Another parenting question...sort of.

[Xithras]

As a parent, I'm torn on this one. You guys have always been great with parenting questions in the past, so I thought I'd throw this one out there.

One of my closest and oldest friends has a 15 year old son who is TROUBLE personified. He's been thrown out of two schools, he was once arrested for arson (charges dropped when his dad called in a few favors), was recently arrested and sentenced to probation for stealing two laptops from his current school, is contantly getting into fights (including several incidents where he allegedly slapped girlfriends around), and was arrested (but never charged) over an accusation last year that he attempted to date-rape a girlfriend (the girl stopped cooperating with police after making the initial accusation). I do let him into my home because he's my friends kid, but I keep a close eye on him and don't ever leave him unattended.

My daughter has a 14 year old friend who is very sweet, but extremely naive and who, according to my daughter, has never had a boyfriend. She's been very sheltered by her fundie mom and doesn't have many friends aside from my daughter.

I had a party at my house on the Fourth, and my friend brought his son over, where he met my daughters friend (in case you're wondering, my daughter can't stand him). You can probably guess what happened next. The two were inseperable at the party, apparently texted each other all day Sunday (again, info from my daughter), and he snuck over to her house Monday night where they apparently kissed for the first time. It was her first kiss.

The idea of this progressing further horrifies me. As far as I'm concerned, the kid is a troublemaking predator, and the thought of him preying on this naive girl isn't sitting well. My daughter already tried to warn her friend off, but was ignored...the girl is apparently "in love" and doesn't want to hear anything negative about him. I called my friend and suggested that he nip it in the bud, but he just laughed it off and said that he hoped she'd rub off on him since she was such a good kid. When I told my wife that I wanted to call HER parents, she was horrified and told me that it would just backfire anyway. She thinks I should just stay out of it and let it run its course (since the girls family is protective, it's hard to imagine that they'd have much alone time).

I'm not so willing to listen to my wife in this instance, but I wanted to get a few more opinions before I start an argument. Would YOU get involved?

[rug]

1. Tell her parents.

[Kali]

2. I don't know what to tell you

it will probably have to run its course no matter what you can do. If the parents have any sense at all they will get her on birth control, but sounds unlikely.

as for the protective family preventing contact, um yeah my family was like that - it just causes a poodle effect and does absolutely nothing to prevent anything. I have to laugh at that - and did!

[Xithras]

4. I doubt the sheltering thing as well.

She did, after all, manage to sneak out to meet and kiss him outside her house.

Her parents aren't the birth control type. They're the preach eternal fire and brimstone for spreading your legs types.

And he's the 'been caught sleeping with three different girls in his own house by his own dad' type.

[Kali]

7. this is sneaky but are you close enough to the girl or your daughter

to get her some condoms and make her promise to use them? Does she have any sense that way? What a mess. 9&^$#%ing fundie BS!

[Xithras]

8. I've known her for years, but I'm not close enough to her to do that.

My daughter is though. I'll have to bring that up with my daughter and see if she's game. I'm very close with my daughter...most of the time. My wife and I have been discussing sexual reality with her since she was 11, so it's not something we're embarrassed to discuss.

[Kali]

9. cool

good for you, your daughter, and maybe for her friend

[tinkerbell41]

5. You are sooo right.

I never forbid mine from seeing him, I figured if she wanted to she would take off, run away, or get worse. I bided my time, it killed me, but at least I knew where she was and she was home everynight.

[tinkerbell41]

3. I agree!!

Tell her parents. My daughter had a "bad boy" who was kicked out of his house, sleeping in cars even asked to stay with us. I called his mom to ask honestly if he was in any kind of trouble I should know about. Well apparently she didn't know or refused to come clean because he was in a whole mess of trouble. I didn't want to hate her son, just trying to protect mine. NO I didn't let him stay, I wasn't a cool parent.

[Mr. Ected]

6. Let Young Love Run Its Course

Then again...

[noamnety]

10. Another vote for telling the parents.

My kid's graduated from college now, and I think I was pretty hands-off in general. Not sure if her perception would be the same or not. :)

I would want to know about this, though, as a parent. I probably wouldn't forbid them from seeing each other - I think that normally backfires. But I would want to have a talk with the girl about abuse, and I'd get her butt in a self-defense class for women.

[latebloomer]

11. I'd tell them

because he sounds dangerous. Although she may find a way to see him anyway.

I know it's hard because he's your friend's son, but I wouldn't want this kid in my house, being exposed to my kids and others.

[quakerboy]

12. It dosnt matter what you do

Its gonna be fucked. IMHO. By my experience of these things, if you don't do anything, the girl will rebel, take to the bad boy, and get hurt. And if you do do something, then she will rebel, take to the bad boy, and get hurt. Welcome to the wonderful world of lose lose situations involving teens.

[Xithras]

18. *sigh* I'm afraid you're right

Nothing drives two teens together more than prohibiting them from being so. Especially since this is apparently her "first love". Yeesh.

My wife and I figured out what we're going to do. Or what she's going to do anyway. The girl will be coming over to my house tomorrow afternoon to see my daughter. When she gets here, my wife and daughter are going to sit down with her and explain the date rape allegation, and point out that the kid is currently on probation for another crime. I guess they're going to make another attempt at scaring her off.

If that doesn't work, my daughter is going to casually mention to another friend of hers...a known blabber who's parents are good parents with this girls parents...that the girl is dating and has kissed a boy who is a known abuser. My daughter, who originally brought all of this to me because she couldn't figure out a way to stop it, has now asked me not to do ANYTHING because she's sure this plan will work.

