I have a lot of things I want to say and no one to say them to, so

[mcctatas]

I will say them here. My ex-husband took his own life on Thursday May 13th (I don't want to type all the details again but I did type them here http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=9364777&mesg_id=9368218)

I am angry, I am sad, I feel guilty, I feel like I have no right to grieve because of the horror show our marriage had become and because I am sure there are people who would blame me for what he did. In truth, I begged his fundamentalist parents to help me get him help before I left him, their solution was to quit speaking to me and to tell him he needed to get right with the lord. I am mourning the loss of the man I spent most of my adult life with and the father of my children, I am mad as hell that he has left my children with this legacy and I don't know how to fix it. I am pissed at the religious zealots who see God as a solution for everything, GOD DOES NOT FIX MENTAL ILLNESS. I hate that his parents have planned a service that won't be a reflection of him at all but rather their own twisted world view, I want him back, I want him to stay gone, I want it to all be over and it never will, especially for my children.

I just needed to say this here so I won't say it somewhere that I shouldn't (like at the top of my lungs during the funeral tomorrow), I will be OK, my kids will be OK in time and life will go on, that is the shittiest part, life just goes on

[peacefreak]

1. I am so, so sorry.

You DO have a right to grieve. You do have the right to rant. You do have the right to claim any emotion to get through this horrible experience. He was your love at one time. It's hard to reconcile that feeling with that ugly divorce & all the pain he put you & your kids through. Wishing you peace.

[TZ]

2. .

I think it's perfectly natural to have all these emotions- you and your family are going through a traumatic experience. It's good to vent even to strangers. My best wishes to you and your family during this time...:hug:

[supernova]

3. I'm so sorry

:hug:

Tragic.

There is nothing you could have done. He was just going to do it.

[flvegan]

4. I certainly hope nobody blames you.

It's not your fault. It's sad that his parents didn't help.

My best to you and your poor kids who have to live with this.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[BarenakedLady]

5. I'm so very sorry

[Blue-Jay]

6. .

.

:(

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. My dear mcctatas...

Oh, sweetie, my heart goes out to you and your children at this very sorrowful time...

I cannot believe (but I do!) that he would do such a thing, and how horrifying.

May I suggest that you and your children get into some sort of counseling/therapy as soon as you can? It WILL help...

My love and support to you and your children...

My deepest condolences...

:hug:

[Call Me Wesley]

8. Hugs and good vibes for you.

Don't think about fixing it right now. You can't. But later you will. And since you will be OK and your kids will be OK, I don't think that the life going on will be the shittiest part. It's always a bumpy ride, but a ride nonetheless. You'll be the one seeing your kids growing up.

And don't even think about guilt. I guess there was no way you could have prevented this; sometimes, we cannot save the life's of others. We're not supposed to nor obligated to do so. You're not guilty.

[Nickster]

9. I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you and your children are ok.

[MorningGlow]

10. OMG

So sorry this happened to your husband, to you, and to your kids. Never mind your in-laws; focus on your children right now and help them through this any way you can.

Mcctatas, you and your children are in my thoughts. :hug:

[bigwillq]

11. Vent as much as you want.

My PM box, both here and on Facebook, are always open. I am sorry that you and your kids have to go through this. If there is anything I can do, just let me know. I can't fix anything but I can lend a shoulder or an ear. Take care. :hug:

[NewJeffCT]

12. I am so sorry

You, your children and your family have my deepest sympathy.

:hug:

[Dr Morbius]

13. Well, from now on, you will have someone to say them to. Me.

I should mention that I'm not a real doctor. And if you don't want to post it, send it to me in a private message. But I will listen. I am terribly sorry for your loss, and for the pain, and for the pain which is sure to come back in the future like reflected ripples off the edge of a pond. My sister once had a former boyfriend suicide in her apartment to punish her because she went to a funeral in another state. Her friends moved her stuff - got her a whole new address, new stuff where necessary, all that jazz - and she was still an emotional mess. It's a really mean thing to do to one's loved ones; people who commit suicide often don't realize just how cruel their actions are.

