A serious question about my future...

[CanuckAmok]

Hey all.

Let me ask you, my 'single-serving friends', what you think about this:

As some of you know, my wife left me in January, for reasons not worth repeating, or completely understood.

While the next few months are 'unwritten', I think it's pretty clear that my wife does not want to reconcile. She has some issues of her own which are pulling her, and us, apart, and as much as I would like to help her, she simply doesn't want to be helped...

For the record, I do want to reconcile...but the ball isn't in my court.


Anyway...

The upside to this turn of events, if you can call it an upside, is that I will be divorced at age 37, and with about $150,000 in my pocket once our assets are disolved.

That's good, I guess. It's a silver lining, I suppose.

But, my question is this...

I will be completely independent, and able to do whatever I want. The last time I was in this position, I was 28. It was a whole different time of my life, and it felt as if I had a future to build. I no longer feel 'youthful'. Admittedly, many of the feelings I have are situational, but I really don't hold alot of hope for 'love', or 'romance', or the kind of innocent optimism I shared with my wife for so long. I guess what I'm saying is that I feel that along with my marriage, I've lost my...well...my youth?

So...where to go now? I never even considered a future without my wife.

I think it's time that I move away from Vancouver, as my wife is somewhat of a local public figure, and I don't think I want to be constantly reminded of her, and the places which I define as 'ours'. Furthermore, she's on a bit of a self-destructive course, and I don't want to witness it. A fresh start (probably in Victoria or New Zealand) seems to be a better option. New start, new friends, new home...

Now this part is serious: dating is out. I'm not one of those people who 'serial partners' in order to avoid being alone. I'd be a terrible boyfriend/husband right now, and for the forseeable future. I anticipate that, want it or not, time alone is in the cards. Come September, I'll be looking for my own home.

For the record, I don't have children.

Options:

I can stick my cash in some secure investment and travel a bit (I never really have), and come back looking for work in my current field (which I loathe), or something else (no doubt it'll be entry-level).

I can stick my cash in some secure investment, rent an apartment, and knuckle down and continue working in the career I loathe.

I can buy a small condo and continue working in the career I loathe.

I can live like a pauper and go back to school, graduate at age 42 or so, and start on the ground floor.

I can stick my cash in some secure investment and go and do something good for the world. Volunteer with Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, or the UN, or something for a few years, come home, and...?

Get back into bed and stay there until I die.

Something else.

So, DU friends...what would you do? I am trying to make lemonade out of these lemons, and I'd like to know what some of you would do if you were me.

What would you do if you could start again?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

1. if you invest wisely

you can go back to grad school and not be a pauper,no?

i mean if you get a Phd. they will even pay you nominally for goign to school. that and earnings of a fixed deposit may be sufficient.

[DemoTex]

2. Dip into the cash to get out of the loathsome career.

Numero uno, get happy-o with the job-o! However, live the frugal life to save as much of that money as possible. BTW: What is that career you "loath"? It might serve as warning for many DUers.

[CanuckAmok]

7. Film industry...

...it's not a bad place to be, but I've been in it too long, and it's all-consuming. 15 hours a day, every day for 3000+ days of my life. What I have to show for it is a home full of expensive bumpf I don't need, and a wife who I barely recognise.

I am Jack's sense of well-appointed, Scandinavian-designed, brightly lacquered emptiness.

[DemoTex]

19. OK. I understand. I have a friend (Mexican) in Spain in films.

He is very alchoholic. Actually, I grew up with his wife. She left him 10 years ago, after over 22 years together.

[radwriter0555]

3. Invest and travel. Go out, see the world Go to INDIA and china.. your

perspective will change completely.

You could actually live nicely while traveling for 2+ years on $50K while the 100K collects interest in a nice money market.

And your life would change completely.

And in those 2 years, you would find out what you need to do, who you need to be with, and where you need to be.

Just get that passport and go.

It will all work itself out.

[dolo amber]

11. I like this answer

Especially this part:

And in those 2 years, you would find out what you need to do, who you need to be with, and where you need to be.

I wish you the best. :) :hug:

[Pale_Rider]

4. As the Rolling Stone's Dance song goes ...

... get up, get out, into something new.

