Is it just me or does every women feel self-conscious about her body?

[SarahB]

Over the past year or so, as a few people know, I finally dropped most of my baby weight that was put on over the years. Now, I'm within about 5 pounds of my healthy range and very happy about it and feel so much better both physically and emotionally. However, I now feel so self conscious. I had on what I thought was a reasonably respectable outfit recently and someone made comments to me that made me feel like they thought my intent was to look sleazy, but it wasn't so much what I wore, but how I'm shaped, which is just the way I am. I want to look attractive, but I want to look tasteful and actually be listened to for what I have to say at the same time. This was the one easier thing about being heavier.

I know there are worse problems in this world, but it just sucks how women are so picked apart in our culture for their body, that no matter what, you feel self-conscious sometimes. Burkas do have their purpose sometimes. :grr:

edit: grammar error

[Dogmudgeon]

1. Never good enough?

You're fine just the way you are. (Yes, I saw the pictures.)

Persuading people that they aren't good enough in some way is one of the biggest social control mechanisms going. It allows the predators to grab what they want and hand us the bill.

So ... be sexy for Democracy!

--bkl

[SarahB]

31. It is a social control

"Buy this toothpaste and your life will be great." "Drink this beer and the girls will all swoon." Buy. Buy. Buy. Spend. Spend. Spend. It's all so meaningless really.

Sexy for Democracy, huh? I'll try. :)

[KissMyAsscroft]

2. Ahh...they are just haters..

Be yo fine ass self, and take that wine off a da shelf....


Yeeeeeeeeah.

(read in Barry White voice for full effect)

[MrScorpio]

3. You're a red-head

You'll always be A #1 in MrScorpio's book.

[camero]

4. You just ran into an animal

Guys do too in a certain way. Believe it or not, there have been alot of women who I was afraid to approach because I thought I was too thin for them. As I gained weight, it got easier.

Totally the opposite of what you are going through but it's self-conscious none the less. Don't let them get to you. Just wear what's comfortable.

[SarahB]

5. It wasn't a man, it was a woman

Men are one side of the coin because I notice a difference with how I'm treated. Mostly, it's good (except for some instances of inappropriate comments from one man), but with women it's a whole different thing. If I lived in Manhattan, or LA, or Miami, I've just blend in, probably looking rather plain compared to many women, but in the mom crowd in suburban middle class New England, I stand out more and I find now, there are some women just can't seem to be happy for another woman's good fortune or different choices even. I don't get women and I am one.

[camero]

7. oops sorry

I can only guess but I think it's more cultural than anything. Alot more churches and such in the suburbs than in the cities so some tend to stand out so to speak.

Or it's just the King of the Hill syndrome. Some just have to put others down to make themselves feel better.

Frankly I like a nice face, the rest is just window dressing.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

[ant]

11. the battle for male attention

I think the biggest enemy women face sometimes is other women. They're always sizing each other up to see what the competition is, and honestly I don't think they're as intimidated by someone who's smarter as they are by someone who's prettier. The worst are often quick to bring someone down the minute she starts to stand out. I spent K through college in all girl schools, so I've seen the worst of it firsthand.

Ani DiFranco has a great line in one of her songs:

God help you if you are an ugly girl
Course too pretty is also your doom
'Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room


Be happy for yourself, and don't let those "friends" who aren't happy for you bring you down. Congratulations on a healthier you!

[SarahB]

17. It's not even just physical stuff

I've had experiences with female friends, where as mothers, always feel they have to justify whether they worked outside the home or stayed home with the kids (I've been both, mostly working part-time). Or women force other women to justify the number of children they have and ask personal-none-of-their-business questions if they don't have children, don't have enough of them, or have too many.

It's a tough enough world and men don't seem to do this stuff to the extent women do. I just don't get why so many women seem to fall into this silly game.

