How do you cope, what do you do when you just keep getting bad news followed by more

[grace0418]

bad news? I mean, aside from prayer, that just doesn't work for me and I can't imagine it ever will.

Every time I talk to a loved one lately I hear more bad news: layoffs, cancer, affairs, divorce, bankruptcy, exes taking children away, brain injury causing complete personality changes and family strife (and more divorce). I seriously have not had a conversation with a family member in the last 6 months that didn't reveal more terrible, heartbreaking news. I just don't know how to cope any more. I'm not having the easiest time myself lately, but I don't even feel like I can talk about my problems with anyone because their situation is infinitely worse.

Any ideas anyone? I'm going to just start crying soon and never stop.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear grace...

I'm so sorry, sweetie, I just now saw your thread; I would have answered sooner if I'd seen it...

When I have bad things happening, I get out and mingle with people who can help me.

Have you thought about a support group, or a therapist? Those can be very useful when you're surrounded by loss and grief...

Hang in there, sweetie...

I've got your back, for what it's worth.

:hug:

[Initech]

2. I've been wondering that myself.

I mean shit it seems every time I turn around I hear bad news - a lot of deaths, cancer, divorce, bankruptcy, unemployment, you name it. The worst was I saw an old friend of mine a couple of weeks back who was physically disabled in a car accident and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I mean shit just sucks a lot of the time, it's one of those things you have to deal with I guess.

[tango-tee]

3. There are times

when so much that is awful in the world seems to concentrate and come at you all at once.

I've been through such rough patches myself. What makes it hard on you is that you feel you can't talk about your own problems, since the others have it so much more difficult. So you keep your emotions bottled up, which only serves to make you feel even worse.

I only wish I could help you. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing, there are so many kind people here at DU, we will be glad to listen.

Maybe having a really good cry would be a release?

Here's a big box of Cyber-Kleenex and :grouphug:

[abq e streeter]

4. I'm not sure I know what to say that wouldn't sound condescending or shallow, but

I'll try and please forgive me if it comes out one of those ways...I just hope that these sad events start to be balanced soon with happier ones....But I want to relate a story about how I believe laughter may have saved my father's life 2 years ago . That's when his beloved wife of 38 years ( not technically my step-mother, but I thought of her, and referred to her , that way). He witnessed her having the stroke that took her life later that day...He was devastated, and seemed like he lost the will to live . My brother and I were very concerned that he'd be gone soon too. We both though that if we could get him to laugh at something, anything, that it possibly would help. It was a Saturday night, several days after her funeral, and in Chicago ( where you are too, I see) the 3 Stooges are on for 2 hours on Sat. nights. ( I think this specific method might only work for guys; after all it IS the Stooges, but the general point is the same). We turned the TV on and told him something stupid and silly to laugh at would be good for him. He kept saying how he didn't want to smile or laugh, but just wanted to stay in his broken-hearted, almost not wanting to go on living state of mind. He did, however, say to turn it on if we wanted. And after a few minutes, he started actually watching it, and after a little while longer, we saw the slightest hint of a smile creep onto his face for the first time since Ellie died, and soon after, he actually laughed out loud ( I know, I know, it's a guy thing) and from that moment on, we were pretty sure he was going to be OK... well, he'll be 92 next week ( I'm going there for his birthday) and he's thriving at his new retirement apt ( not assisted living either) with lots of new friends, activities ( and the Stooges most Saturday nights; my sister in law jokingly accuses my brother and I of "corrupting" him) and of course, moments of loneliness too.The point of this dragged out for too long story ( sorry 'bout that) is that maybe you can set aside time to somehow try to laugh , even in the midst of all the sadness that is surrounding you; renting funny movies, whatever, but somehow try to allow yourself to laugh. I wish you peace of mind and a happier life soon, Grace, abq e sreeter

[RFKHumphreyObama]

5. I know how you feel

My life's been like that for almost the past decade. For me, I have found some solace in prayer and my writing. Can you talk to a counselor or something perhaps? Or can you indulge more in doing things that you enjoy/that takes your mind off things?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It isn't easy, I know:hug:

[grasswire]

6. mercury is in retrograde

that's how someone explained the drama and the tragedies to me last week. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that there's a layer of worry in the land over the economy that exacerbates a lot of other troubles. Money troubles make relationships fail, people get sicker, depressed, etc.

Where does it end? When does it stop?

I guess the only thing a person can do is to try to make joy in the world, in some small daily way. A bright pot of flowers in the window. A hand-written letter. Cookies. Kindness. Music. Beauty.

I have started smiling at every little child I see, and telling mothers how beautiful their kids are and how lucky they are. That's a little mood lifter.

Best wishes. One day at a time.

[hippywife]

7. Not very well, I'm afraid.

I've had to resort to meds, unfortunately. The world is turning me into someone I don't recognize anymore. It's like a huge minefield and I stand frozen most of the time, afraid to even move. Nothing makes me happy for very long at all.

I hope you can find your way through all of this, grace. :hug:

[GoCubsGo]

18. Ditto.

What you said sounds a lot like me. But, I'm a stress-eater, and food is my meds. Gained 30 pounds over the past 3 years thanks to getting laid off, not being able to find employment other than an occasional temp job, mom having a cancer relapse with brain damage as a side effect, my older sister has no job and needs surgery, my oldest cat died... I'm amazed I haven't turned into an alcoholic or slit my wrists. Or, wound up in jail. I'm getting really, really intolerant of all the idiots out there.

At least I have my two kitties, plus exercise helps somewhat. It kept my weight gain to 30 lbs in 3 years, and not 100 in 6 months, like that poor woman on the Dr. Oz Show last week.

I hope things get better for everyone here who has been kicked in the teeth by life lately.

[hippywife]

19. Oh yeah...

I forgot about stress eating. That, too. :eyes:

Sounds like you are dealing with a lot more than I am. I wish you well, sweetie.

And for everyone else trying to cope.

[stray cat]

8. It sounds like alot of painful adjustments - I'm sorry.

One foot in front of the other for the time being - keep moving and active and treat yourself well when ever you get a chance - for me its sometimes something as small as a latte on the way to work.

[Bucky]

9. I dig in, hunker down, and power through it. I give it all I got and apply more elbow grease.

Me and Jack Daniels can get through any crisis. If Jack ain't your crack, I can also recommend a strategy of building up good stuff and rewarding experiences--coffee date with a good, drama-free friend; making some kind of art project with a tangible end product; going to a museum or just getting the hell out of Dodge for a day, maybe finding a poetry group or walking group to trigger your endorphins. It's too bad prayer doesn't help you, but I can strongly recommend going to a church for the social outlets.

Usually you can't cure the bad stuff in life by injecting new good stuff into your waking hours, but you can build up your emotional reserves with induced positivity, even if it feels like it's artificially induced. That's what I'd do and I know that's what my good buddy Jack Daniels would do.

[madamesilverspurs]

10. It can be tough, that's for sure.

But I did find something that has yet to fail: volunteering. Or, as a dear friend puts it, getting out of myself for a while.

In my case, putting in a few hours at the food bank each week helps to keep me on a more even keel; having been a 'customer' of the food bank I know the value of a smiling face with no judgement attached. And volunteering puts me in touch with others who like the idea of 'giving back', and they continue to be a source of support and encouragement.

The difficulties in life will continue for all of us, and I don't have the ability to change that simple fact. But getting out of myself keeps me from being frustrated that I don't have all the answers for the people in my life. It's not my job to have the answers (which is actually a good thing!), but I can offer ears to listen, arms to hug, a shoulder to cry on. And volunteering gives me the energy needed to just 'be there'.

Good luck to you!

--

[MiddleFingerMom]

