Tales of WTFery Volume 29: Midlo Strikes Back

Dr. Strange

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Mon Aug-03-09 10:18 AM
Original message

Tales of WTFery Volume 29: Midlo Strikes Back

In the beginning, there was music. And it was good. Or at least, some of it was. Some of it sucked ass. But that's beside the point.

The very fabric of the universe depended on music. And as long as the good music prevailed, the universe thrived. But when the bad music arose, the chaos increased, resulting in stock market fluctuations, episodes I-III of the Star Wars franchise, and that goatse porn stuff. (Seriously, what the fuck is that shit?)

For many years, the good music won out. But then a dark force arose. Or rather, re-arose. And she was determined to assist the bad forces, because she was all in the universe’s house with the evil. The dark force was, of course, Midlo, bearer of the quints. She had been defeated many times before¹, what with her not being the frozenest popsicle in the fridge. But her tenacity was legendary.

She had many minions: the Jonas brothers, Creed, the Beastie Boys. And shortly after the turn of the millennium, all her players were in place, save one: she needed a Crunk band to enact her plan. Thus she created Nary the Flounder. It was just a matter of time before she would be able to crush all that is out of existence.

Deep in the heart of the jungles of D.C., a turtle picked up a shiny brass instrument. (Yeah, this sounds out of place here, but trust me, this is important.)

To defeat the forces of Midlo, the world would call upon the warrior that embodied the very essence of good music: Dirk, the Bassist. And Dirk created the perfect counterpoint to the evil of Nary the Flounder: the Moderators. "This skazz² band will surely be our salvation," said Dirk. "I will imbue one of them with my wisdom, and he will see to it that the good will prevail, and the evil will wet its collective drawers."

And upon interviewing the band, he chose the one called King Duncan to be the harbinger of victory. For he was most knowledgeable in the tales of the narwhals³.

Slowly, the turtle made her way through the streets of D.C. with the instrument. (Seriously, pay attention to this point!)

With all of her minions in place, Midlo began the battle.

In 2001, when Midlo directed 'N Sync to release Celebrity, Dirk had Linkin Park release Hybrid Theory. Advantage: Dirk.

In 2002, Midlo caused Coldplay to release A Rush of Blood to the Head. Despite the use of the word "Rush," Dirk was nonplussed, and had The Flaming Lips put forward Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots. It was a close call, but the advantage went to Dirk and the good guys.

In 2003, Midlo went with Kid Rock's self-titled album Kid Rock. Dirk crushed the forces of evil with Radiohead's Hail to the Thief.

In 2004, the two sides fought to a draw: Midlo had the Beastie Boys' To the 5 Boroughs while Dirk had Aerosmith's Honkin' on Bobo⁴.

In 2005, Midlo obtained her first victory with Madonna's Confessions on a Dance Floor which handily defeated Dirk's choice of Kraftwerk's Minimum-Maximum.

In 2006, there was another draw, when Dirk chose Bob Dylan's Modern Times, only to find out that Bob Dylan⁵ was a double agent and Midlo had chosen the same album.

In 2007, Midlo directed Amy Winehouse to release Back to Black. Dirk took no chances and joined his compadres in releasing Snakes and Arrows. Advantage: Dirk and all that is good.

And in 2008, Midlo returned to her minions in Coldplay, coming up with Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends. Dirk blundered, choosing Guns & Roses' Chinese Democracy. Advantage: Midlo and the naughties.

And so it turned out that the year 2009 would be the important year.

Midlo’s chosen band, Nary the Flounder, was rocking the scene, creating chaos and bad appetizers.

"We’ve got to do something about this!" Dirk exclaimed, with the urgency of six exclamation points with two 1s scattered throughout. He turned to King Duncan. "Now is your time."

And so it was that the Moderators burned it up in the town good. The people grooved, and Nary the Flounder gritted their collective teeth.

And upon the last Saturday in September, the two bands ran into each other just outside the local Gap.

"Well, if it isn’t the band, chosen by the forces of Good," said Brett, the lead singer of the band chosen by the forces of Evil. "Strange how fate seems to have brought us together at this moment. This must mean that the time has come."

"And what time would that be?" asked King Duncan.

"The big hand is on the six and the little hand is sort of between the six and the seven. By my calculation, it’s just about ass-kicking o’clock!"

