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86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank > > > Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 > year old woman. > > The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in > theNew York Times. > > > > > > Dear Sir: > > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I > endeavored to pay my plumber last month. > By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his > presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds > needed to honor it.. > > I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire > pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only > eight years. > > You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of > opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty > for the inconvenience caused to your bank. > > My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has > caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. > I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and > letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the > impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your > bank has become. > > From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and- > blood person. > > My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no > longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, > addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank > whom you must nominate. > > Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other > person to open such an envelope. > > Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your > chosen employee to complete. > > I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much > about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. > > Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be > countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/ > her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) > must be accompanied by documented proof. > > In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a > PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. > > I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I > have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to > access my account balance on your phone bank service. > > As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. > > Let me level the playing field even further. > > > When you call me, press buttons as follows: > > IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH > > #1. To make an appointment to see me > > #2. To query a missing payment. > > #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. > > > #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping > > #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to > nature. > > #6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home > > #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my > computer is required. > > Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that > Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. > > #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. > > > #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. > > The contact will then be put on hold, pending the > attention of my automated answering service. > > #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. > > While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, > uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. > > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? > > > Your Humble Client > > > > And remember: Don 't make old People mad. > > We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much > to piss us off. > >
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