The Adventures of Bush and Rove

[scottcsmith]

The Adventures of Bush and Rove
Today's Episode: Too much *$%@ing swearing

Bush and Rove, Bush and Rove
Two wacky guys on the political road
Bush and Rove, Bush and Rove
One is stupid, the other is Rove
Bush and Rove, Bush and Rove
Lowerin' taxes for millionaire row
Bush and Rove, Bush and Rove
Buddies forever
Oh yeah!

We are in the oval office. PRESIDENT George W. Bush is staring at something on his desk. Every now and then he pokes at it, lifts it up, and pushes buttons.

The INTERCOM buzzes.
Bush: Yes?
Secretary: Mr. Rove to see you, sir.
Bush: Send him in. Man, I'm like Donald Trump!
Secretary: Sir?
Bush: You know, on his show, he buzzes for his secretary to send the losing team to the board room.
Secretary: Yes sir, of course.
Bush: Send Karly in.
BUSH returns to examining the square object at his desk.
KARL ROVE enters the office. ROVE is Bush's chief political advisor.
Bush: Mornin' Karl. Grab a chair.
Rove (sitting down): I see you got the laptop.
Bush: The what?
Rove: Laptop.
Bush: Huh?
Rove: The computer.
Bush (looking at desk): I don't have a computer, Karl.
Rove: Sir, the laptop is a computer.
Bush: Karl, tell me again what a laptop is?
Rove: Sir, it's the object you're pounding. By the way, I would stop pounding it.
Bush (looking incredulously at laptop): This is a computer? It's too small! Where do you feed in the punch cards?
Rove: Let me, sir.
Bush: Fire away, Karl. I hope you can get her up and runnin'. I wanna check out that Internet thing Al Gore says he invented.
ROVE opens up the laptop and powers it on. He slides it back on the desk to Bush.
Bush: Wow! It's like a TV! What's this thing? (Bush is pointing at something)
Rove: Sir, that's the keyboard. That's how you operate the laptop.
Bush: Well, sir, you learn something new every day.
FIVE minutes pass.
Bush: Now what?
Rove: You should be at a logon prompt.
Bush: stares blankly at Rove.
Rove: The computer, sir, you have to type in your user name and password.
Bush: stares blankly at Rove.
Rove: Sir, allow me, I'll log you on. ROVE stands up and heads to Bush's side of the desk. He taps away at the computer keyboard.
Rove: There you go.
Bush: Wow!
Bush is looking at the screen. All of these pictures. What do they do? 'My Computer' and such?
Rove: Well, it's how you navigate through Windows.
Bush: stares blankly at Rove.
Rove: You did attend the laptop training, right?
Bush: Yes.
FLASHBACK to Bush sitting at table with White House IT guy. IT guy is talking and pointing at the computer. BUSH is fast asleep, snoring lightly.
Rove: Well, what do you want to do?
Bush: I'd like to see my e-mail. I have e-mail, right?
Rove: Certainly. See the picture that says 'Microsoft Outlook'?
Bush: Sure.
Rove: Well, take your mouse pointer and double-click on the picture.
Bush: stares blankly at Rove.
Rove: Look at the keyboard.
Bush: stares blankly at Rove.
Rove: It's below the screen.
Bush: Oh, okay.
Rove: Now, the keyboard has two mice. Do you see something that looks like the head of an eraser? It's red.
Bush: Sure, I see it.
Rove: Now, you can operate the mouse with it. Just press on it and direct the mouse to the picture of 'Microsoft Outlook.'
Bush: Okay...
Rove: Now, double-click on the icon.
Bush: POUNDS keyboard, twice.
Rove: Sir, no. Take a second. Look at the keyboard.
Bush: Okay.
Rove: You see the thing that looks like the head of an eraser?
Bush: Yes, it's black.
Rove: No! The red thing! It's in the middle of the keyboard.
Bush: There's an eraser head on my keyboard?
Rove: Sir, please. It's right above the 'B' key. It's red, looks like the head of an eraser.
Bush: Oh, that red thing!
Rove: Right. Now, the space-bar, do you see it? It's right below the G, Y and B keys.
Bush: Okay.
Rove: Now, below it are two buttons. That's how you click the mouse.
Bush: Okay.
Rove: Give it a try.
TWO DAYS LATER
Bush: I think I've got it, Karl.
Rove: Good. I hope.
Bush: So now I'm going to look at e-mail. Bush clicks with the mouse. Several minutes pass.
Rove: Is it working?
Bush: Karl, it says I have eight thousand messages. I'm gonna delete them.
Rove: Sir, you need to read them...
Bush: Give me a sec.
TWO DAYS LATER
Bush: Okay. Now I want to check out this Drudge fellow. You've spoken highly of him, right?
Rove: Yes, he prints news items for us.
Bush: Er...Karl...do you mind taking the wheel? I'll watch.
Rove: Okay.
Bush: All this learnin'. Boy. They sure don't teach you this stuff at Harvard Business School. We must have a race of super-geniuses in this country!
Rove: Right...
Rove: Okay, now, this is the World Wide Web browser. It lets us read web sites, and Matt Drudge has a web site.
Bush: Very good. Let's take a look.
Rove: Here it is.
Bush (reading aloud): MCCAIN OPEN TO BEING KERRY'S VP. What? Holy crap!
Rove: Er...
Bush: Oh, man, this is too much, Karly. Where's that story about all the swearing at Kerry's web site.
Rove: Here, sir.
Bush: Hum. Er, how do we get to the good stuff?
Rove: What good stuff, sir?
Bush: You know.
Rove: I do?
Bush: Yes. You Know.
Rove: Do you mean pornography?
Bush: Well, whatever it is that has the naked girls. Can we see that?
Rove: Sorry, sir, the White House firewall blocks off access to porn sites.
Bush: stares blankly at Rove.
Rove: The computers will not let you see them.
Bush: Oh. Can we look at web sites that bash John Kerry?
Rove: Oh, yes, definitely.
Bush: Bring 'em on!

[scottcsmith]

1. A courtesy kick for our Free Republic friends

Surely they'd enjoy gentle ribbing at the President's expense!