Stories from the Road: Demons

[Tobin S.]

Sometimes, I think that my dreams mock me.

I'm sitting in a deserted parking lot at one of my company's trucking terminals as I write this. Well, not quite deserted. Another trucker just pulled up a few minutes ago. But I don't know if he'll be staying or if he's just dropping off a trailer. No staff will be at the terminal until tomorrow night which is when I make my first delivery under this load. There is a truck stop a few miles down the road, but it costs $10 for 12 hours of parking. So, here I will sit and feel alone and haunted. Nobody on the planet knows exactly where I am right now, not even the trucker who just pulled in. I'm situated in here in a way that I'm pretty sure he didn't see me.

I'm sitting next to a small pond and the little kid part of me that was afraid of the dark keeps expecting some monster to rise up out of it and come after me and my truck. But the adult me is haunted by real demons, although they are in my mind. This is something that I had sort of expected to happen, but not to this degree. I knew that if I were to spend any length of time out on the road that I would likely run into road blocks in my mind. I think most truckers experience it at some point, that is, if they have demons in the first place. It's due to being alone a lot. When it's just me and the road and no other distractions or people to keep the demons at bay, they come for me.

But this time is different. It used to be that the demons would get the better of me. I didn't seem to be much of a match for them. But I'm digging down deep this time and holding my own. They are still ripping open old wounds, but I'm quick to cauterize them and then stick that hot iron right in the little fucker's eye who caused the pain in the first place. I think I'm starting to win the battles.

I started driving long haul again in July of this year after about 10 years of driving locally. So far it has been more therapeutic than the total of all of my sessions combined with psychologists. I'm learning how to fight what is wrong and I needed to get out of my hometown and away from the people I know to do it. This journey into self employment and out on the road is more than just and adventure out into the world. It's just as much a journey into my interior world, and perhaps that journey is even more important.

So, here I will sit and be haunted. But maybe tonight my dreams will not mock me.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear Tobin...

Your writing is very powerful tonight. I applaud you, and it.

This sentence says it all: It's just as much a journey into my interior world, and perhaps that journey is even more important.

You aren't alone out there...We're all out there with you. We've got your back.

:hug:

[Dr Morbius]

2. You may have demons to face, but please remember this:

You are not alone.

And you're considerably stronger than you credit yourself.

[Haole Girl]

3. The road can be a wonderful catharsis

I read an interesting poem once, about solitude. Wish I could find it, but don't know where that book is now...

Anyway, the poem described how solitude can be frightening at first, like the darkness. But the mind adjusts, as our eyes, after awhile.

I'm not describing this well... if I find the poem I'll send it to you!

[mix]

4. great writing

keep surviving

[EFerrari]

5. Whatever happened to the idea of recruiting a dog

to drive with you?

[Tobin S.]

7. I have given that some more thought

and have decided not to get a dog for now. I guess I'm not ready for the responsibility of taking care of a critter right now.

[EFerrari]

10. Fwiw, after I commited to my girl

my deep end became a little less deep and less traveled. I don't really know why. She's like ballast. She doesn't stop me from thinking my thoughts in any way. She's more of an anchor in some way I don't really understand.

[IMATB]

6. Hi Tobin

You sound a little down tonight. Don't be.

A doctor once told me to have happy thoughts. I took offense at that statement. How dare he. He didn't live in my head.

But ya know, he was right. I made up my mind one day and tried to think happy thoughts. The bad thoughts had taken over for a long time, it had to be better right ?

I pushed my insecurities to the side and dealt with them later. When later came, I pushed them off again. After a while I just got rid of them.

See the sweet things. Look for the smiles. If no one does it first, you be the first. Laughter. That is the secret to happiness.

Life can be so good.

You are never alone.

[nolabear]

8. You sound like you're on a Journey, and those have great power.

Call it what you will, forty days in the wilderness, walkabout, a quest, whatever, it's a strong archetype and it can be very healing. Good luck on your path.

[MiddleFingerMom]

9. I know what you mean about the road being therapeutic...

.
.
.
...because in 1981, I was sitting on my motorcycle at a stoplight and
this drunk kid in a station wagon coming up behind me decided to blow
the light at 55 mph and didn't SEE me.
.
"He's gonna stop. He's gonna stop. He'sgonnastophe'sgonnastophe'sgonnastopFUCK!!!!!!!"
.
.
.
There were witnesses in a nearby parking lot. Sent me FLYING (it looked
to them like I almost hit the traffic light above the middle of the
intersection) and I landed in the parking lot of a gas station across
the intersection. Took him 300+ feet to stop and my bike was imbedded
in the front of his car -- he now had a 6-wheeled vehicle. I remember
headlights ROARING up behind me and I remember saying the quote above --
then all was blackness until I became aware again (they tell me I was
conscious the whole time) in the ER, BEGGING for a cigarette. I vaguely
remember cussing out the ambulance driver for aiming for EVERY FUCKING
POTHOLE IN BETWEEN THE ACCIDENT AND THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!
.
Broken right lower leg and a bruised hip where I landed that soon swelled
up 'til my hips were literally 50% wider than when I had come in. Leg -
uncomfortable. Hip - made me SCREAM.
.
Demerol. Wonderful... wun ner fullllllll Demmmmrlzzzzzzzzzzzz.
.
It really IS nice. I proposed to it.
.
.
.
Luckily... it turned me down.
.
.
Anyway, I gave up riding for 25 years. A few years back, I took my car up
into the White Mountains in NE Arizona and remembered what motorcycle
riding was all about. Bought a bike and rode again for two more years or so
before I HAD to give it up for finances and health.
.
Saw a t-shirt on a biker that's one of the truest I've ever seen.
.
"I'm riding my therapist."
.
.
Word.
.
.
.
.
So, my friend... you keep vanquishing those demons... slaying those dragons.
.
.
We'll be here WHENEVER you might need some company... some extra strength.
.
.
.
Ride on, Sir Tobin.
.
.
.
.
.
Ride on.
.
.
.

[MilesColtrane]

11. The demons of your unconscious who rise from the water have only...

the power which you allow them to have.

You know you are their master and can banish them with a word.

But, sharing your concerns in regular contact with your physician ain't chopped liver.

There's no shame in seeking allies in the fight.

[hibbing]

12. you are not alone

Hi Tobin,
Love your posts, but this one made me sad, which is okay too, part of life. The place sounds creepy the way you wrote it, I love your writing. I don't quite get the configuration of the place where the other trucker wouldn't even see you. Do you mean see you? or see your truck?

Hang in there and I know you have a loyal following here in the lounge as I often notice a lot of familiar people responding to your posts. You really do capture a lot in your writing and I enjoy your posts very much. I really do love the insights you have given me to your world and you have really been educating me with your posts.

Peace

[denbot]

13. I've come to belive that my demons, regardless of thier intentions.

Are healers, with or without their approval. May you bend your messengers to your own will, and I will think thoughts of you "in a good way".

Peace.