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In most of the post I have made in the two and a half years that I have been at DU, I have been jovial and absurd. But in this post, I could not be more serious. I would just like it if anyone could help me calm down, as I am trembling right now. Please, all that respond, be gentile, as I have never shared something this personal with DU before.
Early January, I opted not to join the army after applying in early September.. This decision was devastating to my family, all of whom are military/ex-military.
my Father is a retired AF Colonel, who is currently working as a Diplomat for NATO. They haven't spoken to me since, with the exception of my sister(AF Sargent), who just had to undergo major surgery. My uncle,(retired Navy) just sent me an e-mail asking if I wanted the Obama paraphernalia that we collected wile campaigning together last year.
This was my response: (Names have been removed)
Yes, I would like these things. But more importantly, I would like a continued relationship with you.
I need time....as I'm sure you do. I haven't been able to start a dialog with anyone in the family except ---- and ----, and sadly, this is only because of ----'s resent medical problems. I want to, but I truly don't know what to say. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I had to follow my heart. And my heart told me that enlisting was wrong. I tried to defy what I felt, tried to tell myself that it was just jitters about a lifestyle change, or maybe just flat out cowardice. But it wasn't. What I did WAS the right choice for ME. I admit, a little more tact would have been better, and I am sorry that I got the entire family's hope up that I would join the Army, even my own, but I couldn't do it. Dad himself told me "maybe the reason that it is taking so long is that God is sending you a message." I doubt this is the message that Dad was thinking of, but I know in my heart that it was the right choice. Walking out on the Army, and therefore my entire family, was the single hardest, scariest, and most courageous thing I have ever done. And I have looked down the barrel of a gun and told the man holding it to go fuck himself, because I was not giving him the last 12 dollars I had to my name. That was a sunny day compared to telling Dad I was bailing, and then listing to him cuss me out for two hours. I love my Father, and I would really like his approval. But not at the expense of my soul. I do not condemn him, or ----, or you for that mater, because I know that you were following your own path. In fact, I applaud you for it. But I have to follow my own path, too, and the military is not a part of it. You yourself told me 1001 reasons why I would not fit in the Army. Believe me, I had ten times that amount already lodged in the back of my mind. I did want it. I did. But it turns out that the reason, the ONLY reason i wanted it, was to finally be accepted by my family. It wasn't money, or stability, on any of the the wonderful things the military lifestyle promised, but just so that my Mom and Dad would no longer think of me with tears of shame in there eyes. But sadly, I realized that if that was the only thing that would make my family respect me, than none of you would truly respect ME. None of you would truly KNOW me. And I cant live a bold faced lie just so those closest to me would love and respect what I was pretending to be. Nothing would have changed. And that is what I was/am so hurt about. That's what kills me inside. It seems that you don't love me, respect me, and hell, none of you even like me. I understand why, I mean I'm nothing like any of you. I am a bad seed in your eyes, the black sheep of the ---- Family. But I am not A bad person. I have never raped anybody, never killed anybody, and aside from not living up to your "rocket scientist" expectations, I have never really hurt anybody either.
I love you ----, as I love all my family. and I would like to be involved in your life again. I would also like All of you to respect me for who and what I am, but if any or all of you are unwilling or able to give me this, it is something I will have to accept, and something you will have to square with in your own conscience some day.
With unyielding love, ------ ------ ------
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