Don't you hate the feeling that people are only conditionally accepting you?

[lightningandsnow]

I was at a Chabad shabbat dinner for students last night. (Yes, I know me + Chabad is not the greatest mix, but I usually have a lot of fun and have been getting back into Judaism lately.)

I met this guy who seemed really nice, we talked a lot and I added him on facebook.

Right after I added him, I noticed that he's a "fan" of the National Organization for Marriage. :puke:

I really, really hate that he was only being nice to me under the assumption I was straight.

[applegrove]

1. That would really hurt. So sorry you have to put up with that crap.

[Skittles]

2. give that bigoted fuck some hell

go on, do it

[Fleshdancer]

3. I personally believe....

This guy is a homophobic ass. Either FB ignore him or FB challenge him on EVERYTHING. Either way, you would be in the right because he's a bigot.

[PaddyBlueEyes]

4. In life

sometimes you are going to meet nice people, whom you disagree with politically. I would not necessarily assume, he was only being nice to you because he thought you were straight. If he is a nice guy, and treats you kindly, accept it and be glad you made a friend. I have close conservative friends and we debate issues, but in a open and honest way. We all dont think alike, if we did the world would be a very boring place.

[miscsoc]

6. yeah but

the NOM is an organisation devoted to promoting bigotry and persecution. It's not like the guy just expressed approval of deregulation or lower marginal tax rates or something

[alphafemale]

5. Um...what?

Why would you assume, he assumed that?

My guess is that he didn't have thought one to your sexual identity.

Did you perhaps feel an attraction and assume he was likewise attracted?

I don't drop friends for being politically conservative. And though your new friend may be either straight or deep in the denial closet, so what? Some of the people that I know as rabid Beckites are openly gay. How they internalize and live wih that quandry is none of my business.

I find it astoundingly and breathtakingly odd that someone who is openly and proudly gay could be in lockstep with a movement that hates them...but it does happen.

[stray cat]

7. It sounds like your acceptance was based on thinking he had certain values identical to yours

[PassingFair]

8. Well, it's only fair ....

after all, you were only being nice to HIM under the
assumption that he wasn't a total dick!

And yes, supporting that "organization" puts him
squarely in Dicksville.

[abq e streeter]

9. I try to assume innocent until proven guilty....a couple of possibilities here

although it may very well be that he's a fundie (yes, we Jews certainly have them too unfortunately) bigot.
First, he may be naive and saw the name of the group on facebook and thought, yeah, I'm in favor of marriage...and second, I recently noticed that I am a "fan" of a local thing that I have no recollection of signing on to be a fan of . Stuff like that has happened before on facebook. I started to take one of their silly "tests" ( a political one) and then thought, nah, this is stupid, and canceled it one or two questions into it. Next thing I knew, it said I'd taken the test and was a conservative:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: .

So all I'm saying, is, although you may very well be right about this guy, it's possible that you're not, and if he seemed really nice and you enjoyed talking to him, , your first impression may have very well been correct; that he IS a nice guy you enjoy being around. And if he has views about gay or bisexual people stemming from his religious upbringing, ,who knows, you may just be able to help enlighten him if you chose to continue to know him ( and of course, maybe not too). Just my 2 centavos worth, and probably not worth any more than that.

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

10. Seems to me

You're doing the same thing to him? I don't know about the clubs or membership of groups you are talking about but it seems to me, you are conditionally accepting this fellow because of his status as well. Just my 2 cents.

[Quantess]

11. Maybe he's just a friendly person.

It's possible that he doesn't think he knows any gay people, and has a lot of misconceptions. Gay marriage is one of these things that people seem to be opening up to pretty quickly, when they sit down and think about it. The support for gay marriage is increasing more and more every year. People change their minds, and it's possible that his mind will open as well.

Obviously I understand you have mixed feelings about him after this, but, I hope you keep him as an acquaintance.

Edit to add: He'll feel pretty foolish when he finds out you're a lesbian. That alone should make it worthwhile. :)

[caitxrawks]

12. my former best friend was the same way to me, only i'm an atheist.

She's a fundie Republican Christian, and I "came out" as an agnostic atheist on Facebook. Worst decision (or best???!!!) ever. She messaged me the next day and said she couldn't be my friend anymore and that she was offended because I didn't "come to her" when I suspected I wasn't a Christian.

Everyone's told me that I should just drop the thought of her, since she wasn't a "real friend" to me. But people just don't get it, we were friends for almost 13 years. I can't talk about my childhood without mentioning her.


It sucks.
Some people are just...weird.

[MiddleFingerMom]

13. The ONLY time I ever used "the N-word" in my adult life...

.
I spent one summer in college (prob about 30 years old... I was a late starter) as part of a
BIG crew renovating a dorm. A few years later, I ran into one of my co-workers (a young Black
woman -- maybe 21 at our second meeting) with her new baby. I oohed and ahhed (she WAS
a cute baby, if that's not redundant) and was just talking about... stuff... when all of a sudden,
she was complaining about one of her neighbors and "the F-word" started spewing from her mouth
rapid-fire -- and I'm not talking about the word "fuck".
.
I was stunned. I hadn't seen it coming from this otherwise sweet, bright young woman. I asked
her to stop using the word, as I found it extremely ugly and designed to do nothing more than
HURT people.
.
She looked ashamed... and apologized sincerely -- saying, "I didn't know you were gay."
.
I told her that I also hated "the N-word" (I used the actual word) for the same reason...
and asked her if she were going to assume I hated it because I am Black (I'm kind of a tannish,
pinkish guy)
.
When I said the word, her hardcore instinctive reaction was to punch me in the face (she tensed
and I saw her start). But what I had said sunk in JUST in time... and she stopped.
.
It's the only time in my life that I absolutely KNEW that I had knocked down such walls of
ignorance. I watched her... SAW her understand. I think she used the word so easily because
many around her used it so easily... and it was done without REAL thought.
.
For the OP -- you and many others may be acting disturbingly like Teabaggers... assuming the
worst from relatively flimsy "evidence" and spewing HATRED and dismissive names like "total
asshole" and "fucking bigot" when WE, of all people... as libs should know that the world is
just NOT that black-and-white.
.
He liked you. That's a powerful tool in facilitating communication and knowledge with and for
someone like that. You may just confuse the, ahem... bejesus out of him and cause him to
question the true assholes -- the ones he's been programmed to "respect" due to their positions.
.
You certainly don't owe him an education... but you may owe yourself the opportunity
for what, at the end of Casablanca, Bogart called, "the beginning of a beautiful friendship"
Talk to him. In someone so otherwise nice, you may find value that you seem to be turning a
blind eye to now -- much as HE may have turned a blind eye to you if he had known about that
part of you. You may find that he's innocent, or more likely ignorant in the true sense of the
word -- mis- or uneducated. You may be his first knowing exposure to "one of you people" :P --
and as such a potential eye-opener to reality.
.
Was it Pogo who said 60 years ago or more that "We have seen the enemy, and he is us."?
.
He MAY not be better than your initial presumption -- but you don't know that. I have a suspicion,
once you get over your understandable hurt... that you ARE better than that.
.
Be you. Just don't be him (what MAY be him) in a hardcore instinctive (understandable...
momentarily) reaction to punch him in the face. Repeatedly.
.