I am sure that just like my sister, there wasn't a thing you could do. Please try not to second-guess yourself for the next two or three years. Don't accept guilt; you tried. I repeat, don't let yourself feel guilty. That's just an avenue to more pain; it won't do you any good and it will do a boatload of harm. America has such an awful problem with mental illness. I am sorry you - and your children! - were caught in the backlash.

Gosh, what a horrible story. Best vibes to you and your children. I know you don't know me but if a friend you need, I will be there.

[Lil Missy]

14. How tragic for you and the kids.

My heartfelt condolences.

:pals:

[demtenjeep]

15. wow, I am so sorry

:hug:

[Dappleganger]

16. I'm listening.

The husband of one of my friends took his life in their daughter's room a few years back. It was HARD but they are getting through. What needs to be said is that mental illness is deep and hard to understand and there was nothing you could do. He went into the abyss and there was no way out except with professional help (and you'll never know for sure if that would even be the answer).

Fact is, sometimes there really are no answers only questions. I hope that you and your children are able to obtain some degree of peace as you learn to live with the questions. Please try to find a support group if you can (non-religious), even if it's just to sit and listen w/out saying anything. You need to know that others are listening and you're not alone.

As for his parents--fuck them. Seriously. People like that are demented little control freaks who will continue to make your life a living hell. Put as much space between them and your family as possible.

My friend took her two girls down to Costa Rica for a year to get away. It's an idea (and it's cheap). They came back very centered and ready to move on.

:hug:

[Flaxbee]

17. damn, mcctatas, I am so very sorry

Hugs and vibes and my best to you and your children. You'll be fine. Your kids will be fine. But I fear this is going to really impact them much more than you - I think others have suggested therapy for them (and for you) and it wouldn't be a bad idea at all. Depending on their ages, they're going to feel abandoned in a way no divorce could ever accomplish.

I am so sorry for all the grief and heartache and guilt and confusion. :hug:

[FedUpWithIt All]

18. Mcctatas, I am terribly sorry your family is going through this.

My heart hurts for you and your children. Healing wishes for you all.

[Sanity Claws]

19. I am so sorry

:hug:

[Demoiselle]

20. Oh my dear.

I am SO sorry! Please know that I'm sending a big hug your way for you and your kids. I know you will be ok. I pray that you and your children find all kinds of comfort to get you through this.

[abq e streeter]

21. I'm so very sorry--I don't even know what to say beyond that.

[applegrove]

22. I am so sorry. vibes to you and yours.

[Kat45]

23. I just saw your other post. I'm so sorry to hear this.

What a horrible thing. Take care of yourselves.

[jobycom]

24. I'll listen with the greatest sympathy and compassion, but maybe you should find someone

actually trained to help you make sense of it. Everything you are feeling is normal, much of it is rational, and while you don't have a complete grip on your thoughts and emotions right now, I think you see where you need to get them. So in that sense you seem to be doing about as well as you can be.

But the bigger issue is that you also have to be as sound as possible for the spawn. You have to have answers for them, even if you can't use the answers for yourself completely. And there's an even darker detail lurking back there--your children are now at a higher risk of contemplating the same action because he did it. You are, too. That's statistics, and maybe you need someone who understands those things to keep the statistics away from your family. Our sympathies and well-wishes will only carry you so far.

You've always been such a wonderful person, with a strength and a sense of humor and wonder, and it has always showed through in every post I've seen from you, here and on FB. I hate, and I'm sure we all hate, that this has happened to you. I hope that strength and outlook on life are enough to get you through this as unscathed as possible. I don't know what else to say, except that I'm here for you, and all of us are here for you, and you can take your pick of many friends who think of you as more than an online set of words and posts around here in case you run short of the in-the-flesh variety. But only a couple of us--and I'm not one--really has the skill and knowledge to help you, and I hope you get it. God does not fix mental illness, and well-wishes won't fix the range of emotions shattering your peace now. Best of luck on all that you and your wonderful kiddos need.

I don't know what else to say except that I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm angry at any parent who could do that to his children, and I hope you find some peace, real peace, with this. I know you will be there for your children, because that's one of the first things I noticed about you--your devotion to the spawn. :) Beyond that, I know there aren't any words to help now.

[struggle4progress]

60. I second the "a professional beats teh Lounge" theme

[graywarrior]

25. I don't know what to say

I am really sorry to hear this and I wish I could help.