Me, if finances are available, I would do some hobo travelling around the world and/or go back to school (do an Archeology degree). If finances are a bit skimpy (or after being a world traveller), then move out of the area and find a new life, a new job and a new home. Live simplier and better.

Investment wise, look for stocks that provide good dividends. REITs are attractive until interest rates rise again.

[Droopy]

5. You should go back to school

and learn something that you really enjoy. Then you'll feel good about starting over again at age 42 because you'll be doing something you like.

I'm 31 and I quit a job that I'd been doing for 7 years to go back and finish up my degree. It's been 2 quarters now and I think it's one of the best decisions that I've ever made. I'm really enjoying myself for the first time in a long time.

[SarahB]

6. What is your gut telling you?

I suspect you know the answer, but have fears about it perhaps.

[CanuckAmok]

9. I really don't know...

I'm at a crossroads. None of this had happened until late January.

[amazona]

8. probably wouldn't have to work full-time again

...but I live a way cheap lifestyle so I won't bore the forum with that again.


Here is a link to a lady who started with way less than you and was ten years older when her husband dumped her -- she started traveling around the world and hasn't quit:

http://www.ritagoldengelman.com/

I read her book, and it was pretty good. There are still a lot of countries where $10,000 a year goes a long way, mainly in Asia, though.

I don't see any point to the graduate school. You just use up your money, and then who will hire you when you graduate in your 40s? But that might be only a problem in the U.S. where over-40s are undesirables because they might have to use the company health plan. Maybe it would be OK if you stayed in Canada where this is not a concern.

Many volunteering opportunities actually charge a pretty penny for people to volunteer in exotic areas. I think I would just float, enjoy, and take life as it comes.

However, since you are a man, and have already announced to the world that you are about to come into six figures in cash, not to be cynical, but my magic 8 ball says that you are a VERY high risk of marrying again despite how you feel about it now. Actually, the gold-diggers that have preyed on my family members were men, preying on older women, but it's the same principle. I would keep quiet about getting a settlement. It might seem small to you but there are lots of people who would be happy to romance you for every penny.

Good luck.

[CanuckAmok]

13. No chance of that...

...that money is all I will have. I may never truly earn again, and if I'm lucky, I'll have to make it last another 40 years or so.

My days of romancing gold-digging ditzes are over. If I ever do get involved again (I suppose it's inevitable), it'll be with someone around my age, with a life/career of her own.

Oh, and PRE-NUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Indiana_Dem]

10. Hmmmmm....

I might jump on the campaign trail or join some PAC like 21st Century Democrats and help train people at the grass roots level to help elect progressive candidates.....

I might go back to school and get a degree in something that might be beneficial in the future such as agriculture or environmental studies then see where that would lead.......

I might get involved in doing something with animals because I love them....

I might join some peace corps type of organization and see how the rest of the world lives while I'm helping......

all kinds of wonderful possibilities!!!

[Eureka]

12. Maybe the NZ option?

If they let you in there, they let you in here (Aus), so you can live anywhere from the freezing south to the tropical north. And with 150k, well if you're happy to live maybe an hour outside a city you could buy a whole house with that (and the land it's built on). Once you owned a place outright you could start a new career at the ground level while still managing to eat etc.

You could also park the cash in an investment then travel the world and sort shit out (I had a similar experience to your own a few years ago, travelling with just me and my dog sorted it very nicely).

DU'ers cover the globe, you could try and set a record for most DU'ers met while travelling around and evaluating your options. Free beer at my place if you make the attempt :-)

[Screaming Lord Byron]

31. Go to Wellington and live the comfortable life of the artist in exile.

Absolutely the best thing you could do. Seriously. Wellington is one of the world's greatest cities, with a great music and arts scene and possibly the best location for a city on the planet. It's Victoria on steroids.

Just don't ask what's in the pies. It's meat, mate, OK. You don't need to know any more.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

14. Random bit of information

You can buy a very good 2-bedroom apartment in my neck of the woods for around $40K (US). Probably less. And probably much less if you go for the smaller nearby cities (mountain or beach)

[shanti]

25. so you are in brazil?

which part, if i may ask? 40,000 is doable and i like bahia.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

30. I don't know prices in Bahia

But it can't be more expensive than Rio. The only places in Brazil more expensive than Rio are São Paulo and Brasília, which, frankly, suck.