[ant]

28. social pressures

Look at the cover of Time magazine this past week. Women are judged a lot in ways men aren't. If you stay home, you're not living up to your potential. If you have a career, you're ruining your kids' lives. Are you a good enough mother? A good enough wife? Are you beautiful? Domestic-y in that martha stewart way? But all along also finding time for the "just for you" stuff?

So many pressures from the outside...I think women tend to feel better when their friends are "with them," making the same choices as they are. It's comforting, reassuring. I would guess it has something to do with the way women tend to be more social creatures than men are, but who knows.

[RainDog]

18. from one woman to another

enjoy yourself.

women try to control other women via social pressure...criticism and ostracism are big ones.

one reason why I've so often enjoyed the company of men friends better than women...combined with the fact that my tastes in music, film and literature are often shared by them and not other women.

this can be a problem if you're married, of course, and when you're not some guys think you're coming on to them, when you're just being friends.

so what do ya do?

...just enjoy yourself, your body, your children, and ignore anyone who tries to make you into a mom-bot.

[SarahB]

24. Mom-bot LOL

I was a Mom-bot for so long that it's a definite change, but a change I always wanted. I'm still a mom and spend many hours every day doing my momly stuff, but it feels much more human not to just define myself solely by those terms now.

It is a problem having male friends and being married. On a couple of occasions, I have had male acquaintances, but for him it seems to be an issue. Things are kind of complicated with us now for a plethora of reasons, this probably being a small one.

[boobooday]

6. Resist the fashion police!

I think I know exactly what you are talking about, because I have the same problem.

I say, screw 'em, honey. Dress for yourself. If you try to dress conservative, but are curvy, the wolves will still paw at you, if you dress in regular clothes, or even revealing clothes, and they emphasize your femininity, then people will act like you are being a sexpot.

So dress how you feel comfortable, and tell the rest of them to go to hell. I'm sick of the fashion police.

http://www.wgoeshome.com

[SarahB]

12. You have a good attitude

You're totally right though about what you said. It's like you can't win sometimes. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how I feel the most comfortable. (I like the telling people to go to Hell part though :) )

[Kat45]

37. Sarah, you just gave yourself the answer.

You said "I guess I'm still trying to figure out how I feel the most comfortable." You have been going through a lot of different things, and you're getting used to looking different and having a different attitude. I'd say that you are indeed in the process of figuring out how you feel the most comfortable, and after a bit of time, you will figure it out. Then you'll know how you want to dress, how you want to present yourself, and you will feel comfortable (and should be able to shake off what other people say--although I will admit that "shaking it off" isn't always easy to do; I still have to work at it myself.

And in answer to your original question, yes I do think most, if not all, women have issues with their appearance at some time. And as another New Englander, I'd say that people tend to dress more conservatively around here. I was at a dressed-up type event a few years ago, and a friend from California was dressed in a way that I'm sure would be normal out there, but that at this NH thing she really stood out and I'm sure many folks thought she was dressed like a bimbo.

[dolo amber]

8. I think to some degree

Not one female I know is happy with her body. Not one. Not the ones who are 5' 10" and 135 lbs...not the ones who are 5 ft and 120 lbs....none of them.

I was miserable when I wore a size 0 jeans in high school, because my chest was FAR too large for me to be that small elsewhere. Now the rest of me has...er...caught up, let's just say (;)) to my chest, but now I'm unhappy because I've got the post-child-bearing hips. So now I feel lopsided in the opposite direction. :(

I've just always felt like one part or another of me has been too noticable. I have to wonder if we weren't bombarded with 6 ft tall models who weigh as much as my 3 yr old if we'd even notice such things.....? :shrug:

[madmax]

9. I saw your pic

You're very attractive. Beautiful - even. My daughter-in-law just went thru the same thing with weight loss after 2 babies. She's down to her ideal weight and she's still complaining ;) Knock it off you guys.

You're doing great and you look great. As for someone making any negative comments, they're jealous. Pfffft!

:hug:

[BigMcLargehuge]

10. I wish there was some way to undo whatever damage fashion mags

have done to Mrs. McLargehuge.