[seabeyond]

26. i am so sorry mcctatas. i just read your other op.

i totally understand your anger. and i feel for your children.

the other thread about suicide, that was so close to your own experience must have been hard for you. but it is evident in your op that you understand, every situation is different and unique in its own.

i am glad, that circumstances happened, so his ultimate goal failed. so relieved.

take care of you and yours.

[seaker]

27. Please accept my sincere condolances

for the tragic loss of such a significant person in your life. I am so very sorry.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

28. I am sorry to see this -- for the kids especially. My condolences to all.

:(

[mwdem]

29. I can't imagine what you are going through...

:hug: for you and your children. I hate that this has happened to you.

[Danger Mouse]

30. Oh geez.

It's always a tragedy when something like this happens.
:(
I hope you and your family will be okay.

[BrklynLiberal]

31. Pls do not blame yourself. It would appear that you did all you could.

Don't let the children inherit this suffering as well.

It is a tragedy that his family would not let him find help and/or peace.

Let it all go....and move on.

:hug: to you and your children.

[Dystopian]

32. My heart goes out to you...

I'm so very sorry...how tragic.
You did the best you could....and you have every right to go through your grief.
The stages of grief are different for all of us...and the effects it will have on your children breaks my heart.
Please take care of yourself...
I'm sorry...my words seem so meaningless right now......
You are a strong and beautiful woman...
That part of you will never change.

Wishing you and your children inner peace...

[Kali]

33. what a horrible situation

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this (and all that came before)

I imagine the parents are feeling pretty shitty too. Let them do what they want, it won't change anything. Do something with the kids you feel is appropriate when the time feels right.

[Inchworm]

34. Sorry McTatas

I love you. :hug:

:cry:

[prolesunited]

35. I hope you can find a suicide survivors support group

or a counselor to help you through this. My brother committed suicide 10 years ago and it was devastating for the entire family. I don't think he wanted to hurt anyone or even saw the repercussions for everyone else. All he saw was the pain that consumed in and he wanted it to end. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself and the children.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

36. I'm sorry to hear that

and send you warm and peaceful thoughts :hug:

[mcctatas]

37. Thanks to everyone for their kind thoughts and advice...

I realize that I sound incredibly angry etc, the truth is, it comes and goes. I am seeking help for the spawn and myself, we are surrounding ourselves with friends and family and I know we will be OK in time :hug:

[crim son]

38. Oh my god.

I'm afraid I can imagine how that feels and you have my empathy and wishes for strength and wisdom.

[havocmom]

39. You have mail

To you, and others who know the pain and oft' contradictory emotions that can come with grief, DU has a Bereavement Forum http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=323 which can be a safe place to go when you need to give voice to deep emotions about loss.

It is a very kind, loving forum. The people there can be a great source of strength and understanding.

[REP]

40. For what it's worth

You have every right to shout it at the top of your lungs tomorrow. I know you won't, but holy shit, if anyone deserved a pass from expected decorum, it's you and your kids.

I'm so sorry. Your family has my best wishes.

[Rhiannon12866]

41. I am so deeply sorry. Words just cannot express my sympathies.

And I agree with REP. This happened to you and this is your life and your tragedy. You have the right to express your sorrow, grief, anger, whatever and however you need to. You need to let it out if you ever hope to get past it, for your kids, but especially for yourself. :hug:

[Callalily]

42. I am so sorry to hear this.

My heart is breaking for you and your children. Glad to hear that you all are seeking help and surrounding yourselves with family and friends. They will understand the gamut of emotions you are going through.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Phentex]

43. You have every right to grieve...

I am so sorry. I was not expecting this when I opened your post. You know you can talk about it here.

I really hate this for you and your kids. Again, I'm sorry. :hug:

[Orsino]

44. I'm very sorry.

I have some idea of what my uncle's suicide did to his daughter and his ex-wife.

The living have every right, I suppose, to remember the deceased as they wish, but it is a shame that you were obligated to participate in what you found an unworthy memorial...on top of the tough business of moving on with life. Best wishes to you and the children.

[Love Bug]

45. I'm so sorry, mcctatas

My heart goes out to you and your children.