"Really?" King Duncan replied. "I’d say, given that your watch is digital, it’s more like time-to-get-Brett’s-eyes-checked o’clock."

Jimmy, the Flounder drummer, gasped. "Oh no you didn’t! You did NOT just insult Brett’s eyesight!"

"For your insult, prepare to die!" Brett yelled. "Today is the day when Midlo et al finally defeat the forces of good."

"Bring it, Flounder boy!" King Duncan said. And the Flounder boy brought it.

The two musicians battled long and hard, a lot like that fight scene from the movie They Live⁶, except there was nothing about putting on glasses. And after much fighting, Brett had the upper hand. King Duncan lay on the ground; towering over him was Brett, with his guitar hoisted, ready to drive it into the King's skull. In the background, the other members of the Moderators played dramatic music, signaling that something dramatic was about to happen.

King Duncan turned his head, waiting for the final blow. But in turning his head, his nose rubbed up against a turtle. And on the turtle's back was a trombone. (I told you fuckers this was important! I told you!) King Duncan smiled.

Brett the Flounder Boy swung his guitar down. But instead of hitting Duncan-head, it struck the trombone, which King Duncan had used to protect himself at the very last instant. (Because that's the kind of drama that Dirk likes.)

The battle began again. But this time it was more like the battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan, but without the shitty dialog⁷. And in little time, Brett was on the ground, staring up at King Duncan.

"The battle is over. The forces of Midlo are defeated by the King—and his mancannon!" And with that, King Duncan shoved the end of his trombone into Brett’s mouth…and blew a B-flat, which caused Brett’s head to explode all over the sidewalk.

Everyone cheered. The forces of good had finally won! People were hugging each other, including a few who did some groping⁸. But one person was not participating in the hugging orgy: Dirk the bassist.

"We’re not finished," Dirk said. "The rest of the Flounder band escaped. We're not out of this yet."

"How are we going to find the rest of the band?" King Duncan asked.

Dirk thought about it, but had no immediate suggestions. However, a passerby spoke up. "Perhaps we could catch them using a poll?"

Dirk turned toward the man. "Who are you?"

"I am Tommy_Carcetti, high priest of Chuggology."

"You worship a Canadian?" Dirk noted. "Your counsel then can’t be all bad. Tell us of your idea."

Tommy_Carcetti told them the idea. It was risky, but Dirk believed it would work. And so, then next day, a poll appeared in the DU Lounge. It was a simple poll, but with a twist. "Hayden Christensen is a great actor, yes or no?" it asked. There were only two choices: Yes or No. But with the help of EarlG, the poll was rigged: if you chose "Yes," your computer would send a microwave beam directly into your skull, causing your brain to melt⁹.

And sure enough, the four people who voted yes met their demise. Three of these were the remaining members of Nary the Flounder, and thus Midlo was defeated¹⁰.

But the news was not all good, for there was collateral damage: the president of the Hayden Christensen fan club, Dark Tirade, was also smitten. The Lounge held a beautiful funeral for him, with a touching eulogy from av8rdave and a sweet retelling of the brazillion joke from Orrex, madeinmaryland, and LSK.

The forces of good had once again defeated Midlo. And so naturally they held a kick-ass concert.

And the world was safe from the evil forces of Midlo. But...for how long?

Footnotes
¹See, for example, Tales of WTFery, Volume 21.
²The term "skazz" is a combination of ska and jazz, a term coined by the great Dirk himself, just for this tale.
³FUCK YEAH!!!
⁴When asked about this, Dirk replied, "Yeah, what the fuck was I thinking? Aerosmith? Damn, no more drinking tequila from Alex Lifeson's boots."
⁵Bob Dylan's reaction to the controversy: "Yep, Midlo made me <unintelligible> but without my cheese <inaudible> and Dirk's a good bassist with fish sticks <bizarre shit> so my woman drank the grapes."
⁶http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsZpdUUdd3I
⁷http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAe_4RuMF2w
⁸http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=user_profiles&u_id=125315
⁹EarlG does in fact have the power to rig polls like this, so don’t fuck around!
¹⁰The success of Priest Tommy_Carcetti's plot hinged on the little-known fact that the band Nary the Flounder formed when the members met at HaydenCon, the Hayden Christensen convention held every year in Brett's basement. While not very well-known by the public, this nugget of information is part of the initiation requirement for the Chuggo priesthood.