Global Warming Threatens North Pole Factories

[Nederland]

Santa's elves issued a press release today, decrying the world's lack of concrete action on global warming during the failed Copenhagen talks. "I don't think people fully understand our situation", explained Jingle, one of Santa's elves most concerned about the failure of the conference. "This entire workshop rests on nothing but ice. In a very short time, this entire factory may find itself at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean." The melting ice cap poses a serious threat to the thriving toy industry that operates all year round but famously only makes deliveries once a year on Christmas day. "Last year we tried to send a message to some of the world's most influential leaders by putting lumps of coal in their stockings", said Jingle. "Do you know what that asshole Bush did with his? He burned it! I mean, not only did the guy not take the hint, he made the problem worse by adding even more CO2 to the atmosphere" a clearly exasperated Jingle moaned. "We had great hopes when Obama took office, but now we are not so sure". The small silver bells on the elf's green hat chimed softly as he slowly shook his head back and forth.

A key problem is that many people simply don't care. "Why should we care about what happens at the North Pole?", said Mohammad al-Sabban, Saudi Arabia’s representative to the UN climate change talks. "We are Muslims. What difference does it make to us if an organization that exists solely for the benefit of Christians has a little difficulty?" Sabban dismissed allegations that Saudi Arabia is still bitter about the fact that 20 years ago Santa's factory dismantled its oil burning furnace after building a new state of the art factory that made use of passive solar design and photo-voltaic panels. Not everyone in the Muslim world is quite so hostile however. Dubai has offered to use its expertise in creating the world's first indoor ski resort to help out the threatened elves. Plans have been drawn up for a massive floating artificial island, complete with transparent dome and state of the art snow making equipment. The design attempts to recreate the frigid temperatures the elves are used to by running 72 oil powered refrigeration units that are spread out along the perimeter of the island. Paying for such a feat of engineering could prove difficult however, because the North Pole elvish community is a cashless society.

It is difficult to say what will happen. "We are looking at all our options", said Jangle, chief union representative of Santa's elves. The union has begun preliminary negotiations with Mattel, Inc., the world's largest toy manufacture, regarding possible relocation of the factory. It is trying to strike a deal in which the multinational toy making competitor would fund the construction of a new toy factory in exchange for an equity stake in the North Pole outfit. Wall Street analysts are sour on the deal, pointing out that the Claus enterprise is an entirely charity driven operation that has never posted a profit in it's entire two millennia existence. "What's the point in obtaining an equity stake in something that doesn't make a profit?", asked Gordon Gekko, an analyst at Goldman Sachs. "Gekko's an idiot", responded Jangle when asked about the analyst's opposition. "I mean, here is a guy who gets a 120 million dollar bonus while working at a company that has received billions in US taxpayer dollars, and I'm the one that works for a charity outfit? Besides, Mattel understands the value in the Santa brand, even if it won't make any actual profits from it's partial ownership. The cross promotional opportunities alone could be worth millions."

This type of talk worries many members of the world's largest non-human union. "I think Jangle has the best of intentions", said Hermey, a factory worker that also serves as the workers only dentist. "However, all this talk of money and profit is a little foreign to us elves. We've always lived by the motto 'From each according to his ability, to each according to his need'. I wonder if something like the Mattel deal would take us too far from our founding principles." Many are opposed to a move of any kind, wondering how people would react to a Santa operation based out of Xinjiang province, the location that Mattel has proposed for the new factory. "We also wonder if Mattel would honor existing labor contracts," mused one worker. "I mean, China isn't exactly a labor friendly place."

While Santa declined to comment, one wonders what world leaders will be making this year's "Nice" list.