Christmas Humor

[Dr. Strange]

You know, whether you put up a Christmas tree, light a Menorah for Hanukkah, celebrate the Seven Principles of Kwanzaa, or do that freaking yodeling crap before the reading of the Midlotivity, I think everyone likes to have a good laugh now and then. So come, let us share some seasonal humor.

Ever wonder when the practice of putting angels on top of Christmas Trees began? I heard this tale on the radio, many years ago.



One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip--but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. "Son of a &*$#$^#" Santa mumbled. this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. "Son of a $*^#$%(!@" Santa mumbled again.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Once again, "Son of a $%^@$^!" Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. "Son of a @%^@$%@" he yelled.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! To honor your work and tireless dedication, we have decorated this tree, just for you! Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

[Dr. Strange]

1. Chet, the Christmas Parrot

One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her.

He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named "Chet," who sings Christmas carols.

The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks to see Chet in action.

The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."

The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?"

So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.

He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."

The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."

The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?"

The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."