Is there a forum of DI for dealing with Alzheimers patients?

[bamademo]

My Dad recently died and Mom has about 5th stage Alzheimers. I have to move in and take care of her to get the house ready to go on the market. She argues about everything with me and says it's my house and you can't do anything without my permission. I reply yes I can and there's nothing you can do about it. I shouldn't engage with arguements with her but she was always so controlling and I never got along with her. I have to keep her out of the nursing home for 3 years or the state can get all our assests if I put her in a nursing home. She's not bad enough that she has to go into one right no but she requires looking after. I have Power of Attorney. I'm trying to repair the house and relandscape to put the house on the market and she fights me every step of the way. She keeps saying it's her house and I can't do a damn thing without her permission. I acutally can. Lost my patience with her and told her she had Alzheimers and I could do whatever I wanted. Really upset her and made her cry. I'm a bitch from hell but I don't care. I've never really gotten along with her and I don't give a shit what she wants anymore. I'm sacrafising my life right now to move in and take care of all this stuff but I'm sick of her arguements.

Feeling like Biggest Bitch in World. But I have this unreasonable anger towards her and it was there before the Alzheimers. Pretentious Southern Belle controlling bitch type mother.

[NYC_SKP]

1. Try the DU Seniors forum. Both my parents take Aricept.

My dad would be a vegetable without it, mom just started taking it.

I'm sorry for your loss, and best wishes for your mom.

It's very tough, I hope you'll post in the Seniors forum and that some nice DUers can share some helpful advice.

All I can say is try to be strong, try to be forgiving, she is afraid and remember, there but for the grace of God go you.

We're all getting older and many of us are going to have any number of symptoms of old age.

Best wishes.

NYC_SKP

[bamademo]

2. Thanks for replying. I'll look there.

I have been searching alzheimers forums but no one addresses the anger care-givers feel.

[Suich]

3. Have you contacted the Alzheimer Assn. yet?

http://www.alz.org/index.asp

They might be able to help you out.

I took care of my Mom but it was in my home and was only for a couple of months. I wish you the best...three years is a long time.

:hug:

[begin_within]

4. My Mom is kind of like that,

not diagnosed with Alzheimer's but often extremely confused and sometimes argumentative. The best way I have found of dealing with it is to just say "okay" to everything. That doesn't mean do what she wants done, she just wants to hear the word "okay." Mostly they just want attention and someone to agree with her. Being angry with her serves no purpose. Whenever I feel that anger starting to rise up I leave the room for a minute, or go outside and get some fresh air, and it goes away. There is no perfect way to be a caregiver. There is no way to fix her circumstances or condition. Fixing is not the goal. Care is. Perfection in the caregiving is not the goal. Love is. I know that caregiving is extremely difficult and is a gigantic burden that you have taken on yourself. It took me a long, long time to just accept who my Mom is now and accept that I can't change her or expect her to behave the way I want her to. I have mostly reached the point where I just accept that this is who she is now. They are not going to change and they are not going to learn any new ways. And that acceptance has made it a little easier. Try to get as much help as you possibly can with the caregiving. Nobody can do it alone. It is way too much for one person. You need a break from it every single day. If you have any siblings they should contribute their time just as much as you do, and if they won't they should pay for help to come in. I have gone to the caregiver support groups and meetings, and read a lot of the literature. The thing they keep saying over and over is, to be a better caregiver, take better care of yourself. Don't neglect any of your own needs - too many caregivers do. You have to maintain your health, both mental and physical, if you want to be an effective caregiver at all.

[Obamanaut]

5. Rather than alzheimers forums perhaps you could search forums

that deal with compassion. Can't see much of that happening here.

[Kali]

11. that's pretty snarky

and I think that IS what the OP is trying to do. Talk about not having compassion. taking care of an Alzheimer's victim is hard enough when the relationship was good. I couldn't imagine doing it with a lot of negative past baggage.

[Obamanaut]

16. Check out this other thread by the OP. There is a lot of concern

for self and potential inheritance, little for mom.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=8192699&mesg_id=8192699

[Kali]

18. maybe

seems to be some multigenerational emotional damage - I've seen that too

[tango-tee]

20. I very much agree with Kali's post # 18.

It's not up to us to judge this situation - simply because we can't do so from the outside looking in, with the bits of information we have to go on. All the knowledge we have is the glimpse the OP has provided.

Situations such as the OP's (from what little I can gather) can bring old hurts to the surface, magnified by time gone by, and this old pain can very well still be fermenting. Perhaps the OP is not lacking in the compassion department at all, but is simply at her wits' end and desperate? Family constellations can we wicked, and (in my opinion) none of us is in a position to judge.

At times like these, we might do well to practice compassion of our own. I see someone in a great deal of pain and anger.

[Name removed]

6. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[LeftyFingerPop]

7. There is an incredible amount of stress and family dynamics that occur...

in situations like this.

Perhaps you have been through this, or perhaps you have not.

Regardless, understanding is what is needed here, not snark.

The stress can be so bad that it can render the caregiver sick and useless if precautions are not taken and help is not received for BOTH parties involved.

Please do not make flippant comments about a specific situation in which you know nothing more about than what has been posted on a message board.

I know you have me on ignore, but you will end up reading this.

