Irish Joke!

[matcom]

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

[DarkPhenyx]

1. Shamus and Pat worked in the Guninness brewery.

One day Pat shows up at Shamus' house in teh middle of the day, hat in hand.

"Moire, I have bad news. Pat has died up at the brewery."

"How did it happen?"

"He fell into one of the beer vats and drowned."

"Didn't you try and pull him oout?"

"Ey. Twice! But he kept jumping back in."

[dbt]

2. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman sit down for a pint--

A fly lands in the Englishman's pint, so he pushes it aside and orders another one.

The Scotsman asks if he can have the Englishman's pint, since it would be a shame to waste it.

Just as the Irishman is about to drink from his pint, a fly lands in it. Paddy fishes out the fly, holds it upside down over the glass, shakes it violently and yells,

"Spit it OUT, ya bastard!"

:evilgrin:
dbt

BTW, does anyone here know The Fitzpatrick Saga? It's funnier than diarrhea in a wetsuit!

[northzax]

10. did ya hear about the Irish gay wedding?

They took each other's names, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick...

[DarkPhenyx]

3. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and a wake?

There is one less drunk at the wake.

[TOhioLiberal]

4. Well heres one...

Whats Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture!

[grannylib]

8. Ah crap you beat me to it...that's my favorite one.

[underpants]

5. Hey I'm Scotch-Irish!!!!!!!!

Cheap-drunk

:bounce:

[Rainbowreflect]

6. I just spit green tea all over my computer monitor.

Thanks a lot.
Of course I then emailed that joke to everyone I know.

[emad]

7. Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman are musing on

how they named their first-born sons.

"George, of course", says the Englishman, "because he was born on St George's Day..."

"Andrew", says the Scotsman, "because it was St Andrew's Day"

"David", says the Welshman, "1st of March is St David's Day"

The Irishman says nothing and looks a bit forgetful. Suddenly he brightens up and says: "Pancake!"

[pagerbear]

9. I don't get it

[emad]

11. You don't celebrate Pancake Day then?

??

[bif]

12. Why did God create alcohol?

So the Irish couldn't rule the world.

[ConcernedCanuk]

13. . . . " The Reunion" . . .

.
.
.

"The Reunion"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course"

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the two say in unison.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender.

"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

:dunce:

[SiobhanClancy]

14. here's a couple...

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know
that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

********************************************
An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'

'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's honour this way.'

'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'

Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent...'

[mdmc]

15. Whats the difference between Amado Diallo and an Irishman?

An Irishman can take 41 shots and still stand (an ol NYC cop joke).

[BurtWorm]

16. Sean Ferguson, the famous Yiddish Theater star!

One Berel Bienstock, a leading European Yiddish stage actor, had rather limited spoken English abilities. As long as his lip movements approximated the printed dialogue on the screen, Bienstock was not too concerned with diction, and so he was confident he’d soon land a job in the "flickers."

Sure enough, his famous name preceded him and when he arrived at Ellis Island, he was met by his new agent, who, before putting Bienstock on a train to Los Angeles, urged him to Americanize his name.

The suggestion made sense to Bienstock, and all the way across the country — for six days — he kept selecting likely names and discarding them, until he finally picked one.

After checking into a hotel, he immediately went to see a movie producer, armed with a scrapbook loaded with newspaper articles and favorable reviews from Europe. A secretary ushered him in to the producer, who abruptly asked, "What’s your name?"

Bienstock’s mind went blank.— to save his life he couldn’t remember the American name he’d chosen. There remained only one thing — to make an honest confession.

"Schoen fergessen," ("I’ve forgotten") he said.

And a new star was born when the mogul wrote down the actor’s name: Sean Ferguson.

http://www.jewishjournal.com/home/preview.php?id=8761

[DAWUSS]

17. I get it

I don't find it all that funny... I guess it was because I was expecting a ND joke...