Wedding Dilemma...(kids and weddings)

[thom1102]

My brother is getting married in June. I have a large family and so does my brother's fiancee. They are planning a relatively small bash in a hall that can fit about 200 people, and in an attempt to pare down the list, children are not allowed at the wedding. People outside of the family (neighbors, and best friends from High School (both the couple's and their parents)) who should be at the wedding are being snubbed in an attempt to keep the guest list from exceeding 200, and the last thing people are going to want is kids under foot (except of course the parents of said kids). We are planning on making arrangements for child care at the hotels for people who can't make their own arrangements (which is way beyond the call IMHO), and yet that still doesn't seem to molify some of these folks. Most of the family will be coming from less than a couple of hours away, and realistically, there is only one person (coming from Florida) who has a legitimate child care concern. The others, well, I, personally, can't understand why people can't get an overnight babysitter for one night. I would think that some of these people would enjoy a nice night out without the kids.

This is an age old problem in my family: when my mom and dad got married, the hall wanted full price for children, so my grandfather said no kids, and my father's sister boycotted the wedding. Now it is shaping up to be a big fight in the family, and the lines are drawn. My dad's sister (the same one who boycotted his wedding) is a grandmother now, and is positioned to pitch a fit about her grandkids not being allowed to attend. I just got an email from her sister asking if kids really aren't going to be allowed. My response was build a bridge and get over it!

I am co-bestman at this event and I know that my future sister in law is really hoping that all of my father's side can come (since my dad died 9 years ago, and she never got to meet him) so that my brother can feel that he is there in spirit. So I ask... In anyone else's family, in anyone else with a NORMAL family, because this whole family is a jar of mixed nuts, would this be an issue?

[northzax]

1. it's their party

they can set the rules as they see fit. The invitation specifcally invites people (Mr. and Mrs. so and so) if the invitation does not include children, they should not be brought along. It's really analogous to me bringing my friend without his being invited. If people can't be apart from their precious children for several hours, well then they should gracefully decline.

[northzax]

7. as a crowd pleaser, you could

require that all guests, per the Bride's wishes, do three shots of rum before entering the reception. And then allow people to bring their children, but have a bouncer to remove them if they fail to do the three shots.

when the parents complain, tell them that this was the plan all along, and they insisted on bringing their children anyway. call DFS.

[thom1102]

10. Evil...

I like it.:evilgrin:

[thom1102]

8. That's how I feel.

I understand that it can be tough to find a babysitter sometimes but we covered that already. Besides, where are the inlaws here? (The kid's grandparents on the other side of the family)

[northzax]

17. finding a babysitter is the responsibility of the guest

not the host (unless they are generous and provide childcare) if you can't find a sitter weeks in advance for a wedding, stay at home and watch football.

[trotsky]

2. I really don't understand why it's a problem.

#1) It's their wedding, and whatever your brother & his fiance decide, should be final.

#2) Find me ONE kid who would enjoy sitting through a wedding.

#3) The fact that you are going out of your way to provide child care arrangements is proof you are being more than accommodating.

Explaining in the invite that space is limited, and large families on both sides are attending, should be enough. Some people just never "get it."

[thom1102]

4. Yeah, I think that my aunt...

The one with the grandkids who is really upset about this, is just getting even. She married a black guy in the 50's and my grandmother was the only one who came to the wedding (they are all over their bigotry now, but back then my dad's fam were real bigots) and sincce then she seems to find a reason to pitch a fit at everyone elses wedding.

[wryter2000]

3. Weddings make people nuts

Someone always pitches a hissy fit because they don't get what they want at someone else's wedding. Stand your ground. The boycotters will allow room at the party for someone more interested in the bride and groom's wishes than their own.

[thom1102]

5. I told them to have a "B" list ready.

[Bunny]

6. People do seem to get weird about their kids when it comes to weddings.

Myself, I'd be glad to have a night away from the little dumplings!

I don't understand why folks get so offended when told they can't bring kids. It's truly weird. I understand if you can't afford a sitter, but since you're providing one, that issue is taken care of.

All of the etiquette people are on your brother's side, BTW. People are not obligated to invite children to their weddings, and people with children cannot reasonably expect that their kids should be invited.

Let your brother and his fiancee do as they please, and let the chips fall where they may. And be prepared for someone to show up with their kids, just to prove a point of some kind. Someone always does...

Now, when you invite single people but don't invite them to bring a guest, that can be weird. I know the bride and groom aren't obligated to do this, but I've been single for a long time and I've attended more than a few weddings solo. It's weird, I wanna tell you. The ones that I've gone to solo were for very close friends, or when I knew a large circle of friends would be available for me to hang out with.

Guess you can't please everyone, right? ;)

[supernova]

9. It's the bride and groom's day

they make the rules. period. If they don't want kids, they don't want kids.

The grandma is out of turn. She should pipe down and either accept the invite or don't. I mean if people say they can't afford it, then they can't. It's extremely disrespectuf to the couple to expect them to spend more than they can.

Alternate solution: The grandma with the kid fetish can offer to host party of some description for the happy couple, sometime after the wedding, and have that one be the kid-friendly event.

[northzax]

18. it's irrelevant whether or not they can offord it

last time I checked the Bride and Groom make the invitation list. If they choose, for whatever reason, to not include children, so be it. Now, this would not excuse inviting some children and not others, or one spouse and not another, that's just chintzy.

[Hooloovoo]

11. gracefully declining

There's no way I would leave my kids with strangers (however qualified) even for a few hours, and there's no way I would leave my nursing infant with anyone. I would gracefully decline the invitation. That's not boycotting, is it? I think it's making a parental decision.

[thom1102]

14. There are no nursing infants...

and all of the kids are over 5. Kindergarten age. What about your SO's parents? Surely you could leave them at grandma and grandpa's overnight?

[Hooloovoo]

24. Did my reply get lost?

I thought I had replied to you, but now I can't find it.

I would have absolutely no problem leaving an older child with a grandparent overnight. I didn't know the ages of the children involved, and I was under the impression that they might have to be left with strangers.

I think it's the bride and groom's decision about whom to invite, and I also think it's the invitees' decision about whether or not to attend.

[thom1102]

16. BTW welcome to DU

:hi:

[Hooloovoo]

25. Thanks.

Thanks. :)

[Kazak]

21. Hi bunny. =)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Mrs. Pong.

Allow me to be the first to give you a warm WELCOME TO DU.

:loveya:

On edit: Er...make that the 2nd.

[Hooloovoo]

26. Hi.

Hi, bunny.

[U of M Dem 07]

12. My family

would have a HUGE problem with it too... but I completely agree with the fact that it's their wedding and they get to say what happens. Kids get annoying, anyway.

[TlalocW]

13. There are so many horror stories about crap like this

People need to just get past it. Their kids aren't always welcome at events, and they need to respect that. As far as I'm concerned, the people who have a big snit about stuff like this are wanting to show off their kids and shift the attention away from where it should be - the couple getting married.

TlalocW

[thom1102]

15. It isn't even that they aren't welcome...

There just isn't any room. They would love to have the kids there if the hall was bigger, but this is where they want to have the wedding.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

19. A pleasant way to deal with this

would be to have a special "children's party" instead of calling it "child care". Kid-friendly foods, a little cake and ice cream, some dress-up stuff for the little ones, and party games the older kids can enjoy will help appease most of the adults. A special visit from the bride and groom in their fancy clothes would be a nice way to acknowledge young family members and save them from the boredom of the ceremony.

Of course, someone will be pissy about it; but that's bound to happen whether they have kids attend or not.

[radwriter0555]

23. EXACTLY. and if the GROWN ups want to act like KIDS over it, then

it's their problem.

This is a great solution.

You just can't please everyone.

[Missy Vixen]

27. I don't want to get off on a rant here

>Kid-friendly foods, a little cake and ice cream, some dress-up stuff for the little ones, and party games the older kids can enjoy will help appease most of the adults.<

I disagree. Why should the bride and groom buckle to a group of family members who seem to have forgotten basic etiquette? This is also another expense that would be borne by the bride and groom, whose finances are most likely already stretched to the breaking point.

If these family members can't leave their children with another family member or trusted adult for the roughly five-hour period of the wedding and the reception, they need to stay home. These children were not invited, and their parents were asked not to bring them to the ceremony or the reception.

Julie

[GoddessOfGuinness]

29. Not necessarily buckling...

though I understand why it could appear this way. We're talking about family members here...just because they're young doesn't mean they should be altogether dismissed.

As to the cost, it probably wouldn't be much more than the price of the babysitter that the bride's already been kind enough to arrange for if family members are willing to pitch in and help...one person makes a large sheet cake, someone else puts peanut butter and jelly sandwiches together, another donates "bride" clothes from the Goodwill bag in the attic.

The bride will probably find plenty of helping hands amongst the parents of the kids simply by expressing a desire to have them feel included in the celebration in a way that would be appealing to them.

I understand where you're coming from; and yes, I think it's terribly rude for people to gripe about their kids not being invited. Nevertheless, when kids aren't included somehow, many parents will be offended...even if they don't speak up about it. I just think it's safest (and kindest!) to find a simple way to acknowledge young family members from the beginning.

[Missy Vixen]

20. Whose wedding is it?

>The others, well, I, personally, can't understand why people can't get an overnight babysitter for one night. I would think that some of these people would enjoy a nice night out without the kids.<

We had the same problem at our wedding. We were married next to Lake Washington. We asked people NOT to bring their small children, due to the fact that there was no childcare at the site.

We ended up with six different guests bringing their under-five year olds.

Again: My parents drummed into me that those named on the invitation are the ones who are invited. Period. Where do people get off thinking that it's okay to bring children to an adult event when they've been specifically requested not to do so?

Julie

[skippysmom]

22. Sigh. Weddings.

I'm glad planning mine is over.

I would just explain the situation to folks and hope they sympathize. If not, too bad. Lots of people show their true (read: selfish) colors when it comes to weddings.

They may be able to expand their list somewhat, if the hall fits 200 people -- usually only 75-80% of people respond yes, fewer if they have to travel. We invited almost 200 people to our wedding -- which was held at a site that held 150 -- and only 100 came.

[Westegg]

28. I faced a similar dilemma. Man, was that a drag!

My wife and I were having our relatively small (just under a hundred person) wedding reception at a very posh and art-filled restaurant in New York City (we rented the whole place for the night). It was to be a real sophisticated, adult affair, so early on we decided "no kids." This meant that at least a couple of my male pals from California came "stag," while their wives (who weren't close friends of mine and had never met my wife-to-be) stayed home with their kids. That part was fine, but my sister, who would be coming from Pittsburgh, flew into a royal fit when she heard the "no kids" rule (she has a two-year-old). For more than a month, this threatened to tear the family apart! It got ugly, and she threatened not to come at all. Even though we offered her the services of my wife's cousin's entirely reliable, well-vetted full-time nanny for the six-hour dinner, she refused to even consider it---said she couldn't leave her son with a "stranger," and accused us of being terribly selfish.

In the end, she came to the wedding and left her husband (my bro-in-law) home with the kid. After the fact, she admitted to me that, once she saw the kind of evening we had planned, and the nature of the restaurant, she realized that we were right to have the "no kids" rule. But honestly? Some bitterness still lingers half a year later. My bottom line: It is ALWAYS up to the bride and groom to decide what kind of wedding they want, unless they're just being totally unreasonable.

[Rowdyboy]

30. Proper response: "I'm so sorry you can't make it...If you can find ...

childcare, let us know and we'll see if we can fit you in..."

[Hooloovoo]

31. It's the bride and groom's decision...

...whom to invite and whom not to, and it's the invitees' decision to attend or not to attend.

[latebloomer]

32. "NORMAL family"?

What's that?

[Nikia]

33. Kids always come to our family weddings

It never occurred to me until I read wedding books regarding such things that some people would not welcome children at weddings. If this has usually been the case with your family, perhaps that is why they have a problem with it. In the case you mentioned it is because there is a space issue, not that they really dislike those little brats (which perhaps is what some parents think and are offended by). I don't know the logistics of the wedding, but perhaps if the wedding is being held seperate from the reception, the children could attend the ceremony if they wanted to and visit for a while before being taken to the sitter at the hotel before the parents go to the reception. This is just a suggested compromise. It is ultimately the bride and grooms decision. I just do understand the point of view of having children attend weddings. My father's side of the family has a large fairly close extended family with lots of little cousins who always attend family events, which is what some people think of a wedding as.