11. Some good advice in this thread...

.
Taking charge of/responsibility for/owning our own feelings about and reactions to and
perceptions of the world around us can SOMETIMES be key.
.
Sometimes life is one big suck after another. Fortuna's Wheel, karma, balance, just
plain law of odds, pendulum -- whatever -- BUT (and if there's one thing MiddleFingerMom
knows about... it's a big BUT), that pendulum does... eventually... swing back the other
way. ALWAYS... except maybe in case of personal terminal illness. MAYBE.
.
The words on laughter were good. I used to have a 1-hr comedy radio show and, every
once in a great while, I would get a call that would be so innocently and unavoidably
inspirational that it alone would make all the work I did for that show worthwhile.
.
These folks would be suffering from atrocious personal problems/illnesses, yet would --
and here's the key word -- DECIDE to take/"give themselves" a break from that
everpresent overwhelming weight and LAUGH. What I was doing didn't have the
irresistible omnipotence of that eighth pie in 14 seconds to Moe's face , but they
CHOSE to set aside the horrors and let in the joys. Even if for just a little while. It
is unavoidably therapeutic.
.
Myself definitely included, we can ALL focus too much on the negatives -- sometimes
allowing them -- ALLOWING them -- to SEEM like the only things in our lives.
.
My biggest suggestion is that you MAKE yourself sit down and think of something
good in your life.
.
Be patient. Life CAN suck. It may take awhile. Where's the fire, chief?
.
Write it down (copy, paste & print, whatever).
.
Then MAKE yourself sit there and think of something ELSE good in your life.
.
Write it down (copy, paste & print, whatever).
.
Rinse & repeat.
.
Keep at it. On more than one occasion.
.
You've allowed - ALLOWED - yourself to fixate on what is ultimately the "unhealthy
negative". Allow - ALLOW - yourself to fixate on the "healthy positives" for awhile.
.
They don't have to be monumental positives. Start small and, something tells me, if
you actually give it a chance, the positives will sneak up alongside you and startle
the hell out of you -- and you may wonder how they stayed so well-hidden.
.
(hint: they're ninjas).
.
Be less passive (allowing the world to overwhelm). Be more aggressive (actively DENY
it the right to be overwhelming). Take charge. Take responsibility. Own your life.
.
Mask. The movie with Eric Stoltz and Cher and Sam Ellott's mustache. A hardcore
feel good/feel bad movie if there ever were one. It has this poem by Rocky (the lead
character):
.
These things are good: ice cream and cake, a ride on a harley, seeing monkeys in
the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are
a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun
shining on my face.
.
.
.
What's your poem?
.

[Swede]

12. I'm not sure how I got through the last decade.

I lost mom and dad,my grama,aunts uncles and cousins in the last 10 years,then 2 of my best friends died last year.

Maybe you get numb?

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

13. Hi Grace

Prayer isn't designed to remove pain so much as it's away to handle it.........

[kimi]

14. Bless your heart

There's a lot that's been written in this thread that's very good advice. To me, that's a huge positive. Life sucks and can be extraordinarily crappy at times, but there is this thread, and these folks who care, and that's a good thing. I hope things get better for you, and that the clouds part soon. The sun is up there, if only the darn clouds would get out of the way. Best wishes.

[Chan790]

15. Self-love.

I love me...more than once if necessary.

[grace0418]

16. THANKS EVERYONE.

I feel a bit better today. Not that anything has gotten any better for those I love, but I am just feeling a little stronger. I really want to hear some good news from someone for once.

:hug:

[pitohui]

17. i don't answer the phone

i'm not claiming that it's a healthy way to cope but when others are overloading me w. their issues it's definitely one way i do cope

i'm not a shrink and i'm not qualified to be an unpaid therapist, if you're being burdened by all the bad news and you can't do anything abt it, which most of the time you can't, it's fair to distance yourself from the situation

if you can afford it, go hiking somewhere and don't bring the cell phone, or some people i know do the beach and don't bring the cell phone, being in a foreign country or in some mountain wilderness is the ultimate excuse for being out of touch

they will find somebody else to dump the bad news onto, we are not so indispensible as we may think

take care of yourself for awhile is my advice

[applegrove]

20. Just remember the time in your life when you came into your own self and had

success here and there. I went through a renaissance when I was twenty five after a long sick friendship ended. After taking ownership of my shit I realized I was a really nice person and had been selling myself short for 15 years.

Remember those times in your life when you had "good growth". Relive those times. Cause you need the good times to balance out the bad at times.

[applegrove]

21. Remember good times with great friends. I do that all the time.

[Jade Fox]

22. Go ahead and cry....

Seriously. (You will stop)

Crying long and hard (until you can't cry anymore) releases stress, clears your head, and even clears toxins from your body.

[Odin2005]

23. I don't know. Last year was shit for me and yet I came through somehow.

Flooding, my fiend with cerebral palsy getting raped, and both my stepdad and my grandmother dying. :( The first 3 happening within a month of each other.

I know I cried a lot. :cry:

The 2nd and 3rd things were especially psychologically devastating to me.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

24. Friends and faith

I just hold on tight to my friends and my faith.