She is the most beautiful woman on Earth, and I tell her daily how lovely she is, how much I love her, how she makes me swoon...

She pats her belly and frowns.

Sad.

But I keep on.

[coloradodem2005]

14. One thing I remember.

A few years ago, I was sitting in Dave and Busters with some friends. We had this cute waitress. She was blonde, and had a full-figured body. She was soooooooooooooo cute. I couldn't help but make eyes at her. One of my friends said something about wanting to keep his weight down, jokingly. THe waitress sort of patted her stomach saying "wait till you get to college." She mainly said that she considered herself to be fat. I felt that I had to set her straight. I just started telling her that she was not fat. My friends agreed. I then said "You're too cute to be fat." She smiled and blushed. She put her hand on my shoulder and said "You are such a flatterer. I have to go run and hide now."

I'm sorry, I just cannot bear the thought of a cute girl putting herself down. If they do, I just have to set them straight.

[camero]

30. That always gets me too

But I pretty much know why that is now. It's not something that's usually spoken between the sexes.

[SarahB]

19. She's a lucky lady

I'd have to say my husband has always been good in that regard (plus, he gained weight right along with me and also lost most of it), was perhaps even sweeter when he was the only one who noticed me much. I think men, when they love their wives and have children with them, they'd be a clod to expect "perfection" after that. I know there are some men that shallow, but it's hard to imagine.

[BigMcLargehuge]

29. I think she thinks I am pandering to her when I praise her

looks...

I wish there was something more I could do to illustrate how beautiful I think she is...

I'll just keep working at it I guess.

[pansypoo53219]

13. welcome to the world of airbrushed models

i SAW cindy crawfords 'cottage sheese'. if she can have it, so can i .
only in the HUMAN race do the females have to attract men. in nature it is the guys who have to perform. Native americans and more 'primative' cultures do as well.
bah humbug.

[SendTheGOPPacking]

15. I'm not self concious, and I'm 20 pounds overweight

I figure I have earned every lump and bump I have and I'm tall enough to carry it anyway.

[SendTheGOPPacking]

16. I feel the same way about my gray hair ...

I earned every one of them suckers!

[madmax]

21. My sentiments exactly!!

I love my salt and pepper hair. And Welcome to DU.

:hi: :toast:

[SarahB]

22. Being content is something I continually strive for

Kudos to you for having it! :toast:

[SendTheGOPPacking]

41. Wisdom born of pain, my dear.

And perhaps of just plain age.

I suspect you are young. You seem to be asking the right questions, you will find the way, I am sure. ;-)

[SarahB]

44. Not that young

I'm 32. It seems like I should be more secure here, but I'm dealing with a lot of stuff now that most people did in their early 20's. I just put a lot of things off.

[SendTheGOPPacking]

46. You are just a pup!

There is no rush. You have plenty of time.

I learned many life lessons in my 30's, and some lingered into my early 40's. Because, I was too overwhelmed with surviving to get to some lessons.

There is no set time frame. Some people never grow or learn certain lessons, so you are one of the lucky ones. Obviously you are intuitive, and smart.

I don't know what you are referring to but I know it is important and life altering for you. Just know that you are normal and not alone.

Hugs and good luck. I know that you will be okay.:)

[SOteric]

20. Hold the Burka!

It's been a long time since I had any serious issues with self-conciousness and body image. I think people of both genders are quite capable of being crude and/or thoughtless. Men who find one attractive sometimes are crude not because of who we are, but because of who they are or how they wish to see us. Sometimes, too, it's just a lack of finess on a fella's part.

No matter what you look like, it's possible to have a phase in your life when you're over-concerned about the image you project. I saw an interview with Christie Brinkley where she talked about feeling horrified that her butt looked huge in a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. I don't think a female-form-appreciating person anywhere in North America thought there was a damned thing wrong with her size or proportions. For an assortment of reasons she later attributed to things going on in her life, she didn't calm down and come to appreciate her appearance in those photos for several months.

