Considering monitoring the Spouse's internet activity,,,

[Tuesday Afternoon]

Having suspicions and a curious nature and needing details just in case one needs information for a later date.

[MrScorpio]

1. Think that you might need to hire the CHEATERS team?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. There is always that possiblity -

;) :hi:

[LeftyMom]

3. If you don't trust him it's already over

whether he's doing anything or not. Maybe it would be better to just move on.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. Good Advice --

One would tend to agree.

[Midlodemocrat]

5. +1

[Heidi]

11. A lack of trust, without cause, can be remedied.

Sometimes with therapy, other times with medication, other times with an open-hearted, rational talk. I would never simply, out of hand, without any personal understanding of a stranger's situation, just advise a person to "move on" without first attempting to understand the possible underlying causes of the lack of trust.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. this is good advice. also trust and lack thereof can be just about your own state of mind

on edit: and you can change yourself and your state of mind. these things are very much within ones control.

[gbate]

13. That's not always true.

Even if the worst is proven out (he is cheating), that doesn't mean the marriage is over.

I don't think I know enough about their past to make a generalization. If he has strayed in the past, then suspicions could be valid.

Not enough information here.

[LeftyMom]

14. Relationships are built on trust.

Whether he's cheating or not (and whether that's a deal breaker for the OP) if the level of mistrust is sufficiently grave that she feels the need to spy on his computer use there really isn't any hope for re-establishing trust sufficient to maintain a healthy relationship again.

[Kali]

16. true, although sometimes there is a need for real evidence, legally speaking.

[Forkboy]

20. Yep

[NJmaverick]

6. I would suggest just asking him about his online life

there is certainly a real relationship/marriage risk from internet connections. However talking is probably better than spying.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

7. Open the lines of Communication...

hmmmm. Point to ponder.

[Lyric]

8. I agree with LeftyMom. It's already over.

If you need evidence for a divorce, consider hiring a PI for the short-term. Hiring a professional looks a lot more reasonable and objective in a court case. Gathering evidence by yourself via spying/monitoring is risky; depending on the judge, it could end up making *you* look creepy and/or controlling, and you don't want to let your SO paint himself as a victim. Let a third party professional handle it--it'll be less expensive in the long run than it would be if you came out the loser in a divorce, ya know?

:hug:

[Heidi]

9. I had no idea you had a spouse,

but don't do this. Just find a comfortable (non-confrontational) situation and discuss your suspicions. Would you read your partner's handwritten journal? Surreptitiously follow him/her? Open your partner's mail? Check your partner's cell phone or emails? Monitoring his/her internet activity isn't much different than these things. I'd rather extend the benefit of the doubt to someone I love: reach out, talk rationally without tears, recrimination, accusation. Sometimes, when we're feeling vulnerable or if the relationship already feels a bit unsteady, all sorts of scenarios can populate our hearts and minds. :hug:

[cwydro]

10. I agree with this as well.

Also did not know TA had a spouse, or is this the guy from before?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

22. cwydro

please see post #18 below. thanks :hi:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

18. Heidi -

to be totally honest, I was asking for a friend, but who would believe that? I wanted to be objective as possible so that she could get the best advice that the Lounge has to offer. I wanted her to see how other people view the situation.

[Whoa_Nelly]

19. If your friend suspects...

If your friend suspects her spouse is having sex with someone or squandering joint funds on another woman, then hell yes...she should look into it. Her body, her health and her financial life should always be priority and never put at risk.

If she thinks he's having an online relationship, then yeah...she should probably check it out. Maybe he'll share :shrug:

If she thinks he's looking at porn, then she should just disinfect the computer, maybe the chair he sits in, and then go in and do an actual hardware check up and clean. ewwwwwwwww


OK
That's my two cents ;)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

23. will send her a link to this thread

oh dear...Rabrrrrrrrrr's reply :o :rofl:
but, it is an honest man's opinion and she needs that.

[Withywindle]

24. I agree.

In my past relationships, I've experienced both cheating AND snooping/violation of privacy, and for me at least, they were both horrible but the latter was actually worse - more damaging in the long run. If I found a partner was cheating, there might be a possibility of reconciliation with counseling, but if I found that person was secretly reading my journal/letters/correspondence without my consent? There would be no such possibility. It would be over, just the same as if s/he had hit me.

[Dogtown]

12. Cheney his ass

He'll talk, oh yes, he'll talk...

[Shell Beau]

17. .

:hug:

[Rabrrrrrr]

21. If I had a significant other that untrusting of me, I'd dump her like a morning shit.

[Withywindle]

25. Yup.

We may be in the minority on this, but we're not alone and this isn't rare: illicit snooping and violation of privacy is just as bad as cheating. At the very least, even if the partner is guilty, the snooper has lost all claim to moral high ground.

[flvegan]

26. For what?

Do you suspect another lover, deviant interests or ????