I kid around a lot on DU, and that's a form of release for me, but I've gotta tell you...some days hurt like holy jumping hell. Yesterday was one of them, and a lot of what happened yesterday carried over into today, too.

I've also trained myself to not look at people who seem to be getting a free ride through life with anger or resentment. Some people like to say "Well, it may LOOK like they're getting a free ride, but they have their problems too."

Maybe...but I remember the time I went for some counseling right after my mom died, and the counselor told me about a young yuppie sort of couple he's been working with. They both sat on his sofa and wept openly. He asked them what was wrong and it turned out they had purchased matching BMWs at the local dealership, but the cars that arrived were the wrong color.

The counselor heard this story the week he'd returned from a mission trip to Eastern Europe, where he witnessed...among other things...gypsies living in caves and grilling rats over open flames for their dinner.

Friends and faith. Nothing else matters. We can't fix the world, and we can't allow it to crush us, either.

:grouphug:

[Withywindle]

25. A lot of good advice in this thread.

I've felt that way too - the last few years have been a long process of losing so many things that were important to me, and I certainly haven't had enough new good things to remotely come close to compensating. And yet there are so many tragedies around me that run so much deeper, I feel guilty even taking any time to mourn my LTR breakup (and the following necessary and expensive move that I never wanted), my cat's passing (while I was out of the country and never got a chance to say goodbye), my layoff from my job of 15 years, losing my health insurance with no alternative I could afford in sight, my parents having to sell my childhood home against THEIR will....yeah. Ultimately I feel they're first-world problems, compared to all the people I know who've had even worse griefs and tragedies, remembering the friends I lost early in life who never got a chance to experience their 20s, much less their 40s. Is this really what life is? Loss upon loss upon loss?

:hug: :hug:

The best advice in this thread, IMO, is that which says: (1) Reserve space for your own pain. Take time to cry for your own personal sorrow and don't feel guilty about it, and (2) Reserve space to laugh. Whatever it is that YOU PERSONALLY find hilarious, reserve space and time to indulge in it and enjoy it fully, and don't feel guilty about that either.

And keep reaching out. Keep talking to us. We'll be here, and (at least most of us) won't judge.

[gimama]

26. Be Kind & Gentle with YourSELF

& it's ok,expressing Your sadness by crying,
(or anger, confusion, in appropriate ways) is Human & Healing..
give YourSelf permission, & a 'safe' place/time to express Your feelings.

..In MY past 'dark times', I've found amazing enCouragement, strength, HOPE,
by helping someOne else..it can be as simple as helping an overwhelmed Friend
with housework, or listening to a 'stranger' who just needs someOne to talk to.

..talk with a goood Friend, or a goood counselor..
..come to DU..there are some sweeet, wise Souls on here!

Do things that are special to YOU, especially outdoors, in Nature..
I used to hike in the Woods alot, now I walk the Beach..
between the physical activity, the solitary PEACE-full time, & the Beauty around me,
it is a wonderful way to give my concerns to the Universe, & find answers or comfort.

Remember there are cycles in our Lives..& that these bad times are temporary.

VISUALIZE..the PERFECT outcomes, Your Loved Ones Happy/Healed, the best circumstances..
the Brain cannot tell the difference in the 'real' thing & a Visualization, the same Healing chemicals will flow..& I think it gives the Universe the right vibe for goood to happen.

Be kind & gentle with YourSELF. Be Blessed~===]

[nolabear]

27. This isn't meant to be professional advice, but this is sometimes what I tell patients.

It's all right not to take on everyone's troubles, but sometimes when you're used to it, when it's part of who you want to be (an empathic, good person) you can absorb more than is healthy for you. Our brains are designed to keep us from harm by predicting the future, whether it's seconds from now or years. But when you get too much trauma dumped on you, you can begin to predict that things will turn out badly without knowing they will, and without being able to really affect the outcome in any way. So you end up feeling helpless and scared about things that haven't happened. It helps sometimes to remind yourself of that.

Surrendering to the fact that you can help some things and that it's okay not to suffer needlessly over what you can't isn't just for AA. It's good advice in general. It doesn't make you unfeeling.

Take care of yourself in all the basic ways. Good luck--and don't worry about crying.