[SoDesuKa]

15. Time Heals All Wounds

I don't think you should leave town to get away from seeing images of your soon-to-be ex-wife. You should concentrate on letting time do its healing work. You aren't reconciled to the breakup, and you shouldn't start new ventures until you find peace.

I'm divorced, and I used to socialize a lot with other divorced people. Trust me on this: Until you get over the breakup, nobody else will want to have anything to do with you. If you're carrying a torch for your ex, you are emitting stay-away signals to everyone around you. Your life now is probably lonely as hell. You've got the ick.

Here's the bad news: you can't speed up the recovery process. Don't even think about making big changes in your life for at least a year. Bounce relationships do not work. Two lonely people clinging to each other don't constitute a healthy couple.

[Rabrrrrrr]

16. Follow your heart

and do what you really want to do.

What do you REALLY and TRULY want to do - what answer comes to you when you answer that honestly, without listening to the gremlins that say "Too much money" or "that's ludicrous" or "my family wouldn't go for it" or "my friends will find it silly".

Whatever answer comes to you, if you don't listen to it you'll kick yourself forever for not listening.

You are at an EXCITING juncture to go do that one thing you always wanted to, or try your hand at whatever career you've always REALLY wanted, or to write that book or play or script or start a horse farm or go live in a tent in Denali for a year and sing songs about tree bark. Whatever the hell it is, listen to your heart and go do it.

[mmm]

17. Get a cheap apartment AND a roommate you can stand. Hoard that cash

for at least six months. It does not grow on trees.
Make your next move as though you have little or no cash.
That money will come in handy when you figure things out.
Perhaps you will buy part of a business, or start one.
Hoard that cash, my friend. (Do take a little vacation
however, you deserve it.)

[MidwestMomma]

18. Go to school abroad

If you go to school, in say Spain, you can find a new field of study and travel all over Europe. Or maybe consider South America. Enroll in a school in Argentina and then use vacation time to see South America.

That's what I would do.

Good Luck...

[ScreamingMeemie]

20. Do you have a dream career that going to back to school would help

you achieve? Then I say go for it. Now is the time to put CanuckAmok first and foremost. It sounds like you gave a lot of yourself in the interest of your relationship. If that has ended it's time to refocus on you. You deserve it.

Best of luck! We are here for you.

:hug: Laura

[Flaxbee]

21. Get out and see the world!

I think it was radwriter who said a little time and travel might really help you figure out where you want to be, what you want to do.

Invest the $100K long-term (2 years or so), put $25K in shorter term investments and go forth with some moolah and explore. You might not need to even spend what $$ you have accessible, because you could find a place to stay for a bit and work, you know? Teach English in Japan (they really pay quite well, or at least did so 7 years ago), or travel through India, or learn how to make gondolas in Italy, or, as you said, sign up with the Peace Corps for a bit. Your world is open, don't shackle yourself to a job you don't like while you're young and healthy!

Take a camera with you, film a documentary. Go study the mating rituals of iguanas. Whatever. You have enough money at your disposal to sock a lot of it away, yet still do some exploring.

Read a lot between now and September, and really, do travel. It is the most eye-opening, mind-enhancing experience ever. You'll discover all kinds of things about the world and yourself, and options you consider now might seem ridiculous when you're thinking of what to do while strolling through the streets of Istanbul. GO! I'd be checking into good storage facilities right now if I were you.