I'll give it a few days. If they're still together, I'll send something to the parents myself simply suggesting that they look into the boys past. It's their call at that point.

[quakerboy]

22. Sorry

I hate these situations. Why can't people ever just make the smart decision?

[Tangerine LaBamba]

13. I love DU parents -

what a smart bunch.

You got some terrific advice here, and I'll add my small contribution by simply saying that everyone is right, except I would not talk to the parents. That girl is going to see that boy no matter what, and if they're the fundie type, you could be opening her up to a physical beating, which I couldn't bear to think about if I were you.

She's gonna see him, and if you could get her condoms, that's a very good idea. But, rest assured, in the face of the immortality that envelopes teens, who are all ten feet tall and bulletproof, they won't use them. That boy sounds out of control, and he's never going to go along with something that makes sense, something that screams "RESPONSIBILITY!"

His father sounds like a real champ, I must say.

But the girl is going to do what she's going to do. Her upbringing set her up for this - there was always going to be a "bad boy" in her future, and, while you are an absolutely great Dad for seeing all this and being concerned, you are powerless against the force of rebellious teenage hormones and the unbendable rules the fundie parents set up, the ones the girl has to bust out of in order to be herself, live her life.

Hope for the best, expect the worst (thank you, Mel Brooks) was my song while my kids were teens, and that's all you can do now.

You really are a nice person. Kudos to you........................

[handmade34]

14. my first thought is 'tell the parents' but...

after my 5 kids, years of giving respite care for kids having a tough time at home and teaching at risk kids in school, I know there are no pat answers and you are not responsible (but obviously, caring). Unfortunately "run its course' could mean anything from pregnancy to hurt feelings to trouble with the law. I wish we could protect all kids from the cruelties of the world.

Me being me, I would talk to the young girl and merely express what I was feeling - kids, although they seem dense and unconcerned sometimes, do like to know that someone cares and often it's not the parent. If nothing else keep an eye out and check in with your daughter to assess. If something seems dangerous or out of control - tell the parents.

[demmiblue]

15. Honestly...

I think you should write off your friend for the time being and tell the girl's parents.

For your friend to laugh it off is just insane, given the past history of his child. Methinks your friend is in serious denial.

I would also suggest that you socialize with your friend (if you feel you must) without children being present. You are in no way wrong by denying that child into your home. Harder said than done, though!

There are some that have posted about birth control, however that seems to be the least of her potential problems based on your description of the kid.

Perhaps he will change his ways, but for now he sounds like a bad egg. I know I would appreciate the heads-up, whether or not I could control the situation.

[Xithras]

16. He's been in serious denial about the kid for years.

I think it's a guilt thing. He had five kids with his first wife and was a long haul truck driver for many years. About seven years ago his oldest son (now 18) ran away from home and refused to go back home while dad was away. It turned out that she had been abusing the kids badly while he was away and he was clueless. He divorced her, ended up with full custody (she doesn't even get visitation...the abuse was THAT serious), and took a new career path to stay home with them. Since then he's been doing everything possible to "make up" for not seeing the abuse earlier, and has attributed the kids bad behavior back to that original abuse. I have to mention that his other four kids are doing great (the oldest boy graduated HS last month with a 3.9 and will be attending UCSB this fall).

I've never understood why this kid turned out so badly when the others are doing so well, but I have little doubt that he's headed toward a life full of prison cells.

I do know where you're coming from about the socializing thing, but I don't think I can just exclude him. He's been a great friend since high school, and was my best man at my wedding. He's also my regular hiking partner, and other than the troublemaker, all of our kids are friends. That's a tough relationship to just cut off.

[LeftyMom]

17. Do you know the girl at all? Does she come over to your house on occasion?

IMO, the best course of action would be to tell her your concerns yourself. Don't blow them up, but don't minimize them trying to be polite. He's been accused of rape, he's known to slap girlfriends around. She needs to know that.

She might take it better from a relatively disinterested third party than from an overprotective parent, especially if there are crazy teenage hormones involved.

[Xithras]

19. I've known this girl since she was in third grade, and she's at my house all the time.

Sadly, that means she has also known me since she was a little kid, and views me through that "parent" lens. She's mucgh closer to my wife though.

BTW, I should make clear that he wasn't actually accused of rape. The accusation was that he got his girlfriend drunk and then attempted to pull her clothes off to have sex with her, even though she was repeatedly saying no. Unfortunatly for him, the girl had pepper spray in her purse, blasted him, and ran out.

He admitted they were drunk but claimed that the attempt was consensual until she "freaked out". She claimed it wasn't and had a couple of scratches to back up her claim. After she made the initial police report, though, she stopped talking to the police and didn't want to pursue any charges. The police had to drop it.

The accusation was that he had attempted a date rape, not that he had actually committed a rape.

[demmiblue]

20. The more you elaborate...

the more you need to protect your daughter's friend. Just saying!

I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do. You already know.

[LeftyMom]

21. Would that make you feel any better if YOUR daugher was dating him?

Just being an attempted rapist isn't better than being an actual rapist. It just means she got away. If the story is true his intent was there, which means he'll probably follow through soon if he hasn't already. Rapists are predators, they don't magically turn into okay guys.

[jberryhill]

23. Be Thankful...

...that neither of them is your kid.

Your daughter, who is most likely of anyone mentioned to have influence with the other girl, has already expressed her view to her friend. You are less well situated to exercise as much influence as she is.