penis. sorry, i can't be your sister.

[Bertha Venation]

72. I know . . .

It was really a joke. My sisters don't "do" message boards. :)

[democratreformed]

47. This would be my dad as well.

Total male chauvanistic macho king of the hill JERK. I am at this moment once again furious at him and my weakness that allows him to hurt my feelings. Why should a 60 year old man take a disagreement with me out on his 9 year-old grandson? JERK! ASSHOLE!

[Bertha Venation]

60. Damn. I'm sorry.

Why would he do this? No good reason. I'm really sorry.

[democratreformed]

75. It's a long story

Thanks for your sympathy.

[Bill of Rights]

63. My dad is a neo-con asshole

And I am gay, too, Bertha.

[Bertha Venation]

71. Well, hello there!

:bounce:
Are you out to him? If you feel like answering, when did you come out, and what was the result?

[VelmaD]

3. A little of both...

but mostly he was just a decent human being. He could be hard-boiled when necessary - and given how often my brother and I were in trouble it was necessary. :) But he could also be incredibly sweet. I've never had a problem too small that my daddy wouldn't wrap me up in a big hug and try to make it better.

I'm still looking for someone who is as good a guy as my dad.

[Fovea]

4. My step father

is a cold, unimaginative, unemotional creature who did everything he could to sabotage my life.

I have spent most of my life trying to overcome his influence on me.

[Iris]

6. He called my husband a "professional student"

so what do you think?


And, yeah, I chose the exact opposite.

[Cursive_Knives512]

7. My dad is such a hard-ass

Once, when I was about 9 years old, my dad *flipped* out at me for crying and called me a "baby." Heck, I was! He's better now, but I'll never forget that.

[m-jean03]

21. Same experience when I was 10 or 11.

We went to see a movie that involved great tragedy and social injustice.
I started crying in the theatre, and would have calmed down, but he started yelling at me in a loud whisper, asking "what the hell is wrong with you?" "Are you a little baby now? Do we have to leave?" "You are humiliating me".

I never forgot it.

[Cursive_Knives512]

26. Isn't that terrible?

And what made it worse was the my mom was just sitting there the whole time, not saying anything.

[supernova]

8. Father was painfully shy

it was hard for him to communicate, so we didn't talk a lot. Mom was often his mouthpiece. But I knwe he loved me and was proud of me.

[ohiosmith]

9. Neither here too. He was an alcoholic wife beating child abuser.

He was incapable of taking responsibility for his miserable life. He died in 1967 a victim of his self-destructive habits.

[Sandpiper]

10. My Dad was like Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof

Usually a big teddy bear, but could turn into a grizzly bear if pushed.

He was a nice guy by his nature, but tough and firm when he needed to be.

My Dad was the best.

[Raven]

12. My dad was closer to sensitive but he could be very tough.

Whenever I was in trouble as a kid I would always bare my soul to him. He was understanding and forgiving but did not abide fools. He was a well known litigator who could put the fear of God in other lawyers if they were on the other side of a case, but people always said that he was fair. He was very fair to me and he was wonderful to my son. I miss him very much and was lucky to have him all the years I did.

I have never made good choices in men during my life so I think that my preference in men are those that keep their distance! :-)

[VelmaD]

16. I know what ya mean Raven...

my friends tease me that I'm only attracted to men that are either unavailable or a couple thousand miles away or both. Of course it's only funny because it's too true.

[Raven]

20. I think that sometimes, women who adore their dads

have trouble finding the right guy for themselves. Maybe their expectations are too high, I don't know, but it often seems to be the case.

[VelmaD]

25. That could be it...

I am definitely still daddy's little girl. :) I recognize his flaws as a person but I still think he's a pretty neat guy.

Sometimes I think it could be the oposite as well...I don't believe anyone could live up to dad and so I set my expectations too low instead of holding out for someone really special. :)

[lolly]

55. Is that you Scout?

What did you say your dad's name was? Atticus?

;-)

[Rainbowreflect]

14. My dad was very sensitive & loving.

Unfortunately he died when I was 5.

[Karenina]

34. Mine committed selbst Mord

when I was 8. He was SUPER-SENSITIVE, really SMART and protected me from my mom, who never really liked me very much. Then he was gone.