In terms of women and catty comments, it's regrettable but true that many women have a poor concept of sisterhood. More than a few women compete with other attractive women by trying to drag them down, start mean-spirited labels for them and just plain shake their confidence. Mum always taught me that people with real class rise above it.

If you like the way you look, wear it proudly and never mind the opinions of others. (Except the special people who've earned the right to comment on your appearance).

My rule is: if 3 people, independent and unrelated to one another make the same sort of comment about something, - "What's with your hair lately, Juls. You look like you slept in a barn," -it's *possibly* worth considering. Those are the only circumstances under which I allow any negative feedback about my looks to suck up my time.

[SarahB]

25. That's one thing I never thought of

The fact that it probably is a phase in my life right now. About 2 and 1/2 years ago, after a rather harrowing personal experience, I made a vow to myself that I would begin changing the various aspects of my life I wasn't content with, so I have or am still in the process of it with other things. There have been, though, certain unexpected feelings and challenges on my part with a number of things I never expected that have nothing to do with appearance. I think I'm just at a phase where I'm either more raw or just more highly attuned to everything and I let things affect me more than I would otherwise like. Perhaps this is part of it all.

[NightTrain]

23. I've met you, Sarah. You're a beautiful woman.

Fuck society's fascist beauty standards!!!

[SarahB]

26. Awwww, thanks!

:pals:

[Lorne]

27. Women aren't the only self-concious ones...

I want to look good. I want to lose weight and get a bigger muscle mass. I want to look like a "hunk" that women always talk about.

I blame our society for making women, as well as men, so self-concious about their bodies.

But once I lose weight and get that muscle, then I'll have a more positive image about myself. :)

[SarahB]

32. Men get all sorts of junk

Frequently too, many men define their self-worth by the size of their wallets. Even those that are doing okay will see someone else have soemthing they don't and feel like they're "not enough". Men have certain physical things too, but I think the way society can pigeonhole men with the financial stuff kind of sucks too.

[camero]

33. Muscles aren't everything

I had alot of muscle when I was younger and still felt bad. Of course I was chastised by pretty much everyone for being too thin to them.
It turned into a David and Goliath complex.

Not a bad thing in itself because I got to accomplish some things. But it was hell getting a date.

[Lorne]

34. Muscles will mean everything to me.

I want to look good. I won't be able to feel better about myself until I do.

[camero]

35. There is a happy medium

You just have to find it. :)

[Lorne]

36. Hopefully.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

38. A lot of women don't like the muscular look

I'd rather have a guy who's skinny or slightly plump than one who looks as if he spends the day preening in front of the mirrors in the gym. A little muscle isn't bad, but the Arnold look is gross.

Neither gender really knows what will attract the other. A lot of women think that men prefer anorexic types, and a lot of men think that women prefer bodybuilders, and both ideas are wrong.

Just thought I'd let you know.

[SarahB]

40. Exactly!

There has to be some basic level of chemistry, but what attracts me to a man ultimately has far less to do with appearance.

[Lorne]

42. I don't want to look like Ahnold...

I just want to have good muscle tone. Oh, and btw, I don't like skinny women. I love women with curves!

[Philosophy]

48. It doesn't take much effort

Here's my self-invented diet and exercise plan that I've been on for only about a month:

1. About 1.5-2 hours of weight training 3 days a week.
2. Run two miles 3 other days a week.
3. Cut out all sugar, and most other carbs from diet.
4. Never eat until completely full, and always go to bed a little bit hungry.
5. This kind of diet take a lot of discipline. (and it's definitely not safe for anyone with any kind of metabolic disorder, FYI)

I was only about 15 pounds overweight, and I've already lost almost 10 pounds and replaced a lot more fat with muscle. In about one more month I think I should be able to see my abs.

You should really try the no sugar thing if you can hack it. You'll feel like crap for a week or two, then you're whole metabolism will suddenly change - you'll stop being hungry all the time, your energy level will shoot way up and your mind will be absolutely clear. After that eating too much sugar will actually make you feel physically ill in the same way that you felt like crap when you first got off it, so it's like self-reinforcing.

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

39. Men are judged by what they do, women by what they are

That's the bottom line. I don't know why it is that way. It can be argued it's cultural, but it seems to be built into the survival of our species. Historically, men have chosen women for their ability to conceive (as expressed in large breasts and ample hips), and women have chosen men for their ability to provide. I think that's the best explanation why we are self-conscious about our looks.

The question that's harder to answer is, why are contemporary women held to a standard of beauty that contradicts the historical norm? I have read many attempts to explain it, ranging from the devaluation of fertility in an overpopulated world, to latent homosexuality among men who will not admit to it (and therefore seek out slim-hipped, small-breasted women), to latent pedophilia among men who are so afraid of or resentful of the "liberated" (aka American) woman that they are attracted to women with prepubescent bodies.

The theory that makes the most sense to me is that men rank their masculinity by their achievements as expressed in their possessions; and just as the sleekest car and the largest home are the marks of a successful man, so is a female partner who maintains the most difficult-to-achieve combination of physical characteristics: large breasts and small hips on a well-defined, muscular frame.

Women who think they are in competition with other women will attempt to undermine by comparing bodies, wardrobes, number of children, nurturing ability, and anything else that comes to hand. I have found the simplest way to deflect these attempts is to smile, laugh and change the subject. Or agree with them - "You ARE a terrific mom" - and change the subject. Just don't let em get to you. That's what they want. :)

[TXlib]

43. It's damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I know attractive women who are worried that people will think that the only reason they have the job that they do is bcause of their physical assets.

Also, before she got a job, my wife tended to feel ostracised by many other moms in the various moms' organisations she was in. She has a better body than most and felt that the larger women avoided her. I even have noticed this behavior.

[SarahB]

45. She noticed this too?

My neighborhood is a mixture of duel income blue collar families with a splattering of professional men whose wives stay home (that's us right now). It used to be that I'd bring up subject matter in which people would look at me like I had two heads because they knew nothing in regards to cultural or political history or complexities of current events. Now, except for the few people who I've known for years- who still look at me like I have two heads for not knowing what's going on on some stupid reality TV show- most are pretty snide. I love being a mom, but I've told my husband for years I don't fit here and I'm going nuts and it's always been brushed aside. He, though, has no feeling of need to branch any new horizons of life.

[Nikia]

47. I have this problem too

Half the time, I worry that I am an ugly freak. The other half of the time, I worry that a lot of men are staring at me as a sex object. I don't really want to be seen either way, especially by men who know me. I want to be judged by my character and my actions, not by what I look like.

[bearfan454]

49. Mrs bearfan does.

She is not into visual like I am. I want to enjoy every aspect of everything, but then I am a man.

[supernova]

50. One of the advantages of age

I suppose is being able to ignore the nay-sayers. I tune them out. If I could SarahBelle, I wish I could give the same skill to you right now.

I tend to think of clothes as more costumes for certain situations, due to some of my youth spent in the theatre I suppose. Clothes from a theatrical standpoint convey: social standing, main characteristic of the character (what that character is all about), availability for sex, strength or weakness. And of course color conveys mood. I tend to dress for the occassion, to effect a certain character. My normal, around the house "me" costume can best be described as "sloppy tomboy". LOL! I have costumes for work and church, costumes for dating and nights out. It makes dressing so much more interesting and fun. :D

All that matters in the physical department is: are you healthy? Do you like the kinds of clothes you wear? Do you like the person looking back at you when you look in the mirror?

Being self-centered: It's a good thing. :-)

[Katha]

51. As a recovering anorexic

I struggle with this daily. I'm nearly twenty pounds underweight, and still each time I look in the mirror I have trouble with what I see.

Every so often I have days where I like how I look; I hope that someday that'll be just about every day.