All you know about this situation is what has been typed...and that is not the full story.

[peekaloo]

8. .

:hug:

Been there.

[LeftyFingerPop]

9. I'm sorry...

me too, still there. :hug:

[tango-tee]

22. Me too, lefty.

Dealing with 27 years of Mom being paralyzed. DH had a leg amputated last year, and I came down with RA this past winter. Life sucks the Big One sometimes. But we gotta keep on truckin' one way or another, don't we?

:pals:

[LeftyFingerPop]

23. Oh no, tango-tee.

I am so sorry to hear all of this, I truly am.

The mother of one of my male friends has been paralyzed from the neck down ever since I have known her...about 30 years. She soldiers on still to this day...she is in her 80's.

Does your DH have diabetes? My best wishes go out to him.

And I'm sorry about your RA...I could tell you are a nice person from your posts. Perhaps all of this adversity makes you see things in a kind light.

You stay strong...the world needs good people like you.

:hug: :pals:

[tango-tee]

24. You have no idea how good your kind words feel.

I appreciate them so much!

A big :hug: to you!

[Kali]

10. been there

ask for and take any help you can find, make it part of your schedule to have some quality time for your self - a mental haven on a regular basis.

Taking care of someone who has never treated you well sounds difficult. I took care of my Grandfather. He was my most favorite adult as a child but he became very difficult in the last 5 or 10 years of his life. I remember being on the edge many times with him, but now some of the incidents are downright funny. I was fortunate in moving down here with a new baby - that gave Grampa a "job" looking after him, and since my son was basically immobile I could put him in a play pen in the yard and Grampa would sit out on the porch swing "baby sitting". I could get stuff done in the house and keep an eye on both of them out the window or bringing iced tea or snacks out.

Then when he became more bedridden, my son would cruise the house in his walker - his rounds were frequent enough to entertain Grampa but not too much that he got agitated. I used that kid!

A few sessions with a mental health worker might give you some strategies for coping with the day to day stress - if you can afford it or if it is available please give it a look. Good luck and take care of yourself too.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

12. Biggest bitch? Unreasonable anger?

True or not, you probably need some help yourself. I think bitchiness and anger would be normal reactions to an abnormal and unfortunate situation.

http://helpguide.org/elder/alzheimers_disease_dementia_support_caregiver.htm

That's one link, I'm sure there's more. Good luck with this difficult role.

:hi:

[Blue Diadem]

13. The Nine A's of Alzheimers care

The Nine A's of Alzheimers care
Arguments are useless. In fact, the more you reason, rationalize and argue, the more your patient will dig their heels in. Find ways to always let your patient be right.

Allow your patient as much freedom as possible. They resent their loss of autonomy. Try to walk the fine line of keeping your patient safe and making them happy.

Actions,facial expressions and your tone of voice speak louder than words. What you communicate nonverbally is critical.

Appreciate good moments and good days, without riding an emotional rollercoaster. Learn to cherish the little things.

Appropriate activities help pass time, reduce agitation and reduce boredom. What a patient says they can do and what they actually can do are not the same thing.

Agitation can be reduced when the caregiver stays calm, reassuring and respectful.

Adults are still adults, always treat your patient with dignity and respect – but remember that your number one goal is to keep them safe.

Adapt because your patient cannot change. Because they can no longer do all the things they once could, you must adapt.

Assess and reassess often. What is safe and effective for now, may no be so later. Keep watching and evaluating.

(adapted from A Practical Guide for the Alzheimer’s Caregivers, Alzheimer’s Aid Society of Northern California)

[Blue Diadem]

14. National caregiver alliance with links for your state:

http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/fcn_content_node.jsp?nodeid=2092

[yankeepants]

15. I went through this

When I knew I was not going to be able to handle my mother any longer I had to do something. It came down to her or me keeping what was left of our wits.

The idea of keeping your mom out a nursing home for three years may not be realistic. I understand the economics believe me. I found an affordable adult home (different than nursing home)that worked with me on a monthly price that was the equivalent of my mom's SS and her pension. The staff was very good at helping me get her in there and making her feel at home.

In the meantime, like the others said, do not respond to her rages. Walk away. The staff at the home also taught me that lying to them is essential. Whatever is necessary to ease their minds, do it.

It was for me the most difficult times of my life. Wishing you peace.

[Captain Hilts]

17. Get thee a social worker before it affects you. nt

[tango-tee]

19. Bamademo, you are not the biggest bitch in the world by a long shot.

Taking care of someone afflicted with an illness like Alzheimer's - or any other chronic debilitating condition - is very, very difficult.

Reading your post, it seems you haven't had the best of relations with your mother. I respect you so much more in that case for taking on the task of caring for her. I speak from experience. My mother has been paralyzed for 27 years, and being a caretaker is *hard*. My mom was somewhat of a Queen Bee in her younger years, which made growing up around her difficult.

If you need a shoulder to lean on, please PM me. I have the feeling I know what you're talking about. So many emotions are coming to the surface at such a rough time, and you're on an emotional roller coaster ride trying to come to grips with them. Please let me hear from you.

[BurtWorm]

21. Don't beat up on yourself for your own feelings.

Be good to yourself. Your going in search of support is a really good move in that direction.