[welshTerrier2]

22. hard to give advice

you sound like you're holding up OK and that you've spent some time reflecting on your situation ...

i would make a couple of key points in response to your post ...

first, while i can see plenty of basis for viewing life's big events as a crossroads, it seems like you may have enough change to deal with without "tossing your old life away" at the same time ... there's nothing wrong with relocating or with changing careers but my strongest advice would be to ensure that you are choosing new paths for positive reasons rather than letting what may be a temporary, transitional emotional perspective blur your vision ... making big changes now makes it hard to really know whether you're running towards something or away from something ... perhaps one is healthier than the other ... perhaps not ...

being somewhat "personally conservative", i suppose i would lean toward making my changes in a more gradual manner ... but that's just me ...

if i were in your situation, i would get myself into counseling ... i would not have the view that i "needed" help or that i was an emotional basket case or that i was "broken" in some way ... rather i would have the view that i was at a time in my life where having a chance to reflect very deeply on my situation and getting to know myself as well as possilbe would be a real benefit ... "know thyself" ...

asking for insight and feedback from DU'ers, friends and family is a good start ... but i think there would be real value, even if only for a few months, for a more in-depth self-study ...

hope this helps ... i wish you well ...

[CanuckAmok]

24. Thanks! I am seeing a Pro.

I'm just looking for some other perspectives. I'm seeing a Psychologist at the moment (not right at THIS moment, of course), and he's a good guy.

Also, my wife wants us to see a counselor together...we start on Thursday. I don't know why she wants this...I think it's to ease the transition (or her guilt?). Whatever...it's just another $140/hr I can't afford.

[Insider]

23. relax, enjoy a nice vacation, exhale

meditate. sorry, that's what i want to do.

good luck, canuckamok.

[bubblesby2002]

26. Time may not heal the wounds - but it makes them hurt less.

I can't tell you what to do with your money, but I can say if you want to travel, don't wait until some imaginary thing (like more money, better times, another partner) comes along, because you might not get the opportunity again. My husband died relatively young of cancer and that changed every plan we had.

I never considered any future without my husband either, so I know some of the stuff going through your head. It's wierd isn't it?

So, for what it's worth here's my advice, relocate to beautiful Victoria, rent a reasonably priced apartment, slow down a little, put your money someplace secure, and travel a little - see some places you haven't seen.

Bubbles

[ConsAreLiars]

27. Don't listen to me

But...

You say you want out of your current career but other than retraining somehow and "living like a pauper" for a while, you don't now see any other option. The positive side includes the possibility to "do something good for the world" or maybe travel.

I've no idea what your current career involves, I'll take your word that is odious, but you undoubtedly have skills and expertise that could be of service in some socially worthwhile cause. Hiring on at some non-profit for subsistence pay doesn't sound like if is that appealing to you, although if the cause moved you sufficiently this could be a very satisfying option.

In the meantime, I would recommend a bit of exploration, both personal/spiritual and cultural/social. Take your skills, your talents, your hopes. your preconceptions, your biases, your innocence, your curiosity. Not much else. Don't be a tourist. Be a sadhu. Live as close to the way the people around you are living as practical. Walk among them, listen. see what they see.

Actually, I'm thinking about a year or two in India and thereabouts. A region far more rich in humanity and cultural diversity than you can even begin to imagine. If you go among the people, not just as a tourist, you will encounter a culture shock severe enough to either knock you into a coma or blow away your comfortable assumptions about life and reality far more profoundly than any number of peyote buttons.

Well, that's just me wishing for chance to return. No guarantees - your mileage will vary.

[CandyCrim21]

28. *sigh*

Well, considering I have NEVER been in this situation before in my life I have to say that my heart goes out to you how ever little that must help. But after reading your options I'd say do school thing and make a fresh start or do the investment thing and do something great for the world. The world is at your finger tips friend. What ever you do, DON"T quit the career you loathe before you apprear to have found something different. I do agree with your whole relocating idea though. That was the only way for me to get over my ex but we werent even married so I cant imagine what you must be going through. Good luck friend. Keep us informed. :pals:

[SoCalDem]

29. How about taking a "leave of absence"?

Not the same a quitting, yet it would give you some time to travel and think..

Costa Rica, Belize, Brazil, Tahiti come to mind.. Go native.. If you are healthy and not too into luxury, your money would last you a long time..

If you banked the bulk of it and just drew from the rest, you could actually "work your way" around the world..

I like the camera thing too..Make a documentary of an "early midlife not-quite-a-crisis"...:)

You are down in the dumps, so you don't feel young now, but you really ARE.. Once you get out there and have some fun, you'll realize it..:)

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

33. Yep. I'm going to have lunch now, and it's going to cost me...

US$ 1.75.