[Parrcrow]

15. He usually went with the hard-boiled shield

but wasn't afraid to be sensitive either.

We all have parent issues and I would be lying if I said that I were not still dealing with them. Nevertheless, in the seven years between my mother's death and his own, we had numerous opportunities to bond as adults. He could never be the all knowing figure we expect our fathers to be and I could never live up to all of his expectations. He loved me and I loved him. We liked one another's company; that counts too.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

17. Both. And he rocks, I tells ya. He's 90. (nt)

[nini]

22. I miss my Dad

:cry:


My dad left us when I was 3 - he was an alcoholic who messed up.

I got close to him later on and was with him when he died. He was somewhere between a hard ass and a softie.

Because he did what he did when I was young, I think I am more suspicious of men which is why they really have to prove themselves to me before I get involved.

[beachbum]

23. My dad is awesome

He came from depression times. His dad was a drunk and never home, and was shot by the police when my dad was five years old. Had to quit school in the 8th grade to go to work to help out the family. So basically the odds were against my dad. But he turned out great. He worked real hard. Just a working man. Raised five kids. He was the one we got the spankings from. But I certainly dont feel like I was ever mistreated as I look back. And he has definitely has softened up as he has gotten older. I am real good friends with both of my parents. I think they are great. And yes, I am still looking for someone very much like my dad.

I would sum it up by saying somewhat hard boiled early on, though, more sensitive now, more quick to anger early on than he is now. His favorite quote now: Dont Sweat The Small Stuff.

[m-jean03]

28. Your dad sounds a lot like mine,

He came from a later era, but he had a tough life, orphaned as a teenager, and I'm sure his hardness reflects that. He too, has softened with time and is less quick to anger. It is nice, when you grow up, and your parents become your friends.

Welcome to DU, beachbum!:toast:

[Frances]

24. I loved my father with all my heart

I have tried to be the kind of parent that he was.

Now I am a grandparent for the first time and I'm looking forward to telling my grandson the same stories my father told me when I was young. The stories were often about things that my father did that got him in trouble, but they were always humorous and light hearted. My father made it seem that it was good to be alive, even when there was a flood or a fire or a broken arm.

[m-jean03]

27. My dad never cried, so...

I became obsessed, at an early age & without knowing why, with boys/men who cry. Whether it was Amos, who cried when he was unjustly punished in 2nd grade... Or James Dean, or Mel Gibson, or Alda's Hawkeye Pierce, or anyone else who cried on TV or the silver screen, I totally fell for them. Sensitive guys are /awesome/. You tell me, on a first date, that you cried at your grandma's funeral? You say you cried a lot? Lucky you.:) I see that furtive attempt to wipe a tear away in the theatre? I am yours!:)

[ronnykmarshall]

29. My dad was a gay man in a straight man's body.

I guess my dad was a fag hag!

He was so cool about me being gay. He had several gay friends and would kick someones ass if they talked shit about gays.

I found a lot of this out much later via my step mom. We went a long time apart. But I'm so greatful for the last years we had together.

[GOPisEvil]

30. My dad tried to be a tough guy, but he's a sweetheart.

A great dad - couldn't ask for better.

[m-jean03]

36. Did you say you were adopted

from somewhere outside 'Murika?:) If so, where from?

[GOPisEvil]

37. Greece.

According to George W., I'm a Grecian. ;-)

[jpgray]

31. Well, since my dad was Chow Yun Fat...

:D

Seriously, my dad was a schizoid mixture of macho anger and soft-eyed intellectualism. In this aspect, he was not unlike my schizoid intorvert/extrovert duality--my ma was an extrovert, my dad was a classic introvert, I ended up as both. :shrug:

[Macadian]

32. Hard nosed alcoholic.

He was verbally abusive but never touched us.

I hated him immensely when I was 17-21.

Then an odd thing happened. He had a stroke that immobilized him. He was forced to stop work, stop drinking and stop smoking. Initially this was very hard for him to accept. Once he accepted his condition, he seemed to relax and change.

About this time I returned to school and lived at home for one year.

We had our first real conversations and I began to understand that he was a decent person who was simply not able to deal with the stress his life had placed on him. WWII, no college education, alcoholism, always being on the road scrapping out a living for his family had taken their toll. I found that hidden behind the alcohol was a big heart. We bonded for the first time that year.

