How to gracefully back out of a first date ?

[hippiechick]

Ok, Ok ... I should never have let it get this far to begin with ...
but I agreed on Sunday night to accompany a gent I recently met to a movie this evening.

He called me last night to confirm plans, which have now morphed into dinner before the movie, the movie, and St Pat's cocktails afterwards.
I was a little surprised, to say the least.

At his request, I emailed him directions to my apt, but the email came back with a bad addy. (I think I used a "T" when it should have been a "P" in his last name)... I have not tried to re-send.

Anyway, the date is now 5 hours away - he still doesn't know where I live but he does have my phone number ... and I'm really not groovin' on going.

Help ??? :shrug:


:hippie:

[mac56]

1. why the change of heart?

nm

[hippiechick]

11. well ....

I wasn't completely psyched to meet him in the first place.

But, I have a problem saying 'No Thanks' to nice guys because they are so few and far between, so I usually end up going on dates that I hate with men I really never want to see again, and spending the evening wishing I was home with the remote control.

I thought I set the parameters when I first agreed to this movie, saying it IS NOT A DATE, and that I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND
but last night on the phone it was pretty obvious that he's halfway down the street and around that corner already. :(


:hippie:

[mac56]

13. Sorry, but I think you're committed.

You set the parameters, now you're obligated to see it through.

If he's a nice guy, he'll accept your limits. If he's a nice guy, he doesn't deserve to get stiffed.

add on edit: When that's happened to me (a nice guy), I've been devastated.

[truthbetold]

39. I know what you mean.

Same thing happened to me hippiechick. I went on a date with a guy, only he was looking for a relationship and I was not.
I did the honorable thing and told him my intentions on the date and left it up to him whether he wanted to continue it or not. We ended up having a fun time despite my confession.
Just be honest.

[northzax]

2. sorry, you are too late to cancel

canceling at the last minute, unless you have appendicitis or something, is really bush-league (boy, that phrase has so much more meaning now, doesn't it?)

Go along, be pleasant, and deal. Next time, don't let it get out of hand like this, I'd say.

[radwriter0555]

3. Food poisoning. Email him NOW. You had something HORRIBLE at

breakfast.

You've already vomited.

[Gato Moteado]

4. tell him you have to break the date...

...to go out with me instead.

[felonious thunk]

5. Give him an email with an apology and back out

He's not going to want to go out if you don't, and gentle honesty would be more appreciated than an obvious cover up. Make yourself seem like the jerk to him so he takes it better. But don't go if you don't want to, you aren't doing him any favors if you go.

[wysimdnwyg]

6. Unless you are frightened that he might become violent...

you should go out with him. You agreed to go on the date, go on it. If you don't have a good time, don't go out with him again. But do not stand him up. Standing someone up is rude and incredibly inconsiderate. For all you know, he has gone to great effort and expense to set up this date.

And besides, what if it turns out you have a really good time?

[thom1102]

7. Oooowww. Toughie, but I think you need to take one for the team...

I mean you obviously liked this guy enough to agree to a movie, I think you need to hang in for at least dinner, and the movie. After that, if you need to you could play the "headache card" and skip the drink, and go home and lick your wounds. Sorry, but to me, that is the honorable thing to do.

[Robb]

8. Faking a problem is always good.

I suggest incontinence. :D

Seriously, if he calls, you can always say you tried to email him, that you'd decided not to go out, but had a problem with the address. The beauty here is all of that is true.

[camero]

9. Why not just go?

At the very least you could meet a good friend. But tell him it's just a movie and eat so you can say you already ate.

[gyopsy]

15. I tend to agree

Being the victim of many first date excuses, why not just go out with him this one time? How bad could this person be? I completely understand backing out of a 2nd date but at least give the poor guy a chance.

[madaboutharry]

10. Are you the kind of person

who would be able to remain polite even when your misreable? If you don't think you could treat him well, then tell him your sick. Tell him you have been throwing up. Vomiting doesn't effect how you sound on the phone. If you feel that strongly about not wanting to go, then you shouldn't. If he ever calls you again, tell him you thought it over, aren't interested, and wish him well.

On edit: BTW, I am very bad at taking my own advise!

[HFishbine]

12. Don't make him waste his money

but don't jerk his chain either. Call him or write him ASAP and tell him that you've had second thoughts and are canceling. You don't need to give a reason (especially not a false one).

[madaboutharry]

16. I like this approach

as well.

[mac56]

18. Maybe he doesn't see it as "wasting his money".

Give the guy some credit.

[HFishbine]

20. I think any guy

who knew that his date was reluctantly going along because she was too timid to let him know that she had changed her mind would probably think he was at least wasting his time.

[Vladimir]

24. Look

if the guy is confused, and you decide to go along, make sure you split the costs, whatever the protests from the other side. Its makes things clear and keeps it fair.

V

On edit: obviously directed at original post... brain not working today...

[hippiechick]

27. I already told him that and he said 'it ain't gonna happen'.

I should leave my money at home.
He don't play 'dat.

Sounds sorta neanderthal, mixed in with the chivalry, I think.
Makes me nervous.


:hippie:

[Vladimir]

30. Then call it off

If you know that it won't lead anywhere because you aren't that interested, call it off. Its more honest than going on his date - I am not saying that him paying for things obliges you to anything, but that may be how he sees it.

As a rule, I don't do expensive dates for this reason exactly. Obviously its not about counting every penny, but financial parity is very important IMO, especially at the start of relationships.

V

[mmm]

14. Have a nice time on your date tonight

Unless the guy has turned out to be a c r e e p
I think it is too late to back out.

[Bridget Burke]

17. If you agreed to go, then go.

It would be very rude to back out for no good reason. You don't think he's violent or dangerous, do you?

It might be possible to cut the post-movie drinks short, but don't slap him down just because you aren't "groovin'" on going.

[prolesunited]

19. First question

is how do plans morph? Did you agree to the dinner and drinks as well or did he just spring it on you? And if he did, why didn't you take control then and say you were only interested in the movie?

I think canceling at the last minute is bad form but I would tell him upfront over dinner that you just want to be friends and aren't looking for a boyfriend before he gets too carried away.

Unless he is some sort of mega-creep, which if he was why did you say yes in the first place, it won't kill you to go out with him. Just be honest.

And if you are going to cancel, at least call him. An e-mail ditching him at the last minute would be a shitty thing to do, IMHO.

[Gato Moteado]

26. ah geez......

level headed thinking and consideration. yeah, this advice is clearly the best.

i'm now in total agreement with sharon. unless the dude is a freeper, in which case i'd suggest going to dinner and ordering the most expensive thing on the menu and then leaving with someone else to go to the flick.

[hippiechick]

29. I only agreed to the movie ...

Then when he called last night he said ... "Well you know we SHOULD get something to eat before the movie" ... and I reminded him that THIS ISN'T A DATE so I could meet him somewhere for a bite prior, and that I am more than willing to pay my own way, since THIS ISN'T A DATE.

(See my post above about him emphatically telling me that I will not be paying for anything tonight)

Then he said "It IS St. Patrick's Day so we'll have to stop for AT LEAST one drink after the movie ..."

So, I guess in my good-naturedness, I got steamrolled, and never took total control of the plans. Can't believe I'm such a wuss ! :spank:

[THUNDER HANDS]

21. just tell him 'no' - trust me, he'll appreciate the money you save him

:D

[Rowdyboy]

22. Please don't stand him up...

Been there, it hurts and, in this case, just isn't necessary.

[amazona]

23. in that situation I say I'm not feeling well...

...He'll get the message. Especially if you don't give him your address!

[CrownPrinceBandar]

25. As a nice guy myself...

I'd say that if you're going to ditch him, confront him and tell him why. Most people can tell when someone is lying to get out of a commitment (I know I can). And, what's it really going to hurt if you tell him the truth, maybe his feelings, but he'll eventually get over that. IMHO, you owe him nothing but the truth. It will also avoid the awkward: "Well... can I call you again sometime?" Stop the problem before it starts.

However, if you do decide to go through with the non-date, stick to the original plan. You guys agreed on a movie and a movie it should stay. He may be asking you out, but you can call the shots.

[ConcernedCanuk]

28. It's never too late to back out . . it's YOUR life . .

.
.
.

and

IF he's "a nice guy" like you say, then he should understand that you are not looking for a boyfriend, and to go "out" with him might encourage that idea.

IF you think you can do the "just friends" thing (pretty hard for most boy-girl things I think) then suggest a lunch? - coffee? something that doesn't end up at night-time if you know what I mean , ,

I know that as a guy, I would be disappointed, but I would be MUCH more disappointed after dinner, movie and drinks . .

Shameful to say, but probably true, that most guys expect the relationship to "carry on" so to speak. (I'll confess my own guilt in this respect)

Bottom line, I suggest CANCEL, one way or another . . .

Sorry guy, I know I would be disappointed too, but a whole lot less than after a whole evening together . .

oh

by the way

- nice avatar! :silly:

[Westegg]

31. Shoulda been upfront right away...

...and said, "Hey, look, we can do the movie thing on a friendly basis, but I'm really not keen on a date-date right now ." Now you're kinda stuck and you don't come across as a jerk (I'm sure you're not). I say grin and bear it---and maybe you'll be pleasantly surpsied, although it sounds like you already know he's not the one for you.

[hippiechick]

32. I did ....

... said more than 4 or 5 times that THIS IS NOT A DATE and that I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND.

If he construes it any other way, that's entirely on him.


:hippie:

[Westegg]

35. You're right about that...

But some guys figure they can wear a woman down. And sometimes they do. There's that story of how Dick Nixon used to drive Pat to her dates with other guys. Eventually, she broke down and went out with him---and they ended up getting married and the rest is grim history.

Boy, Nixon was a weird dude.

[prolesunited]

36. It does sound

like he's trying to wear you down and I admit that would kind of get on my nerves. Gee, no, I really don't know my own mind or what I want.

The thing is, he will continue to try to exploit your niceness if you let him. DON"T! Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Career Prole]

33. You've been given lots of good advice...

...but if all else fails, tell him you've met somebody more electable.
:D

[hippiechick]

34. LMAO !!!!

:silly: Are you doing anything tonight ??? :silly:

[Career Prole]

37. Besides blushing furiously, y'mean?

I can be the "long-lost cousin who came to town unexpectedly". No problem! :D

[hippiechick]

38. Well .... c'mon then !

I don't think you'll get here in time to intercept the date, but ...
you can always 'bump into us' somewhere and rescue me

:loveya:

[Career Prole]

40. <gulp!> I checked the driving time...

...a shade under 17 hours. Let's see...<scribblin' furiously> mutter mutter...3 hours 'til zero hour...mutter mutter...pi squared goes into, um...yeah...mutter...damn!
Uh...how long can you dawdle over a shrimp cocktail?
I know! Give me the number at the restaurant and I'll have you paged...we can do this! I'll...I'll...I'll call you in to work! No hurt feelings anywhere. Just give me an ETDD (estimated time of dessert done). No sense skippin' a meal. :9

[hippiechick]

41. Here's the skinny ....

5:30 pm EST

He just called for directions, and I insisted that I meet him there instead of him picking me up (saving him time, you know).

If he's a toad I can always excuse myself to the ladies room and dash out the back door.

Weeny-ish, I know but I can't be rude to people - I don't have it in me ... (yeah, those of you who've seen me in GD:04 are choking back the laughter right about now) and I won't be standing him up.

So, thanks for all of your input and supportive PM's ... now wish me luck.


:hippie:

[prolesunited]

42. Very good to take your own car

so you aren't left at his mercy (and he doesn't know where you live).

However, if he's a toad, don't leave him at the table thinking you fell in the toilet. just say you don't think it's working out and excuse yourself. I've become so involved, I want to hear all the juicy details when you get home.

BTW, luck. :hi:

[BlueJazz]

43. From what you have said about him trying to change...

...your mind on every thing YOU wanted to do, he sounds like a pushy creep already. Tell him you changed your mind and want to stay home.
If he starts to argue or whine...tell him that's why you're staying home!

[hippiechick]

44. THANKS EVERYONE !

It was really rather boring.
Dinner was at a place I've never been to before, so that was a nice, new experience. Conversation was lame and chit-chatty, there just was 'no there there' ...

But he is considerably shorter than I remembered him being and I think I was considerably something other than what he remembered too, because I could tell from his initial reaction that it was going to be a mercifully short night, and that I'll probably never hear from him again.

So we had dinner, chatted, went to the movie and were both pretty engrossed in the flick ("Miracle" .. y'all know I'm a hockey maniac)
so there wasn't much conversation back-n-forth once it started.

After the movie, we chatted in the parking lot for a tic, and he said "We'll have to do this again" which is date-speak for "You're not my type, don't wait by the phone" so I drove home feeling no pressure, no guilt, no pain.

Thanks DU'ers for listening to the saga, and for convincing me to go - he is a decent guy and standing him up or coming up with a last minute excuse would have been very shitty on my part.

:yourock: love ya' DU !!!

[bobthedrummer]

45. Happy St. Patrick's Day

hippiechick!
When are you gonna be up here, I got a guy for ya! A tall one.
:hi:

[hippiechick]

46. hi Bob !!

:hi:

If the weather and the hockey schedules would ever cooperate, I'd be there :evilgrin:

... was gonna drive up last weekend for UWRF/SNC but ... freezing rain and snow again ...


:hi: Charron

[ScreamingMeemie]

48. Heeehheeeeheeee. I just gave you my advice, a day late!

Whoops!

Glad it went okay.

Laura

[Bridget Burke]

49. Congratulations!

The evening wasn't horrible & it looks as though there will be no long-term repercussions.

You did the right thing.

[Shrek]

50. I loved "Miracle"

As did my son and even my wife who hates sports.

Did you like it?

[ScreamingMeemie]

47. I think it would be wrong to cancel. You made the date, now it's

the day and you must keep it, in my opinion. I would tell him you would just like to see the show "as originally planned". Who knows, you might end up liking him.

One other warning. Don't give him the directions to your apartment. Offer to meet him at the theater. Just my advice.

:hi: