I have been stabbing myself repeatedly in the face with a pencil all day.

[LeftyFingerPop]

but that does not seem to be helping.

*sigh*

I'm going to try a barbed wire enema next.

If that does not work, I am sorry to say that I am going to have to resort to drugs.

*sigh*

Please don't judge me...as you can see, I done everything possible before resorting to drugs.

[BlueJazz]

1. Well...you know, I like getting Razor Blades...putting them in a long 2X4,..

...and sliding down the board on my Butt.
After that...Life seems pretty damn nice.. :)

[LeftyFingerPop]

3. I tried that yesterday...

didn't work. :)

[Kali]

2. you forgot to try

ramming your shin into a sharp metal edge as hard as you can (or get a helper to use a shovel)

[LeftyFingerPop]

4. I'll try that, Kali...

Good advice like this is why I come to DU.

[Kutjara]

5. Frankly, I can't see the point.

<rimshot>

[SoxFan]

6. Again?

[bluesbassman]

7. Obviously your problem is improper selection of instrument...

This would work much better.

Or you could turn it around, but I think using the whole bird is the preferred method.