New Apps

[Po_d Mainiac]

The Goldman Sachs App……Automatically sets up accounts with hedge funds (whom are counter-parties to GS positions), moves your money from savings, pays margin calls, and notifies you when you are broke.

The Liz Warren App….Capable of doing a wide range of protecting you, the consumer, but we are waiting to confirm this.

The Moody’s App…Rates everything from investments too restaurants. Note: There are reports of people going broke from medical bills related to food born illnesses and AAA+ rated bonds. There is a disclaimer that states no one from Moody’s actually read a prospectus or ate at any of the establishments.

The Obama App..Highly anticipated by the public, but on most devices the phrase “Yes we can” scrolls from the left side of the screen to the right and locks the software up. Nothing else seems to happen.

The JP Morgan App…Very expensive app that is priced the same as the ETF GLD. Lots of handy links to pictures of gold bullion, and a reproduction of Blackbeard’s original treasure map.

Bank of America App….Automatically transfers money from your accounts to the bank’s balance sheet every time you turn your device on or walk past an ATM. GPS feature guides you to any destination by directing you along routes with multiple ATM’s.

Economist App…Easy to use thesaurus that gives subscribers the ability to use lay terms instead of the complicated vocabulary of the industry. Includes indecipherable words such as surprised and unaware. Also has a feature for Central Bankers with euphemisms for “printing money” and “giving money away.” Lots of porn links included.

Republican Heath Care App..Do-it-yourself instructions with step-by-step illustrations for complicated surgical procedures. Bonus feature includes instructions for hip replacement and building body joints out of duct tape. GPS comes pre loaded with funeral home locations via routes with the highest concentration of ATM’s.

The BP Game App….. Earn redeemable credits that you can exchange for House and Senate votes. The object is to turn sand colored beaches black and Capital Hill green while simultaneously watching yachting events. This app comes with a warning that users often feel that their life has been taken away.

There was going to be a Sarah Palin App, but software engineers couldn’t keep it from quitting.
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