[mnhtnbb]

46. I am so sorry. I missed your original post. I hope that you are able

to find some professional help for your children and yourself as you deal with the aftermath
of your ex's suicide. Hubby is a psychiatrist and he has had a number of patients who are still dealing with the aftermath of parental suicide 20-30-40 years later. You have identified what your ex did correctly as a 'legacy' and one that will generate a lot of feelings for many years to come. I hope you will be able to find someone to help you and your children deal with the feelings now, rather than
squash them or bury them and let them fester.

:hug:

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

47. I'm sorry for the loss of your ex-husband and the father of your children

You have a right to each and every one of the feelings you are having but please do not blame yourself.

Please seek counseling for your children so they can cope with this life shattering event. Best wishes to your family from a fellow suicide survivor.

[Deep13]

48. Wow. So sorry to hear it. ...

It's not your fault. You had no control over what he did.

Sorry to hear that Christianity has claimed another victim. Your former in-laws are fools. Their foolishness is at least a contributing cause of a family tragedy. God does not fix mental illness or anything else. I'd be angry too.

:cry:

[BlueIris]

49. Terribly sorry for what you are going through. nt

[guitar man]

50. So sorry to hear

:( :hug:

I can relate, albeit in a small way. I had a very dear friend take his own life several years ago, he was a fellow musician I had spent a lot of time performing in bands with, some of it on the road.

His parents were stone cold fundie zealots too. He had developed a bad drinking problem and would not stop driving and eventually wound up doing some prison time for multiple DUI. He was a diminutive guy and not a street fighter type at all so I can only imagine what happened to him in prison. :(

When he got out of the can he was despondent and depressed, and of course flat broke. I begged his parents to help him get some psychiatric help and got the same response you did, that he needed to "get away from all his scummy musician friends and get right with the lord"

We were all shut out of the funeral, not allowed to attend. I miss Jeff a whole lot and think about him every day.

Grieve all you need to and above all, please don't blame yourself :hug: :hug:

[nolabear]

51. I am so sorry. This is NOT your fault. Your life deserves to go on.

I don't know a thing about your situation but as a therapist I do know that if someone decides to die no one else bears the responsibility for that. "What ifs" mean nothing. You have every right to every feeling you describe, and I am terribly sorry for the loss you and your children are suffering. My one piece of advice is to help THEM realize that they are not to blame either, are not at fault, that in the final analysis this awful thing had nothing to do with who or what they (or you) are. They, or you, could no more have cured your husband than you could have performed open heart surgery on him.

Talking is a good thing. You might want to do it with someone who has your best interest at heart. I hope you find peace.

[Tobin S.]

52. I'm very sorry to hear this

You're right, God does not fix mental illness. If only it were that easy. It's one of the least understood problems in our society, not only by regular folks, but by our brightest minds. The poor souls that are taken by it tell the tale, but despite that, it is often a problem that gets swept under the rug.

I wish you peace. :hug:

[av8rdave]

53. I am so sorry

My heart goes out to you and yours.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

54. sorry sweetheart

many many hugs and kisses for you

[DFW]

55. The important thing is.....

You have every right to feel the way you do, and never ever shoulder guilt that isn't yours.

You seem to realize it, even if you aren't getting a lot of support right now. Congratulations
on your inner strength, even if you feel it ebbing temporarily. Yes, you WILL be OK.

In the meantime you have a LOT of virtual shoulders to lean on here.

[latebloomer]

56. I am so sorry for what you're going through

To repeat what others have said, you are entitled to every contradictory emotion you are experiencing. Definitely get help for you and the kids once the dust settles a bit.

Light and Love to you all.

[foxfeet]

57. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I wish peace, comfort and healing for you and your children. When (if) you are ready, check out support resources in your area for survivors of suicide. It's probably too soon, too fresh now. You don't have to "fix" anything at the moment. Just take care of yourself and the kids.

[Haole Girl]

58. Oh no. Just saw this...

:cry:

Thinking of you and your children.

When you said, "...that is the shittiest part, life just goes on." I knew exactly what you meant.

:cry:

:hug:

[BuelahWitch]

59. I am sorry, don't worry about venting, you need to

:hug:

[TK421]

61. I'm very sorry

[Minimus]

62. So sorry for what you are going through.

:hug: