Let's write a really bad story, one line at a time.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

I'll start.

It was Tuesday morning by the time I realised that my lifelong quest to photograph and rank all the Wal-Marts in Western Canada by size, decor and smell was finally over. There in the car park at the Chilliwack store (20,000 sq.ft - beige and light-blue, spilt creosote) as the sun came up, I turned my attention to the parts of my life I'd neglected over the last seventeen years. Would my cat still love me when I got home? Had I left the tap on when I left in March 1987?

[Bunny]

1. Would my wife and children still be there, or would they have moved on?

[FunBobbyMucha]

3. More importantly, would the me that I had abandoned remain?

[BOSSHOG]

2. But I just had to answer her letter

She left for New Orleans three years ago seeking fame and fortune at a strip joint on bourbon street. She took our first cat and my heart as well. Her absence intensified my desire to photograph Walmarts. Were there any in Louisiana. Maybe I can take my Nikon to the big easy and win her back.

[kmla]

9. But damn, she was ugly!

She really was not an attractive girl. The tattoo on her forehead of Herve Villechaize ("My tattoo of Tattoo! Get it? Seemed funny at the time) was not attractive at all.

She tended to gravitate toward styles that did not flatter her figure, which was average in most ways. But try as she might, she could not persaude the rest of the public to follow her fashion leads - leg warmers, combat boots, and football shoulder pads worn outside her blouse.

One thing you could say with accuracy - she did typically make a statement when she entered the room.

[WoodrowFan]

12. unfortunatly that statement was

"I was dressed in the dark by a blind man with no sense of touch." As she wandered through the Goodwill Bins, picking up sports equipment for her next party outfit, she thought back to Robb and wondered how his toaster was doing.

[Catfight]

4. Kirk,

my bald cube mate is lurking from aisle to aisle asking everyone, "do you know if Norman is gay?" When I asked what does it matter to him, he replied, _________

[kmla]

11. "Norman? Who's Norman?"

We suspect that my bald cube mate may have multiple personalities.

[pagerbear]

5. So I packed my Nikon in my Nissan and off I went.

[WoodrowFan]

7. meanwhile, back on the ranch..

Robb wondered why his toaster stopped working, and what those strange crop circle in his alfalfa crop REALLY meant. The ones that when read from above read "Invaders: Land Here."

[RandomKoolzip]

6. Suddenly, as that thought surfaced, I was hit by a beam of

pink light which paralyzed my upper torso and pinned me to the parking lot. I couldn't look up, but above me was Joni Mitchell. A fifty-foot tall, laserbeam-shooting Joni Mitchell.

I yelled, "Court and Spark!" and she turned off the laser with a comforting click.

"What's the deal, Joni?" I said, still shaking. She looked amused, but said nothing. Then she looked at my camera. My camera: Nothing special, just a Nikon with a telephoto lens, but I got the feeling it was hers.....

[Screaming Lord Byron]

10. Still, this wasn't the first time a Canadian folk icon had apprehended me

in a mall carpark. I remembered the day well, May 1978, when Gordon Lightfoot stole my box of Cheerios in broad daylight in the far car park of the Bellis Mall in Bellingham. How could I forgive such intransigence? Such belligerence?

[RandomKoolzip]

15. How could I forgive "Sundown," for that matter?

My fear was replaced by curiosity when she spoke again....

[kmla]

17. Ahhh, yes. Gordon Lightfoot. A tapestry of thoughts started

weaving through his head. The kind of thought-string that starts with Gordon Lightfoot, and ends with you and Fatty Arbuckle playing bocci ball on the deck of a aircraft carrier. You try to retrace the connecting thoughts that led you there, but you can't honestly remember.

Giving in to the fact that you have no short term memory, you resume your daydream, saying...

"It's your turn, Fatty. Try to avoid that can of jet fuel setting over there. An explosion would not be good for your career right now."

[RandomKoolzip]

13. "Your negatives: any footage of me and Stephen Stills?" She

asked; her voice was enormous and could probably be heard in Hamilton, Ontario. I wondered if and why I was the only person experiencing this.

"Nnn--nn--no, Joni! Never! Plus, if I was gonna sell some pictures to the Enquirer, no offense, but there are juicier subjects around." I thoght a joke would put her at ease. "Say, Joni....What's the difference between an orange?"

I noticed her legs shuffling, knocking down some power lines and causing great gushes of "Blue" "Sparks" flying everywhere. She turned in the other direction and started off, but not before reaching into her handbag and flinging what I thought was a piece of paper at me, normal human sized paper. As it fell, twirling, I got a better look at it; it was a photograph.

A photograph of Antonin Scalia. A photograph of Antonin Scalia fucking a shar-pei.....

[Screaming Lord Byron]

16. The hissing of summer lawns

awoke me with a start. Where was I? How did I get here? Where was my beautiful wife? Where was my large automobile? I could hear the distant sound of water flowing underground.

[RandomKoolzip]

19. As I hacked at my left forearm with the heel of my open

right hand, the phone rang. On the third ring, I reached for it. It was the guy who sold me those sheets of rubber on Demonbreun Street, behind the Deja Vu Showbar. I was expecting this call.

I hung up. I noticed I was bleeding from my tearducts. The lasers in the dream were REAL! As was the shar-pei, as were the implanted memories of Gordon Lightfoot. I was feeling like Phillip K. Dick, minus the Phillip K.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

23. But that was OK. I had 63 hours left to find Captain Krautrock

and defuse his heinous Idiot Bomb. If only I could find Random Obscenity Boy?

[kmla]

21. Then I realized - It was the same as it ever was.

What time is it? I wondered. Must be fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-five o'clock.

He looked in the mirror. He was crosseyed. But it didn't hurt. It was painless.

;)

[Screaming Lord Byron]

24. 'More songs about buildings and food?' I thought. Must there be more?

This was being to feel like life during wartime on a road to nowhere.
And she was.

[kmla]

26. And then it dawned on him.

"I've got a girlfriend. And she's better than that."

Getting ready to leave and return to work, he put on his suit. It was a really big, though.

And he swore to himself if someone said "Look at Mr. Business Man!" one more time when he left for work - he was gonna smack someone. Hard.

[Paragon]

8. From Bill O'Really's "Those Who Trespass" (HORRIBLE EROTICA ALERT)

"Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly."

[WoodrowFan]

14. but, just as she was reaching the peak of her womanly ..

pleasure the phone ran. Shannon picked it up. It was the Canadian secret service. Someone was photographing all the Wallmarts in Western Canada then stealing their toasters. Agent Gordon Lightfoot was on the case but he had issued a code "Edmund Fitzgerald", the Canadian Mountie's code word for red alert!

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

20. "Gotta go, babe" he said. "When my country calls,

I answer, eh? I always get my man!"

"You bastard!" she screamed throwing her sexy little size 4 black fuck-me shoe at him. "You belong in a Walmart, you cheap stupid louse! Don't forget to get me some....

[WoodrowFan]

22. toasters!

Shannon left, wondering why toasters were suddenly so important. He thought back to his old college roommate Robb, and his strange toasted alfalfa and cheese sandwiches. Bakc in her apartment, Ashely brought out her faithful old vibrator, "O'Reilly" and flicked it on. Soon its soothing huming had her humming the National Anthem of love.

[madaboutharry]

18. A most horrendous feeling

of nausea swept over me at the thought of right wing hacks writing erotica. I had to fast forward my brain quickly to other thoughts and then, not too soon and mercifully, I saw my children's faces before me. They were eating shrimp gumbo with Chef Paul on a brand new program being taped for the Food Channel. Suddenly....

[Canuckistanian]

25. Suddenly, it dawned on me!

It wasn't Eulalia on the porch that lazy February morning, it was a minute, green blob of.... No, I thought, it can't be! Wasn't it Gerald Ford who said, "Bette, I thought I left the seat down, I swear!"
That's when the bulldozer rolled over....

[Screaming Lord Byron]

27. my house. Ford pointed towards the pub.

'It's crucially important that we drink beer and eat nuts'
'But Ford' I said 'my house has just been demolished!'
'In about sixteen minutes, that's going to seem a whole lot less important, Arthur!" Ford exclaimed

[JAbuchan08]

28. The whole situation had become incredibly confusing

By the time I had recovered from my various delusions, the Walmart doors were beckoning again. "Where are we?" I asked a bit confused. There was a mish-mash of events running through my head, Joni Mitchell, Gordon Lightfoot, Joni Mitchell. "We're in Littleton,sir."
"But we've been here before", I replied Even this little bald man's identity was uncertain - there was however a familiarity here.
"I know, following the Columbine massacres. There's an agent on the trail. They won't expect us were we've already been." Sense or nonesense I wondered. Gordon Lightfoot and Joni Mitchell, why did my mind keep returning there?

[JAbuchan08]

29. The walmart beckoned and my thoughts cleared

They had taken my house and my toaster and then sent Joni Mitchell and Gordon Lightfoot after me. Something was effecting my recollection and I knew I was not entirely under my own power. The scrap of bad erotic literature flashed into my mind. Bill O'Reilly he had to be the connection. But I had my camera I would document everything.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

30. I harked back to the glory days when I was Governor General of Canada

back then, before the whole unpleasantness. Dammit! There would be no more unpleasantness. I would make amends. I would make amends. '
Starting now.

[Catfight]

31. It was fun playing with grandpa's old pen

with a tip I could undress the sexy women, mesmerized by the red ink, she's naked, she's not naked, she's naked, she's not naked. Little did I know, stuffed inside the pen was a piece of rolled paper with the numbers, 8 16 30. A combination lock maybe? Maybe there was a locker somewhere holding the name of the White House Senior Administrator who was known for ousting CIA operatives if they didn't behave...wait, a symbol is on the back of the paper: ( @ ) it's a boob, that could only mean ONE thing, Rove, and if you slip Mr. Rove's "R" to the end of his name, we all know it's OveR Rove. I'll have those secret missing papers to the Judicial Committee in a flash, but not until I'm satiated playing with this pen, she's naked, she's not naked, she's naked..........she's n.......

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

32. I approached the Walmart slowly. "Oh my God," I thought. "They've

paved paradise and put up a parking lot!" I mused on this further as I approached the entry. Something smelled bad in THIS Walmart all right. I felt a chill go through me like an Alberta Clipper swooping down on Lake Erie.

"Welcome to Walmart!" leered a familiar-looking man, looking down his gin-blossomed nose at me with a smug, supercilious expression. "Would you like to buy one of my books? I usually sell them in bulk, but for SOCIALISTS like YOU, I make a special exception!"

"Can the smart-ass talk, O'Reilly," I said. What are you doing with the toasters and why are you conspiring with Lightfoot to take over Canada?"