After he passed away, an uncle told me that in the years after his stroke, my Dad finally began to resemble the happy brother he remembered growing up with.

Since then, I've always looked at hard-asses with a more sympathetic eye. Some people are simply jerks. But some people are simply incapable of dealing with modern life. Believe it or not, they are probably suffering more than you are.

[Semi_subversive]

33. My dad's a great old fart!

He is someone I have always looked up to. He was stern, but fair. It wasn't until the last 10 years or so that I learned that he is even more liberal than me.

[bif]

38. Hard assed most of his life. Only saw him cry once

When hi smom died. He's softening up a bit in his old age. But, ironically, he's also getting crankier, if that makes any sense.

[camero]

39. Sensitive but not intellectual

Even though I never saw him much. He was nice but foolish and he succumbed to alcoholism and died 4 years ago bless his heart. He was the macho type.

My mom was the intellectual type.

[TXlib]

40. I try to strike a balance.

I want to be a hard-ass in the sense that "Daddy doesn't mess around." When I tell my kids to do something, I expect them to do it. Period. On the other hand, if they genuinely think I'm being unreasonable, I want them to be free to argue their case, if they can do it rationally, without whining or crying.

I'm a stone-hearted bastard when it comes to tears, and whining elicits only anger from me.

[scottcsmith]

41. No father. An evil step-father

I tell the following story to illustrate why I support gay marriages.

My mother divorced my biological father when I was five. Unfortunately the guy molested my half-sisters (not me or my full-sister) and he ended up going to prison for it.

For some reason, in the 1970s, my mom liked to hang out with bikers. Her friends were members of the Hells Angels biker gang. These were tough characters and they used to come over to visit my mom.

Right around 1976 my mom began corresponding with a guy in prison, at San Quentin. I think he was in prison for armed robbery, I don't know. But they developed a relationship and I can remember as a kid when we'd go to San Quentin to visit this guy. My sister and I would roam around, playing with the vending machines, looking for change. We were pretty young: I was eight or nine, and my sister was five or six.

The day came when my mom married this guy while he was still in prison. I'm not sure how long after that he was released to come live with us. Maybe six months.

So now I have this new step-father. And he's evil. Really. As I got older I came to realize just how evil this guy was.

First of all, his tattoos. He had lots of swastikas, and each elbow had a tattoo of a spider web. Now, in some prison gangs, like a white supremacist gang, you'd get the spider web tattoo if you shanked a minority prisoner, probably an African-American prisoner. So he was a racist, possibly a murderer, and always expressed his views about the races he hated.

Secondly, the guy was a drug addict. I remember when I was a teenager I had snuck into my mom and step-dad's bedroom for some reason, and in the closet I saw the rows of ultra-violet light and the rows of marijuana plants.

Thirdly, the guy was a drunk.

And I'll sum him up in a few paragraphs. The guy was an abuser. He beat my mother regularly (which we kids got to witness), and abused me and my sister. This went on for years.

During the time he was married to my mom we moved around a lot. We started in southern California and made our way north. So we'd move every couple of years. This was to stay ahead of the law, because apparently the step-dad had outstanding warrants for his arrest.

When I was in 7th grade, we moved to Medford, Oregon. The step-dad had dyed his hair, permed it, and had gone to a nearby graveyard to take the name of someone who had died that was close to his own age. You know, to assume that identity.

The abuse and moving continued until 8th grade. We finally settled down but the abuse did not stop. At 17 I finally fled to the Navy.

And when I look back on those horrible, horrible years, I have to wonder why, as a society, we think a racist, murdering convict is a great choice to become married and move into a family with children. Yet a committed gay couple cannot get married. It doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?

[m-jean03]

43. My condolences on a tough life

That said, you could probably write a book with a story like that.

[camero]

48. My story could probably mirror yours with a caviate.

The evil step-father finally got it that I meant business. I don't look intimidating but with him I packed a wallop.

[NightTrain]

42. Definitely hard-boiled!

My dad was a Teamster for 38 years and had served in the Army Infantry prior to that. Hard-boiled as hell, y'all!

[Cuban_Liberal]

44. My Dad's pretty mellow, for the most part.

He was not a huge 'control freak', which I see in a lot of fathers; my Dad didn't have many rules, but OTOH, those he did have he expected to be followed to the letter...

[Kahuna]

45. My dad was happy-go-lucky, humorous and very handsome..

He would make a joke out of anything. Everybody loved him...except my mom... She didn't have a sense of humor. I miss my daddy. :cry:

[Lizz612]

46. Neither really, he's a goof

I've compared him to a 14 year old boy, silly and makes friends quickly. He hangs out at a tough punkish coffee bar in the neighborhood, and drinks hot chocolate. He was the oldest of 4 boys and had 2 girls so he rough houses with the neighbor kids to make up for not having any boys. He's very liberal, like my mother, and has volunteered a lot. He always wanted me to do things myself. He signed me up for a defensive driving course this summer. He listens to The Who and The Clash and Other good stuff like that. But he can get a little passive aggressive like my sister and that drives me up the wall! I LOVE MY FATHER! (except for when I'm home and break curfew, grrr.)

How has it affected my preference for men? Well since my relationship with my father has been positive, I guess I do like men with a similar personality. But thats not an unhealthy thing 'cause my father is a good guy.

[VOX]

49. Hard-boiled on the exterior, but a fair, loving man on the inside...

He had a crappy childhood, growing up in dusty West Texas during the Depression. His mom died when he was 12. His family was poor and prospects were slim. When WWII broke out, he enlisted in the Army Air Corps, came to the West Coast, and never looked back.

He was a hard-working, tender father, a nice guy in all situations. He was strict, and had a temper, but he was quick to laugh, also. I was an anxious kid, and he always had the capacity -- and took the time -- to help dissipate that anxiety with his natural guidance skills. I always chafed at his attempts at being authoritarian, but we usually worked something out. The one really rough patch came when his life-work expectations fell short and he drank to excess. He also couldn't deal very well with my brother and me as teenagers, so he and my mom separated for eight years, but it was for the best.

My parents did reconcile, and they then had some good years, traveling and getting to know each other anew. Unfortunately, he never got to enjoy retirement -- a few days after he gave his farewell speech at a trade-organization conference, he died from a sudden heart attack.

I still miss you, Pa.

[FlaGranny]

50. My father - "Daddy"

was the sweetest, gentlest person I ever met. He taught me about the stars and planets, he taught me to appreciate nature, he taught me tolerance. From him I learned to appreciate all the good things in life, none of them having anything to do with money. He lived to age 89.

[m-jean03]

52. Thanks for the touching post.

Your dad sounds like he was wonderful.

Really, all of the stuff you guys are writing actually makes me appreciate my dad more for all _his_ wonderful, if at times hard boiled, qualities.

[Ladyhawk]

51. My father was angry, emotionally distant and mentally ill.

He looked for excuses to beat me. Interestingly enough, the welt I just put on my ass by falling down reminded me of him.

[shanti]

53. hardboiled

and often a selfish jerk. :shrug: we never got along.

[Quetzal]

54. My father was so-so

he had a very strict, stern tone to his voice, but his message was always right and just.

[bubblesby2002]

56. My Dad passed away many years ago,

But he had a huge influence on my life. He payed professional football, and amateur hockey and baseball. He was a sailor in the Canadian navy, a fireman and a fire marshal for the government. He was big both figuratively and literally.

Because I couldn't be a firefighter, or any of the other things he was, I tried to emulate his hard drinking and fighting ways. Have gotten over that, thank God.

Amazingly enough the man I married was nothing like my Dad.

However, now that I'm single again, the men I find the most attractive are big guys who like to go out and have fun and who love hockey and football and fishing.

I'm also partial to little guys though so I guess what I am saying is that I like all men and can be attracted to any of them.

[Ramsey]

57. He was an ex-Marine Sergeant

So I'll let you guess which :-).

[tjwash]

58. My dad's first name was Mister...

...with a capitol "M"

[Nikia]

59. My dad is easy going

He played in a rock band for about 20 years. He writes music, sings, and can play several different instruments. That took priority over other jobs he had for a while. Losing those jobs didn't really bother him though. He wasn't all competitive and uptight like my mother. He is sensitive and cries during emotionally moving songs or film. He is brilliant too. He rarely got angry although he did let things build up inside him. Although he has gotten into car restoration recently, he wasn't all that mechanical when I was growing up. He wasn't into sports at all except watching professional sports just to be social, not really caring about them, and high school sports to support myself and friends. He was into camping and nature though.
All the guys that I have had successful relationships with whether it was as SOs or as friends have been like my father in several of those ways. I don't really like hypermasculine guys.

[kodi]

61. tough, very tough. you couldn't drive a nail up his ass with a jack hammer

as with the dinsdale twins, cruel but fair.

[fudge stripe cookays]

62. A little of both

Came from a Chicago family of 9 kids, didn't finish high school. He ended up getting his GED and joining the Air Force.

He was in for 20-something years. And he was a big guy-- 6'4", 200-something pounds. But I was such a daddy's girl. When I was little, he was stationed in the Philippines for a year and a half, and when he came back, he couldn't even go to the bathroom without me wanting to be right there. He'd walk around the house with me clinging to his leg.

He was an avid judo sensei-- had his own dojo on base at Clark AFB, but he was also sensitive. He was an amazing artist and also played the guitar. I loved sitting on the velvet in his guitar case when I was little and listen to him teach himself to play "What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor." And I'd curl up next to him on the couch and watch TV a lot.

Unfortunately, dad was a smoker. Yesterday (April Fools) was the 24th anniversary of his death. April Fools has always been a sucky day for me. His death completely fractured my family. My brother no longer speaks to my mother or myself, and my mom and I have a screwed up relationship too.

But I found someone amazingly like my dad. Dark hair, pretty eyes, a musician, and an artist. And I've always been drawn to that type.

[SarahB]

64. Very sensitive

He has no backbone and my abusive mother walked all over both me and him.

I like a man who is emotional and sensitive and some of us women are actually emotional and sensitive enough ourselves to fully appreciate that kind of person. It seems like that only men who ever express any interest in me are macho assholes and I scare off the sensitive ones.

[democracyindanger]

65. My dad's a fucker

Still listens to Rush every day. Impossible to have any kind of conversation with, so I avoid conversation period.

Sorry, but that's the truth.

[Flowerchild73]

66. Dad's

My dad has always been perplexing. Someone not easy to read.

[democracyindanger]

67. Welcome to DU! n/t

[arewethereyet]

68. yes

which seemed pretty odd to me until I had my own kid.

I wouldn't have had him any other way. And I miss him terribly.

[Redleg]

69. Hard boiled Army veteran but a liberal.

I love him!

[ellie]

70. My dad was great!

He yelled all the time, usually in non sequiters. His favorite saying was "Godammit!" I wouldn't have had it any other way. He influenced me so greatly, that before I do anything, I think, "What would dad say?" He was a hard core liberal and taught me that you must have compassion for your fellow man. He died in 1998. I miss him. I talk about him all the time.

Some of his one-liners:

What kind of country turns it back on its own citizens?

No one has a right to tell a woman what to do with her body.

The American people are their own worst enemy.

Eat the body, drink the body, what a bunch of godamn ghouls (on the mysteries of the Catholic Church).

[JaySherman]

73. My dad is very sensitive

A total softie. Though he'd never admit it. To a limited extent, he passed it on to me. But now it drives me nuts, because I hate having to walk on eggshells so I don't hurt his feelings.

[Padraig18]

74. My father was a very warm, loving man.

I can only remember him having raised his voice to me once, but can't even count how many times I got a hug, a kiss, a pat on my head and warm, gentle words.

I miss my Daddy terribly, some days...

[shimmergal]

76. My dad was a great guy.

Don't know if "sensitive" is the right word. He was a scientist and wouldn't feel comfortable talking about "feelings", but put it in terms of "beliefs" and I could tell him almost anything, and he'd understand. He was the parent who always gave me unconditional love; my mother was much more likely to freeze me out if I crossed her or "disrespected" her. My father had such hopes and confidence in me that it motivated me just the right way. I'd try to do my best because I couldn't stand to disappoint him.

He wasn't very macho, though, except perhaps in his willingness to take on other scientists whose theories he disagreed with. Oddly enough, I think this was bad for my own life decisions. I picked a husband who did a lot of fake macho posturing to hide his sensitive side. What a mistake! Now I'm older and wiser, and maybe have the same syndrome as some other women on this list -- it's hard to find a man who lives up to my expectations.