Wise and Funny Quotes !

[jeff30997]

I find television very educating.Every time somebody turns on the set,I go into the other room and read a book.

-Groucho Marx


It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience and the prudence never to practice either of them.

-Mark Twain


The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

-W.C. Fields


Outside of a dog,a book is a man's best friend.Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

-Groucho Marx


It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

-Mark Twain


Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

-Groucho Marx


I am free of all prejudices.I hate everyone equally.

-W.C. Fields


I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

-Groucho Marx


Yogi Berra:

Once,Yogi's wife Carmen asked: Yogi,you are from St. Louis,we live in New Jersey,and you played ball in New York.If you go before I do,where would you like me to have you buried? Yogi replied: "Surprise me."

After being told he looked cool:"Thanks,you don't look so hot yourself."

"You should always go to other people's funerals;otherwise,they won't come to yours."


Please post your favorite ones.:)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear jeff30997!

Ah, those are great!

Here's some of mine:

The only gift is a portion of thyself. Emerson

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. Lincoln

Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come. Rabindranath Tagore

Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold. Zelda Fitzgerald

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved deeply by someone gives you courage. Lao Tzu

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal. From an Irish headstone.

:hi:

[jeff30997]

4. Great quotes Mrs C !

Here's 2 last ones from Groucho before going to bed:

-Room service? Send up a larger room.

-She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I love Groucho.He was brilliant.:)

Goodnight Peggy :hi:

[jeff30997]

2. A kick before going to bed.

Good night everyone.:boring:

[AmyDeLune]

3. A smart person learns from their mistakes,

a wise person learns from the mistakes of others.

:D

[jeff30997]

5. Lol! So true.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him.If he says,"Yes,"you know he is a crook.

-Groucho Marx

:)

[Forkboy]

6. I have a few.

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen (when he was still funny)

"We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny, but what we put into it is ours." - Dag Hammerskjold

"A rat race is for rats. We're not rats: we're human beings. Reject the insidious pressure of society that would blunt your critical faculties to all that is happening around you, that would caution silence in the face of injustice lest you jeopardize your chances of promotion and self-advancement. This is how it starts, and before you know it you're a fully paid up member of the rat pack. The price is too high." - Jimmy Reed

"In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile." Hunter S. Thompson

"The concept of mental health in our society is defined largely to the extent to which an individual behaves in accord with the needs of the system, and does so without showing signs of stress." - The Unabomber

"Nihilism is best done by professionals." - Iggy Pop

And my all time favorite...

"I have never belonged wholeheartedly to country, or state, to my circle of friends or even to my own family. These ties have always been accompanied by a vague aloofness, and the wish to withdraw increases with the years. Such isolation is sometimes bitter, but I do not regret being cut off from the understanding and sympathy of other men. I lose something by it, to be sure, but I am compensated for it by being rendered independent of the customs, opinions, and prejudices of others, and am not tempted to rest my piece of mind upon such shifting sands." - Albert Einstein

[jeff30997]

7. Einstein wasn't just brilliant in physics.

Here's a few from George Carlin:


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.


Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.


Good night Forkboy.:toast:

[jeff30997]

8. Morning kick.

Just in case someone would want to add their own favorite quotes. :)

[achtung_circus]

9. My sig line, which in case I now choose to change it reads,

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent. R. D. Laing

and others.

[jeff30997]

10. Lol ! Please don't change it.

It's really a great quote.:)