2.15 if I get a soda.

CanuckAmok could live without working for EIGHT YEARS straight, very comfortably AND paying rent on a very good apartment in Rio, with the money he has.

Doing some smart, conservative investment, he could stay here FOREVER.

Edit: Brain fart. Amok, not Concerned.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

34. Burp. I'm back.

Fish filet (coated with a mixture of egg and flour and fried -- what do you call this procedure?), rice, black beans, French fries, spaghetti, tomato/lettuce/onion salad.

The typical meal of the working-class Brazilian.

Adjusted for today's exchange rate: $1.71 ($2.12 with soda)

[SoCalDem]

37. Curiosity here...

When Americans move to Brazil, what do they do?? Are they allowed to work?? How long can they stay?? Can they buy property? or are they required to "lease" land??

I know that portuguese is the official language, but do most people know some english??


I was in Northern Barzil as a child , for a very short time, but I have always wanted to go back :)

[YellowRubberDuckie]

32. I'm 24, and if I were facing the EXACT SAME situation,

I'd buy a boat, and sail. You can get a license at whatever port you wander into and make money taking rich people out to fish and on tours. This is something that has been pulling at me, but I know I won't be able to do this for SEVERAL years. If that kind life appeals to you, of course. I'm just suggesting because it's a great way to find yourself and figure out who you are and what you want to do. And it's peaceful and you can't help but be one with nature. The life of a pirate could be good for a year. It's cheap and you'd only have to worry about fuel and food. And if that life has never even remotely looked good to you, sorry I brought it up. Hope you figure it out. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. Hope it gets better.
Duckie

[bearfan454]

35. When I was divorced every weekend was a different experience for me.

People would say - Stevo, what are you going to do this weekend ? I would say - I don't know, I will go where ever my travels take me. It is fun for a guy. You can do whatever you want to. You can. There are so many horny girls out there it is unbelieveable. It is.

[redqueen]

36. How can anyone possibly say

without knowing what you're passionate about?

What are your passions? If I were you, I'd spend a while thinking about those things that you get personally invested in easily, and consider doing something along those lines.

Best I can do - sorry! :)

[CanuckAmok]

39. That's just it, Redqueen...

I don't know what I AM passionate about. I pretty much lost everything that was important to me, and I'm discovering that my entire future, as I envisioned it, involved a life of family.

I need to find passions.

[Liberal Christian]

38. Get a coach

I have four siblings and two siblings-in-law who are Co-active Life Coaches. One of the things that Life Coaches do is work with people to do exactly the kind of visioning and planning and dreaming that you are trying to do. Specializing in asking powerful questions, a good coach can help you find where your life could be in better balance and help you do some reflection on what the next phase might be.

Though it's an oversimplification, I tell people that what my siblings do is help people do in their personal lives what an athletic coach does with an athlete -- find what is excellent in them and put it to work in the world. Coaching is NOT therapy. For an explanation of the differences, look here: http://www.thecoaches.com/info/cversust.html

I'd use a little of that money to engage a coach and do some internal work. Because you can go out to find yourself, but until you know you like who you're going to be, wherever you go, there you'll be.

I'm not recommending any of my sibs, though they're great, but if you'd like a way to get some referrals, feel free to PM me.

[HEyHEY]

40. Come get drunk with me in Vancouver on May 15?

Seriously, I'm too young to start giving advice. But I wish you luck.

[SCDem]

41. If you decide to travel for a while

just remember that you have to come back to reality. Whether that reality is in the job you have now or a new one, you still will be coming back to a drastically different lifestyle than you were used to, having to make and trust new friends.

My mother and father divorced in 2000. My mother, trying to avoid depression or having to deal with picking up life and moving on, moved to Mexico and worked for a non-profit for a year and when she came back to the US she was totally unprepared for starting over, yes it had been a year since the divorce but she did properly deal with any of the emotional or finanical or personal shit that she should have been dealing with. Now it is 2004 and she is now still struggling to deal with reality.

I wish you luck in whatever venture you take but just don't try to avoid reality for too long.